Session 18

Transcript:

This week I had a few videos on TikTok that did really well, and normally one would think that that must feel really great that more people now know about Sky's case.

And while yes, that it that is true, there is this other side to it that freaks me out.

0:28

And I don't know if it's just feeling perceived or being, you know, out there and knowing.

People not only know about Sky Story, but they know about me and I typically don't share all that much about me personally.

0:49

I mean, I do obviously.

I'm very vulnerable and I put myself out there.

I do this whole podcast where I talk about my weak and my feelings, but ultimately, like, I do feel like I I keep up a wall for privacy and things like that.

1:07

But when a video does get a lot of views, I feel terrified.

I'm happy, but terrified.

There is this duality that you have to, I guess, get comfortable with.

1:23

And I've had videos in the past that have done very well.

And ultimately, you know, the algorithm does its thing and you kind of, like fall off for a while.

And then you have a video or two that like, hits hard and it's like kind of like this roller coaster.

1:41

And I was actually telling my therapist about it this week.

And she worries.

Rightfully so.

She worries that maybe I'm not always in the best headspace for it, but I do often take weeks off at a time or several days to just kind of like compose myself because I talk about a really difficult topic.

2:12

Sky's been missing for almost 16 years now.

It's gonna be 16 years, April 1st, and for me, it's normal.

This is my normal.

I've gotten used to it.

But sometimes when I get such a response, it kind of sets me back a little bit.

2:35

It makes me realize that, hey, maybe this isn't normal.

And typically in my day-to-day, I don't interact with too many people.

Most of the time it's my son's, you know, friends, parents, like that kind of situation.

2:54

And typically I don't talk about this unless, like, I've known them for like several months and then it actually comes out.

I'm pretty standoffish.

I'm pretty reserved, some might even say cold in person.

So I typically don't think about it all that much.

3:12

I don't make it a part of my daily routine because I do have to function in society.

There's always this.

You have to make compartments and that's not always the healthiest thing for just a normal lifestyle.

3:30

But when you have an event like this that kind of well that has the potential to consume you, sometimes you need to put it away in a box and not have it be what you're known for.

So I think that's part of the problem.

3:47

I have gone out in public and I have been recognized and the first time it happened, I just as soon as the person walked away, I was like shaking uncontrollably because I was like I I didn't expect that reaction, to be honest.

4:03

I was so taken aback that I was like numb.

It just, you know, it's there is a divide between what you put out on social media and who you are in real life and when they overlap, when those paths cross.

4:28

It's a very weird feeling.

I feel like it would obviously be different if the subject matter that I talked about was a bit more, you know, light hearted and fun.

But when somebody knows something so personal and traumatic, it's crazy.

4:49

It's a really, really, really crazy feeling.

But I'm going to continue to do it.

I'm going to continue to figure out how to navigate it.

It's been interesting.

I can't always anticipate how I'm going to feel and I'll I'm just going to do my best, you know, for what's best for my family and what's best to get answers in regards to Sky's disappearance.

5:29

It's hard, It's a hard thing to come to terms with and to balance.

So actually this week there's going to be an article coming out in a local Connecticut paper with the record.

5:44

It's called The Record Journal and they found out about the GoFundMe and my mom and I did an interview with the newspaper.

It isn't out yet.

I will link it and let everybody know when the article is out.

6:04

But I invited my mom to be a part of this.

I really, I really want her to be a bit more involved.

I know she's been really scared and she's more than willing to be a part of it as long as I'm taking, you know, the reins.

6:22

But I'm kind of excited that due to the fact that she's still in Connecticut, the journalist wanted to get photographs.

So they went to my parents house.

They got photographs with my mom and some of Sky's photos, and they're talking about the GoFundMe and the trip to Japan.

6:47

But I was really excited that even though my mom and I did the zoom call with the journalist, I'm really excited that my mom is actually going to be featured and me not so much.

7:03

It's like it's a nice relief and I hope my mom.

I talked with my mom yesterday after the journalist came, after the photographer came, and she seemed really upbeat, so I'm really hoping that she's ready for whatever might come, might come of all this.

7:25

I'm also nervous because because of this I am moving back to Connecticut.

I'm a little nervous about, you know, what I've been doing on social media, but also needing to get a regular job.

7:45

You know this, trying to find somebody doesn't pay your bills.

Doing a podcast doesn't pay your bills.

Not in my case at least.

It's a it's more of a labor of love.

So it's one of those situations where it's like how do you, how do you find that balance and that normalcy?

8:13

I don't know, I maybe I'm overthinking and maybe I'm going to go and move back to Connecticut and no one will still know about Sky, you know, because that's kind of what happened over the years.

Sky's case just kind of it didn't hit the way it's hitting now.

8:36

But again, this getting any kind of momentum has taken me about like 2 years of constantly talking about it on social media to get the kind of traction I needed in order to get back to Japan.

So we will see.

I guess I think what I need to do is not think so much about it sometimes, just face it when it comes.

9:02

That's something else that I was actually discussing with my therapist this week because I will be moving and I'm going to, I won't have my therapist.

I'm hoping that she's going to be OK with me, just like doing video check in like once a month.

9:21

She did mention that we should start a podcast and just talk about therapy and life, and I thought that would be interesting.

We'll see.

We'll see.

I really like my therapist, so I want to, you know, I'd like to keep in touch and because I also know that I'm going to have to find somebody else a little closer.

9:44

I need to find a new Doctor closer and the whole cycle just starts again, the struggle of the struggle of finding balance.

And I guess it's, that's what it's all about, finding, going through a change and trying to navigate the the balance and the lack of balance.

10:17

And I'm excited.

I'm excited about my move.

I'm excited about going back to Japan.

My mom's really excited.

She said something that I thought was a little funny but so true during the interview that we had.

10:34

And she's like, I I'm really excited to go back to Japan because I don't remember any of it.

And that's something me and my mom can talk.

We can have maybe like a monthly podcast talk about the Japan we remembered and then the Japan we're going to experience this time around.

10:56

I'm hoping.

I'm hoping he's going to be better.

Yeah, a lot's gonna, a lot's happening.

I'm excited.

But you know, as another quick update and then not so happy side of things but my grandmother has been put on Hospice, so that is happening now.

11:26

My mom's doing OK.

It's, you know, one of those inevitable things.

And I think, you know, everybody's going to get through it as well as they can.

And yeah, it's just, you know, when life happens, it just, it happens all at once.

11:50

It is, yeah.

I think you just have to like, sit down and take it, you know, just don't fight it.

Just take it, let it wash over you and just trust that you got it.

And I feel all right.

12:10

I feel all right about it all.

OK, guys, it's been real.

This has been therapy, notes Session 18.

Session 17

Transcript:

0:01

Today is February 16th and it has started.

And what I mean by it has started.

It is getting close to Sky's birthday.

Sky's birthday is on February 22nd and typically every year around her birthday until, honestly, around April 1st when Sky actually went missing.

0:32

I go into this, this darker place, I guess even if I'm not aware.

It just it just happens.

It's like the body knows.

I noticed that a few days ago I was just.

0:51

I was just feeling fucking rotten and nothing was going on.

Like, I feel like there's good things in the horizon, stressful things, but good things.

But no matter what happens, like my body knows.

1:10

It knows it's like on a it.

It's on a certain schedule.

And every year, every year, guys, for the past, since, you know, 2000, it happened in 2008, it started 2009.

1:31

You know where I just go through this depressive cycle.

I'm doing my best.

I'm doing pretty good considering compared to other years, because it's.

I'm aware, I know.

But no matter how much you know about yourself and your situation, and no matter where you are in your healing or you know your grief journey, you're going to have moments like this.

2:00

You will.

I don't think that is ever really explained to people enough.

When you go through either a trauma or a loss, I do believe over time you can kind of get on top of it.

2:16

It's not a heal that you're not healing.

The wound is still there.

It will always be there.

It is forever a part of you, but it is with experience and self-awareness that you can kind of tackle it better in the future.

2:31

And I think that's what essentially what that means when it's people say time heals all wounds, well no, it doesn't fucking heal shit.

Just as long as you're being proactive in bettering yourself and becoming more aware, that's what that means.

2:53

It's time will help you grow.

Time allows you to self reflect and you have to, you have to do it.

You do.

If you're not doing it, you will forever be a prisoner to that grief 100%.

3:15

I don't think you can get out of that without time and self reflection and just being a little bit proactive, because no matter where you are, when you're, you know, quote UN quote, healing, the trauma evolves with you, the pain evolves.

3:37

It takes on a different shape.

So I remember as a kid having anxiety attacks pretty regularly, and at that time, you know, late 80s, early 90s, 'cause it started when I was fucking young.

There wasn't a name for it.

Nobody had a name for like, oh, you're having anxiety attack?

3:54

But I had anxiety attacks on the regular, OK?

And they felt a very particular way.

It, like, manifested in my body.

It kept me small.

It was overwhelming.

I had crying fits.

I couldn't talk.

4:11

It was all of that.

But as I got older, they changed.

You know, 'cause as you, when you get older, you know, you're growing, you're learning, you're changing.

Therefore the thing that is your affliction also does the same thing.

4:28

It grows with you.

So today, you know, as a 40 year old woman, I still have anxiety attacks, but they don't feel the same way.

They manifest in different ways and I've done my due diligence in trying to mitigate their effects on my everyday life.

4:48

I've cut out anything that I deem too stressful because life is short and I don't fucking care because I always will have a stress.

My sister's been missing for 15 years, 16 pretty soon.

Yeah, that's enough stress.

5:08

All the other things in life don't matter as much.

You know, if you know, you know.

If you can't allow, OK, so that's another thing.

You have to allow yourself to get to that point, to accept that you know the everyday things that other people may stress about.

5:26

You don't need to stress about those things too, not in the same way.

You have to like start prioritizing things differently and that takes time.

That takes time and experience and aging.

If you are afforded that luxury, and if something silly that you do makes you happy, go go fucking do that silly thing.

5:47

Because it really doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.

It's your journey, it's your healing.

And even though, like, I feel this depressive wave coming through, at least I can call it what it is.

6:04

You know, I will give it its time and its space because grief, like any other emotion, needs to flow through you.

You need to feel it because if you keep avoiding it, that's just going to, like, kill you one day.

6:21

It's just it's fucking stress that you need to deal with.

So you deal with it.

And that's what I'm trying to do.

That's why I'm just talking to you about it.

Because if you're listening, chances are you get it.

6:41

I feel like you guys get it.

And that's why I do this.

And plus, it's nice to just say it out loud, you know, call it what it is.

But there is always this balance that you have to you have to acknowledge, OK, because you don't want to give it too much of your time, because then it can't take over.

7:07

It's everything's a balancing act.

It's life, you know?

It's like if you eat the wrong shit it you're going to get sick, but you can still eat that shit as long as you have a salad with it, you know, It's that kind of thing.

That's a silly analogy.

But you know what I mean?

It's it's hard.

7:25

It's really hard.

And I think it's also hard because a lot of times people don't understand it and you want to explain it to people, but some people just will never understand it because they'll never, they've never been through something that has, you know, a hold on you and trauma, you know, crazy unanswered events and the the what ifs that go along with it.

7:54

You know, they hold a very big part of me, and I know that and I know that.

And I think I'm trying to throw all of this throughout, you know, the beginnings of me being more outspoken about my sister's disappearance.

8:12

And you know, all of that.

I think it has.

It's been really good to just talk about it.

You know, it's been good, and I'm so thankful that people out there resonate with this and understand it.

8:39

I really hope you don't understand it, you know?

But I I really hope more.

Like people don't go through a situation like this because it's fucking awful.

But like, I think even for like the sociological, the anthropological, whatever, like study of the human condition, with me talking about this more like if people are interested in this affliction, I guess that at least I can give some insight, you know, or at least if you understand it, you at least we can commiserate together.

9:18

But yeah, Sky's birthday is coming up.

And when you lose somebody, you know, it's one thing if they're, I think older, you don't want to.

9:37

I mean, I don't want to take away the validity of somebody's feelings when they lose somebody so dear to them, even if they're older, that that's still very, very, very real.

But I think when you have unanswered questions and you just you lose somebody when they're younger and their whole life was ahead of them, it there's another layer to the grief because you didn't let just lose that person, you lost the future as well.

10:14

And within that is all the what ifs that you will have, regardless if you know how they passed or what happened.

There's a layer that will always ache.

10:34

So yeah, I just wanted to say that, you know, I still am waiting on a response from the Southington Police and Interpol in regards to the DNA that Japan needs to run through their system.

11:12

And it's been a few weeks and I'm trying to, I'm trying to be cool with it.

But you know, that's the latest update I have on Sky's case and I just gave you the latest update on my mental state too.

11:30

So I hope everybody's doing good and staying strong and living in the moment and just feeling good.

11:47

You don't have to feel great that's that's that's hard to do but just feel good.

So this has been Therapy Notes Episode 7.

Where Am I At Episode 17?

Is it 17 so far?

My God.

Session 17, my friends.

12:07

Oh, there we go.

You go on in the future.

Session 16

Transcript:

0:03

I've been with my current therapist for about 8-9 months now and it's been the best therapy experience that I've had in my, I don't know, 1520 plus years of going to therapy.

And that says a lot.

0:19

That says that you're if you're embarking on a therapy experience, it's going to be rough.

It's going to be very, very rough because a lot of times you just, you go into it with these expectations that you're going to get better and chances are you're just not going to like the process or the environment.

0:43

The vibes might be off and you just don't mesh well with the therapist in question, you know.

So it's a very discouraging process, and if you're really looking for help, it can really make it worse because the process is not easy.

1:00

It's very time consuming and it's exhausting.

It's exhausting on levels that just aren't explained to you in the beginning when you start, you know, looking into therapy.

So I'm seeing a trauma therapist.

1:16

I haven't really talked about the EMDR process in a minute because what I find is that I really just like my therapist.

I feel like it's a friend and even if in the future like I like have to move, I would honestly make her make us have an appointment like at least once a month telehealth or something just to chat with her.

1:43

And I think that I know that there should be like boundaries and lines within like a therapist and patient situation, but it it doesn't hurt if you actually like them as a person.

2:02

I think that is something you really need to consider when choosing a therapist.

Sometimes it's good to have somebody kind of challenge you and a friend should challenge you, but not in a way that makes you feel like shit.

2:24

And I feel as though with all the therapists that I've been been to, most of them made me feel like shit, like something was wrong with me or the situation where they just weren't actually asking the right questions.

2:42

And it does take time to build the relationship.

And I don't think that is ever really explained to you that this is going to be a relationship.

It's pretty much one sided because you are you know, paying them and they should listen.

3:00

But it is also good to have a back and forth and to know a little bit more about them.

I mean that's how I connect with people anyways and it's just something I don't know to think about if you are looking for a therapist.

3:18

So I talk about that because we should be doing, should be doing EMDR in my sessions.

But a lot of times we just end up just chatting and I find that to be really helpful at this point.

3:35

But we are trying to construct this different kind of timeline in order to proceed with the EMDR sessions.

But with having a missing person be your, you know, trauma and have it being unresolved.

3:52

It does complicate the trauma timeline because a lot of times in these sessions or what you're going to therapy for maybe like a singular event or events that have like transpired already, but they are in the past and they're not.

4:09

I mean they make they're haunting you in some way or another, but it isn't like an ongoing unresolved thing.

So basically when you're creating your trauma timeline, you're all you're creating these events, you have this visualization of the events and you're put rating it on a scale of like zero that like you're unaffected by it or like a 10 where it's just it paralyzes you just like the fucking thought of it.

4:38

So in my situation, since it's still ongoing, it's kind of like we're creating this unconventional timeline of what is like the first image that comes to mind in regards to Sky's disappearance.

4:57

And for me, I think it's not the first moment that we realized Sky went missing.

It's when we came back from Japan and I realized I have to get back to my life and everybody else is moving on, and I guess I have to as well.

5:21

And I think that is probably one of the most traumatic things about it.

I could always go into, you know, how, you know, the laws and the systems that we were dealing with it with and the lack of help and lack of information is traumatic.

5:40

But that's like a whole system of things.

I think it's like the emotional realization that everybody's moving on, so you have to as well.

And when you can't, you are seeing yourself now as a burden to other people.

5:59

You are affecting their mood because like you could just can't fucking get over it.

And a lot of times that's how I felt like people just wanted me to get over it, to move on, that it wasn't worth the time and energy.

And that whole thing is fucking traumatic because nobody knows.

6:22

You don't know what a situation like that is like unless you're going through it.

Like, I can't explain it to you.

I'm telling you with words, but like, the actual feeling of what it does to you is insane.

6:38

It's just it's crazy.

So that is like one moment in my timeline and then you have to kind of like put like a feeling towards it.

And for that, that to me is just like utter helplessness like I am.

6:57

I have a total loss of control because I can't get over this and I can't have other people, like I can't have them be in the same, like, mental state as me because that's not good for them, that's not good for anybody.

7:13

And I can't tell them to not move on with their lives.

But I'm like, why am I being left behind?

Why?

Why?

Why don't I have answers?

And why doesn't anybody else feel the same way?

So it's just like this loss of control.

7:32

I think another event that comes to mind, it's kind of like this dual event where I broke down.

It was a year after sky went missing approximately, and I was just in such a fucked up blaze.

7:53

I was like taking medications.

I was trying to like get myself figured out.

I was like over overworked because I just threw myself into something that was just going to distract me.

I wasn't like really facing the problems.

I and I think that's what happen a lot when going to therapy.

8:10

It's just like we're not going to face these problems because you can't solve them, so let's just medicate and like keep yourself occupied.

And that was a fucked up thing to do.

It just wasn't going to work for me.

So I remember I was going into work and I was like, I can't fucking do this.

8:26

I can't fucking take another day of just like people just going about their lives.

Like I just couldn't do it.

And I remember going to one of the directors at my job and I'm like, I'm going up to the hospital, I'm checking myself in.

8:42

So peace, like you got to cover my shifts.

And she was like, oh, OK, 'cause I was working.

I this was with the Red Cross and I was working there while during Sky's disappearance and everything.

So it's like they understood, but I checked myself into a hospital and I was there on like suicide watch.

9:05

And I think it was also there when I was on suicide watch.

I was in a room with like two other women that were also on suicide watch.

And like, we all connected.

We all connected in this really amazing way that I couldn't get anywhere else because these women were also going through some shit that they just had no control over.

9:26

And I remember going to some, like, group sessions within the unit and I was like this.

This isn't helping me, but connecting with other people who just feel so helpless has been the most transformative.

9:44

It was like, I was there for a weekend.

I felt like the worst I could have possibly felt going in.

And I left feeling better, not because of the doctors or the medical staff, but because of the people I was locked in a room with.

I know it's crazy, but like, I think you just find hope within one another when you're both, when everybody's just so hopeless.

10:10

So that is like that's a funny moment to put in my timeline because it was so low, but it was also such a pivotal moment and my healing, you know.

10:29

And then when creating this timeline says it's spanned like 15 plus years.

At this point I also have to think about like the most recent event that is like just unbearable.

And it's funny because I no longer see this as unbearable.

10:49

Something that also happens when you're dealing with a traumatic situation and unresolved grief is that all of this evolves with you, and over time it changes and it takes a different shape.

And things don't affect me in the same way that they did 15 years ago when this happened and I was 24 at the time, Now I'm 40.

11:12

I've lived multiple lives already, and while Sky's disappearance has always been a part of it, I've also allowed myself to have other experiences and not let the disappearance affect everything.

11:31

It's always there.

It's always going to be with me.

It is a part of me.

It's like a fucking new appendage that I have to like, sew a new sleep for, you know?

And it's when I think about now with what is the most troubling, the most traumatic thing.

11:58

I'm not scoring it that high because I don't feel debilitated by it in the same way.

But typically I would say it's the frustration.

It's me trying to get movement on the case and not just not getting anything done and still dealing with the same incompetence that there is just nobody that knows what to do and nobody knows how to help in this situation.

12:24

It's a unique situation, I understand that.

But how after this many years, has nothing ever been changed or processes improved?

Or has anybody looked back at cases like this and been like, hey, maybe we should, I don't know, create some sort of protocol to have in place if something does happen?

12:47

That's what's frustrating.

And even though I feel like I can advocate and try to push for things, nobody's fucking listening.

Nobody's listening.

Not the people that I need to be listening, you know?

And that's what's frustrating.

13:05

It's so frustrating.

I could like, rank that as a 10.

But like another thing about that is like, I don't really feel it as a 10, you know what I mean?

I'm not necessarily having nightmares about it.

13:21

I've had nightmares about the loss of control of my life like years ago.

But since the trauma has evolved and now I'm looking at it from a different perspective, I'm looking at it more as like the systems in place and the failures of those systems.

13:40

It's a different kind of feeling.

It's more anger.

It's more like external anger rather than like an internalized trauma that I've been battling with.

So it's just an interesting approach to EMDR and to creating a trauma timeline that is even stumping my my therapist because she's like, I'm not too sure if this is how we should move forward or like, how to actually approach a long, all-encompassing type of event as this.

14:19

Because typically, yeah, like you can create a timeline with really specific events and kind of just chip away at them.

And if these events were like A10 over time, maybe you can get them down to like a 2A1 or even A0 where it's just not affecting you in the same way anymore.

14:38

But this situation is different.

And I understand that.

And I also understand that the therapy that I choose, the therapy that I need has to kind of be all-encompassing.

14:54

Like if there's days that I just want to sit and chat with you, like that's what I need to do.

If there's days where I can really dive into like a specific event, then that's what I need to do and that's what I think therapist in general need to understand.

15:11

Like you can have a plan, but like just like life, you need to be flexible because every day is going to be different, you're going to feel different and you need to approach those days differently and people need to be open to that.

I don't know.

15:30

I mean, I know, but like, I just, It was just something I was thinking about today and my last session it was like a mixture of just chatting because I just wanted to chat and then making a plan and then like just sitting and thinking on that.

15:53

Because another thing is like, you also cannot expect results quickly.

It takes time.

It is a process.

I think we're used to instant gratification and like scrolling on social media, getting that quick dopamine drip to make you feel good.

16:09

Like, Nah, that's not life.

And the process of healing is life.

It's just these ebbs and flows of good days and bad days and trying new things and then when something doesn't work, maybe trying it again in a different way at a different time.

16:32

Because some days are just not just not every day is the same, you know.

So I don't know.

Those are just my thoughts for today.

I hope everybody's having a great day.

And yeah, this is therapy.

16:49

Notes Session 16.

Session 15

Transcript:

0:02

I'm going through this thing where I don't know how to start a podcast anymore.

I've been feeling the same way about social media in general.

I feel like something's off.

I'm just not flowing as well.

I think I'm just getting in my head about things.

0:20

But anyways, hi.

I hope everybody's doing good.

I feel like I'm doing pretty good today.

Other than just like not knowing how to function, if that, if you know what I mean.

But besides that, it's good.

I am finally back in California after spending a whole month in Connecticut.

0:41

We went for the holidays.

We knew it was going to be a long trip and you know, visiting family for the holidays can you know come with its ups and downs.

Overall it was good.

I love my family.

0:57

Well, you know, we stayed with them and there's always a lack of space and the tension of being in some of these space and without fail, any time I visit there's always some family event that's also going on.

And this time it was my grandmother being moved into a senior living facility.

1:18

And mainly it was unfortunately my mom had to shoulder a lot of the stress of that and it really did a number on her this time.

So there was the stress of that.

And then of course COVID and everybody being sick at one point or another.

1:37

Even the last day, the day we were actually supposed to leave, I came down with some fluid poisoning.

But luckily due to the weather, our flight was cancelled.

So we were able to reschedule.

I was able to recover and we were able to head out the next day.

So I'm finally in California again, about two days in and I'm just trying to get back to my life, I guess.

2:01

But I do have an update, an update that I actually could have gotten a week earlier if I had only checked my messages.

But you know, due to a different environment and being sick and just like having too many things happening, I completely missed the call.

2:20

And it wasn't until last night that I was trying to figure out what I was going to do today that I saw I had a voicemail.

So let's get into that.

I was on the phone this morning with the detective in Southington, and I have a bit of an update, so I wrote it down.

2:41

So I'm going to just kind of talk you through it.

So the detective got an e-mail from the the investigator at Interpol.

And just a side note, the investigator at Interpol, her name is also Megan.

2:57

So I always, I felt like that's been a good sign.

So Interpol has been trying to figure out how we can get the DNA from my mom in Southington, CT back over to Japan.

3:14

Because if you don't know, the DNA that my parents submitted back in 2008 is not able to be used in Japan's database due to the difference in technology and how they run their DNA.

Cool.

This would have been great to know.

3:30

I don't know, years ago, but here we are.

Can't change anything.

So right now they are trying to figure out if the Connecticut State lab could get the DNA, meaning like my mom could just go down to the police station in Southington and submit some DNA and then that will be submitted to the Connecticut State lab and then that would head over to Japan.

3:54

So they were trying to get the Connecticut State lab to connect with the lab in Hokkaido.

But guess what?

That's not feasible.

And do you know why?

Because there's no way to communicate.

Because they don't have a translator.

Like, isn't that?

4:11

Like, no.

Like, don't we have Google Apps for that?

When you like, have don't have the resources?

I'll pay for one, but yeah.

Anyways, so right now they're unable to communicate.

4:30

The other possible alternative was for my mom to go to a Japanese consulate or embassy here in the United States and cement the DNA there.

But guess what guys?

Japan did not agree to that.

4:50

So the police officer that I'm talking to was expressing his frustrations with this.

He's like, I don't understand.

It's so easy.

We just get a swab Is it like And he just didn't understand if it's maybe they extract different DNA markers or whatnot.

5:06

But it was it was funny for me to listen to his frustrations because I mean, they're my frustrations too.

But I think it's the, to put it bluntly, it's this American arrogance that we have meaning like, well, we have our way of doing things and this is a way to do things.

5:26

Why can't we do these things?

But when you're dealing with a whole other country, they have their own laws and their own rules.

And when they're being pushed in a certain direction, they're putting their foot down and they're like, no, it's our way or no way.

5:47

And that's kind of how it's always been.

In 2008, when my mom and I went there, they were very accommodating and welcoming to us, but we still were at the mercy of whatever their laws and rules were.

6:03

So it was funny to, like, witness somebody else, like, realizing those barriers and that frustration.

And I honestly couldn't help but laugh because I'm like, well, I know, but I'm glad that somebody else is understanding this and, like, going through it, like, in real time.

6:28

OK, So what else?

Interpol is now going to be kind of the go between, I think the detective is feeling a little overwhelmed and also the person that he's in communicate, he's in communication with at the Connecticut State lab is also overwhelmed with this.

6:48

So it is going up the chain of command and then from there whoever that person is going to be, it will be able to communicate hopefully with Interpol and then Interpol will communicate with Japan.

7:04

And yeah, that's where we're at still guys, more waiting initially, essentially, yes, more just more waiting.

So the one thing that is good because I think we've come to the realization that my mom and I are going to have to go to Japan.

7:27

Like there isn't going to be an easy work around.

I was hoping, like I've said before, maybe I haven't, but my mom is 70 and when I talked with her while I was visiting in Connecticut, I She's scared.

7:46

She's really scared to go.

She's scared to go.

And I don't think considering what she's going through with her own mother right now, it's not a great time for her.

It's a lot of stress.

And I honestly don't want her to be far in case anything does happen with the family.

8:03

So it would be great.

It would be honestly so good if she could just give the DNA here and then have that sent over to Japan.

But this is where we're at.

They're not really going to bend OR like change any rules for us.

8:21

It's just because to them, it's not necessary.

It's not important.

That being said, the thing that also is going to be happening if we do well, I mean, I guess essentially when we do go to Japan, it's going to be on our own time.

8:41

But it the one thing I'm really thankful for right now is the open dialogue that is going on that the detective in Southington is aware of the case, Interpol is aware of Sky's case, and Japan is actively also aware.

8:58

And that's what I need.

I know it's often, often times people are like why don't you just go?

Well, because the logistics of it are batshit crazy and it's fucking overwhelming to be just frank about it.

So the reassurance that I got from the detective is that when we go, he will help with the logistics.

9:21

They will.

The people in Japan who'll be taking the DNA will know that we will be there, that we are coming, and we'll set up a time.

And I know that seems, you know, like, of course you would do that.

But it's really, really hard to get everything lined up.

9:41

And that's basically why I've been doing it this way, because I want when my mom and I go to Japan, I want everybody to know that we're there.

You know, I want the the security and the safety of knowing that people know we are there.

10:04

There's a real importance of that to me and my family because because of what happened in 2008 and basically it's taken me since starting talking about Sky's case more on social media to make it known.

10:22

To get people to know about Sky's case.

I need people to know because when I mean because in 2008, basically we fell through the cracks after we left Japan.

It was just like over and done with, and it just felt like we were waiting and just waiting, but nobody came, nobody was rescuing us.

10:46

So these past two years of me talking about it is basically laying the groundwork of just making sure that people know, 'cause I, it's unacceptable in any other way at this point.

11:05

So the detective told me we're just going to have to wait a little bit.

He's waiting to get another e-mail back to see if there's anything that we can do, like to prevent my mom from having to make this trip.

11:22

She wants to go.

She does.

Actually, when we were talking about it, we were out for coffee.

And I was like, this has to happen, Like, we have to go back.

It's something I feel like that we both need foreclosure and The thing is if we were able to get the DNA just from just for my mom to like drop it off in Southington or whatnot, that wouldn't take any of the the heaviness of the situation off of me.

11:56

I myself am still planning to go to Japan this year hopefully, but my mom is really nervous about it.

12:12

When I was talking with her I just it it hit me so hard that she was scared about the travelling.

I think the pressure, the mental and physical pressure, emotional pressure that one goes through when you are going back to a place, to the place where you know her daughter was taken, her daughter remains or lives there or died there.

12:44

It's the whole UN unknowing the unanswered questions and then coming face to face with that.

It's one thing to avoid for like 15 years because you just feel so hopeless.

But when you're the possibility of going back to get answers or closure, it's that's actually hitting me right now just thinking about it.

13:15

It's heavy, you know, and I get that I'm ready to go, you know, I am.

And I think on this trip it's going to be, it's going to be good.

It's going to be really good.

My mother's other concern was the finances because she was afraid to tell my dad because the discusses the discussion of finances and just leaving the logistics, like it's something that she just doesn't want to discuss with him.

13:54

And there's, yeah, guys, there's layers to this.

It's it's not easy because as I've said before when you deal with a trauma and there's so many different people all experience all experiencing this at the same time, everybody experiences it different differently and they process differently.

14:14

So like in my in my family, it's nobody experienced it the same way.

It's it's so different and it's really hard to communicate one's feelings and perspective on the whole situation.

14:31

It's just it's not easy.

It never has been and it never will be and that's that I think in terms of an update.

14:46

So basically we're going to wait and see if there's any other alternative and if not, I will start making arrangements and I will let you guys know there's also OK on top of that wait.

15:06

On top of that, my family might actually be moving back to Connecticut.

That's kind of the plan.

So my goal was to go to Japan in April, but it may be pushed back if we are going to be moving again.

15:26

All of this is up in the air and it just seems like this year is going to be a great year in terms of like getting this shit done.

But it's also going to be really hectic and stressful and I guess I'm ready for it, you know?

15:43

I mean, I think I've been like preparing for this my whole life, but it is a lot.

So what else?

I feel like there's so much, but with that, that's like that.

16:00

An update about Sky is always good news.

I didn't have therapy this week because I was sick, I was travelling, but I am going back on Monday so I'm sure I'll have done more processing and I'll have more to talk about then.

16:26

So yeah.

Until then, guys, this has been therapy.

Notes Episode 15.

Session 14

Transcript:

0:01

I have tried to start this episode no less than 30 times.

At this point, I've been sitting on the floor in a hotel room in New York City trying to get something recorded.

I start and then like 5 minutes in I'm like, what am I talking about?

0:20

And maybe that's what I should talk about.

Honestly, I just spent the last like 3 hours roaming the streets of New York, just trying to empty my mind, trying to come down from this time that I've spent here with my family.

0:40

And every time I visit, something inevitably happens.

There's always some sort of chaos.

And I, like I said in the last episode, about three days before I got here, my mom had to put her mom into a senior living facility.

1:01

And if you know my mom, which you know, you guys do, you know, it's a lot, you know what she's like.

So for her to have to make that kind of decision and then to have visitors.

1:16

So me, my husband and my son in her space, and then of course, we all got COVID the first week we're here.

And you know, she still works.

It's a lot, you know, There's been a lot going on, a lot of, and there's good things and like bad things.

1:33

And I I can't seem to even figure out how to explain it all because honestly, it keeps changing.

Like every other day I get new information.

So just a quick overview, since my grandmother moved into a senior living facility, her house is now unoccupied.

2:01

And years ago I had mentioned to my mom and other members of the family that I would be interested in purchasing the house if that day were to ever come.

And if you are a millennial like me or younger and you've never owned a home, then you probably understand the feeling that maybe you'll never own a home unless by some sort of miracle something just works in out in your favor.

2:27

So honestly, guys, I was, I mean, I've also, I've been living in Los Angeles for 10 years.

I I'm very comfortable with never owning a home.

Like I know that it may never happen.

So this idea was presented to me, and then it was taken away.

2:47

And then it was presented again.

And then it was taken away all within, like, you know, several days of just being here and knowing my family, I'm not putting any.

I'm not betting anything.

3:03

I'm just staying, trying to stay neutral and stay as grounded as possible.

Unfortunately though, for my husband, he was getting excited and then sad and then excited and then depressed and then mad and just all of the emotions.

3:19

And I try to reassure him that just hang tight, maybe you'll be OK.

We'll just see.

We can't do anything just yet, but there could be an opportunity to move my family back to Connecticut, and that's a huge decision.

3:42

It's huge.

And it's also moving back to my hometown.

That's where the house is, and that doesn't bother me.

I know that I wouldn't be moving back the same person.

3:59

I don't have the same temperament and demeanor or perspective anymore.

I think moving to Los Angeles a decade ago was the best thing I've ever done.

4:16

When you, you know, live through a traumatic event, you can either face it head on or run away.

And I ran away, but I ran away because, think about it, Sky went missing when I was 24.

4:38

That's like a crazy time to like deal with something so major.

I didn't know who I was.

I don't.

I didn't know what I wanted.

And then to live in the shadow of that, with not knowing, with just being paralyzed with inability, leaving was the best thing for me.

5:03

And so I feel like if I were to move back to Connecticut, I'd move back stronger and different and just better overall.

Like, I can handle anything.

And that's what I feel like at this point in my life.

Like I can handle anything, you know, almost.

5:27

But yeah, that's that's what's been going on.

And then I was all supposed to have a a therapy appointment.

I was actually supposed to be doing it right now, but that was cancelled and I was supposed to actually dive into the if the list, the timeline of Sky's disappearance and really get into that for EMDR.

6:01

But you know what?

That wasn't going to happen anyways because I never made the list.

Because honestly, I just, I feel like when you when there's too much going on, I think the best thing to do is nothing.

6:22

Just kind of like wait until like the tide changes just a bit.

Give yourself some grace.

I think that's what I did today.

And I think that's also why I'm.

I've been frustrated with trying to record something because I feel like, you know, I told myself I do it weekly and it's these expectations that I hold to myself that hurt the most if I don't follow through.

7:01

You know, it hurts if it's not the best.

But you know what?

I never claimed to be perfect.

I actually never tried or strived for it because I don't know, perfection is kind of an illusion, right?

7:21

And since there's been too much going on, I think the best thing to do is nothing and say nothing.

Not until I'm 100% on knowing what is next going forward, right?

7:46

Doesn't that make sense?

Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing.

So I should stop stressing about trying to record something and put something out and just put this out.

I think that's something to consider.

8:06

You know when nothing can be done in the moment.

Just do nothing.

Oh, and I'm done.

I'm done trying to record anything else.

I should be back in Los Angeles next week.

8:28

I should also know more about whether or not I can make this cross country move.

Or maybe I just stay in Los Angeles and figure out my life there.

This Has been Therapy Notes Episode 14

Session 13

Transcript:

0:01

So correct me if I'm wrong, but we all got COVID for the holidays, right?

Like everyone, everywhere, Everything cancelled, right?

It wasn't just me.

So that's where I'm at.

We actually traveled to Connecticut for the holidays this year, and as soon as we landed, we all got COVID.

0:27

So for an entire week we stayed at my parents house, just ping ponging COVID germs back and forth to one another.

Needless to say the trip has been a success.

Currently I am not at my parents house.

0:47

We needed a break from that space.

So I am able to actually just sit and think for a second and take a time to actually do this.

And this is funny because it's a week I needed to do a therapy session.

1:07

And obviously because of travel, things come up and I had a virtual session scheduled and I was sick and she was sick.

So things have fallen through the cracks and what a week, what a week it has been.

And it's not just COVID.

1:23

It's traveling.

It's staying with my parents, staying in my Sister Sky's bedroom while we stay at my parents, and then also my mother's mother.

1:38

My grandmother was just moved into a convalescent home.

And all of this happened, like, literally within a week.

It's been a lot.

And also just dealing with being back in my hometown, being back in the home that I grew up in and trying my hardest not to shift into old habits.

2:11

And it's hard.

My husband pointed out to me that I was quickly shifting back into old habits.

And he's like, you're not old Megan anymore.

You you don't need to do this.

And he was trying to give me an example, mainly that I don't know how to talk with my dad.

2:31

And it's not that I don't know how to talk with my dad.

I do.

I can.

It's just that I don't want to anymore.

I'm done.

I don't want to put effort into it.

The thing is, I haven't lived with my parents in over 15 plus years.

2:50

I left just not long after Sky went missing because Sky's disappearance created an entirely new family.

3:06

It was the family dynamic shifted.

Things changed in a way that is so hard to put into words other than to say it was destructive and toxic and consuming.

And it would have if I stayed.

3:23

It would have torn me apart.

It tore me apart like enough just to stay in the state.

It's so all consuming.

When you go through a trauma, A tragedy that you cannot resolve, it does something to you.

3:47

And it changed the house I grew up in.

It changed the dynamic because it changed the people so profoundly that live there that everything else transforms to.

4:03

It's grotesque in a way.

Everything in there just takes up so much space that it consumes you.

The things my dad does.

He I swear I'm not exaggerating.

4:19

He has been in a recliner for the past 15 years and to describe the noise that comes out of the television would be just to say it's like a sporting event that's just non-stop.

It's so much noise that the noise takes up space.

4:41

There's no place to go in there.

There's no place to hide.

You're constantly bombarded with just chaos and being over stimulated and overwhelmed.

And for him, it's probably to drown out his trauma and his pain because he's never, he's never done anything about it, never.

5:08

So to be in that space, it's you.

I'm a feeling I'm physically drowning in on dry land.

It's intense.

5:26

And actually since we're not staying there tonight, when we got into the new space that we're at right now, my husband's like, do you feel that?

Do you feel lighter?

Do you feel like you can breathe?

He's like, it's haunted.

5:43

I'm convinced your parents house is haunted.

I don't know by just ghosts.

I don't know if Sky came back and put a curse on the House, but it's definitely haunted by just the unresolved trauma of what my family has gone through.

6:07

And it's crazy.

It's crazy and it's also the holidays.

So you may be wondering, how does one celebrate or acknowledge a missing person?

You know, I'll tell you how we do it.

6:25

We don't.

It's insane.

Nobody talks about it.

And even my mom, knowing that, like, recently getting the news that we may have to go to Japan to give DNA, my mom was so overwhelmed by what's been happening, rightly rightfully so, that she's like, let's talk about Japan after after the holidays.

6:58

And I was like, that's totally fine.

I understand, like everything feels crazy right now.

We're all sick.

We're just, it's been rough.

And so actually yesterday my mom and I spoke about going to Japan and she addressed her concerns.

7:23

And honestly, I don't know if she can go to Japan like physically.

And it's not only the emotional and mental stress of it.

I don't know she's ready to do that, but physically she's 70 years old.

7:45

It's like a 15 hour flight.

She has bad hips.

It's so it's like a physical thing that I'm honestly concerned about.

So best case scenario, we can do the DNA in Connecticut and they could ship it to Japan.

8:01

And then in April, I'm going to go to Japan with my family and we're going to tackle whatever needs to be tackled then.

Because the reality is my mom is terrified.

And she also admitted that she hadn't said a word to my dad about it because she's terrified of it.

8:27

Do you understand that guys?

My mom is terrified to bring up the idea her a desire that she doesn't want to go to Japan, but to bring it up to my dad because my dad will fight her on it.

8:47

My dad, the father of Sky.

This is like the energy that we're dealing with somebody who's never resolved.

And she's, she was terrified in also the sense that the finances, how is it going to be covered And she's like, are you going to do a GoFundMe?

9:07

And I was like, once we know what we're working with, I was like, yes, I will do that.

And honestly, guys, it'd be the only way my mom would go because my dad would tell her that she can't go because of the money.

He would essentially just break her down and she would give in just to not hear it.

9:33

You guys are hearing this right?

This is crazy.

And like when she was telling me that she was hesitant and I know she was keeping things out because she knows I will not react well.

9:50

So probably what my dad really thinks.

Because like though I talk about this openly, my dad has never listened to the any of my podcast.

He's never seen a TikTok.

He doesn't seen anything I put on YouTube, Instagram, wherever any of the articles that I have talked about Sky's disappearance and never he refuses.

10:11

Flat out refuses.

And my mom had once tried to tell him, hey, don't do this.

Like maybe you don't want to do this for Sky, but your other daughter's still here and she still needs you and he still refuses.

10:29

Isn't that crazy?

Isn't that crazy?

And The thing is, I only I know that he only does this because of the amount of pain he's in and just flat out refuses to deal with it.

And because of that it affects everything in the house.

10:50

Everything.

Side note, I know I talk about the energy of the house, but while my husband was getting ready one morning in my sister's room, after taking a shower, he watches the door open.

11:16

There's no wind, there's no windows open.

The bedroom door just opens as wide as can be, and he's just watching it.

And he's like, what?

What is that?

And as he's changing, there's a chair like in a corner in that room, and he swears he thought it was me that walked in the room and sat in the chair because he was convinced he saw somebody sitting there.

11:44

And you know how, like sometimes you see something in your peripherals and you, you know, nothing's really there.

But man, in that moment, he became a hundred 100% convinced that the house is haunted.

12:11

And you know what it is?

It's haunted by something.

And it wouldn't surprise me if Sky is there in a way.

I mean, she is there.

She is.

12:28

She's there in in the lack of acknowledgement and the lack of things said between the remaining family members.

She's there.

When my mom and I whisper about it, she's always there.

12:46

She's been there and I think she's just clawing at the walls to get out.

She's clawing at my dad to face the realities.

So that's the holidays.

13:09

That's the holidays when somebody goes missing, you know, for a family that can't talk about it.

And I feel like that's why I double down so hard.

I haven't posted as much in the past few weeks, obviously because of travel and sickness.

13:31

But man, this next year, 2024, yo, my friends, we're going to Japan.

I'm sick.

I'm sick of it.

We're going.

I'm going to figure out the logistics and it's going to be a fucking healing adventure whether or not my mom can go.

13:57

I'm going and I'm taking you with me.

I hope you know that, guys.

I'm not doing this alone.

My husband will come with me.

I'm still debating on whether to bring my 5 year old.

But you're definitely coming with me.

All of you, everybody out there that listens, You're coming with me.

14:17

We're doing this together.

We're going to get answers.

We're going to get some healing.

I don't know about closure, but like, we're going to do some shit.

I'm excited about that because I can't do this.

I can't keep coming back to my parents house and seeing this pain.

14:38

I can't fucking do it anymore.

So this is what we're doing for next year.

I'm excited.

We're going to figure this out.

I will all, I will keep you all in the loop.

And yeah, here's to like 2023.

14:56

It's been a pretty fucking solid year, you know, But things are going to be changing.

I need to make big moves.

I'm happy to share them all with you when they happen.

15:16

And I need to see my therapist.

So until then, this has been therapy, Notes Session 13, Lucky 13.

15:31

Here we go.

Yes.

Session 12

Transcript:

0:01

Hello again and let's get into it.

So on Monday, I had my regular therapy session.

This week was a little different because it was held virtually.

Typically, I do not like to do my therapy sessions virtually.

I want to be present.

I want to be there.

I want to be able to read body language and I want to be able to have them see how I actually physically react to the things that we talk about, because a lot is said in body language, things that I just may not realize or not have the words for.

0:33

So I just think it's beneficial for therapy.

But that's me.

And unfortunately, this time it was done virtually and it was fine.

You know, I think The thing is, these things happen and though I want to control as much as I can because I have lived in this pretty much uncontrolled state for a very long time, I'm used to it.

0:55

I can adapt, I can bend.

And the session was really good.

And just to recap the session, the week before I had gotten a call from the Southington Police Department about something new in the case and not necessarily new information as to what had happened to Sky, but something more actionable that we can do in terms of getting new DNA into Japan.

1:22

As I stated before, the DNA that was submitted cannot be used in Japan due to the methodologies that they use in Japan in regards to DNA.

So that being said, I have not had an update from the Selington Police yet.

1:42

I'm not too sure when I will get that update.

I know the last time I had an update was like a month ago, so I'm not in any way surprised that I've yet to hear anything.

I'm well aware that it has been 15 years since guy went missing, so I am not expecting nor asking for miracles.

2:03

I am just excited that there has been something that's more actionable that we can do.

That being said, the first thing my therapist asked, well, the first thing she wanted to do was tell me her thoughts.

2:21

But she gave me some space and she's like, so how are you feeling about the information from last week?

And honestly, the more I have been able to sit with it and think about it, I'm going to Japan.

I'm going to go whether or not my mother and I need to physically go to Japan to deliver the DNA, I'm going to go.

2:46

So if I hear back from the Southington police that it is our only option in order to get the DNA to Japan to go to Japan, then we will go as soon as possible.

But if my mother is able to give the DNA in Connecticut and then they can send it to Japan, of course my mom will do that.

3:08

The reality set in due to my mother's age and the length of travel and it's just the stress involved that would be easier on her.

But I need to go.

3:26

I do, I do for my own healing and there's still actionable things that I can do while I'm there.

I get the police records and retrace the steps, get more insight into the things maybe I overlooked when I was there 15 years ago.

3:48

You know, get a different perspective.

And I'm going to do that.

I'm going to wait until the weather is nicer, though.

I do not need the stress of this type of situation coupled with bad weather.

4:07

I need to be kind.

I need to be real.

I'm gonna go when the weather's a little bit nicer.

I think that is only fair.

So I'm aiming for April.

That's what I'm aiming for.

And when I told my therapist that, she said yes, you need to go.

4:30

And she prefaced that with also saying that typically she does not ever, ever suggest anybody her like her patients, to go back to the place that has caused so much trauma.

And I agree.

4:46

But she said my case is a little different.

This is a hard thing to heal from.

I may never get closure, but if I can kind of complete certain things that feel as though I can accomplish them knowing that I did everything possible in my you know in within my capabilities, then that would give me a different kind of closure.

5:20

Like I did everything I could And something that we discovered in discussing this.

Because while it has been 15 years and there has been opportunities for me to go back, I have found every excuse on the book not to.

5:43

And the main thing that has prevented me was looking for permission to go and also just waiting for somebody else to step in and help.

6:01

I've been waiting for 15 years for some help, and it's funny how I never took a step back and actually looked at the reality of it, that no one was stepping in.

6:19

Nobody has stepped in this entire time.

It's been me.

I've had people on the sidelines cheering me on, wishing me the best of luck, offering comfort and support, but nobody actually coming to help me do the work, to make the phone calls, to do the research.

6:46

It's a tall order and I've never asked, so partly I blame myself and I never wanted to show my suffering through this.

7:07

I always said I was OK and I haven't been.

This is tough.

And it dawned on me that when my therapist said to go, I was like, Oh my God, thank you for giving me permission.

7:33

I've been waiting for somebody to tell me to just and people have been.

People have been saying it, but I needed to know that it was the right thing for me to do, because I also know the reality is that I can go, you know I can go, but I can still come back with no answers and nothing else.

7:59

And I'm afraid of what my life will look like once I know that I've done everything that I can't.

I'm terrified of that.

And life is good.

8:16

Life could be even better, but I'm afraid of that.

I've gotten comfortable in this dark space.

It's become part of my identity and I'm afraid I wouldn't know who I am without it.

8:45

It's fucking sad this guy went missing when I was 24.

I didn't know what I wanted to do or who I was, and I never allowed myself.

9:09

The I never allowed myself to dream beyond.

Beyond that, I was OK in in not knowing and not knowing what happened to Sky.

9:24

In not knowing who I am or what I wanted out of my own life.

It was already given to me.

A hand was dealt that I didn't ask for, but I'll always take on the bigger problems.

9:48

I'll always put myself last, but it's a disservice to everybody else around me.

It is.

I'm not 100% present.

I can't commit.

10:08

There's always 1 foot out the door.

There's a hesitancy to change because I've gotten so comfortable in this state.

I've gotten so comfortable in the unknown that I fear I'm actually planning a life for myself.

10:43

And it's not fair to me or my family at this point.

And I've let it hang over me for so fucking long.

11:01

It was funny.

My therapist was like, normally people avoid in the dark places.

They don't want to sit in their feelings.

And she said it dawned on her that I had been sitting in these feelings for 15 years and it's time to get out of them.

11:23

So I have to do something more actionable.

I have to go.

I have to go.

I don't have a choice in this anymore.

The choice has been made, and I know, I know.

11:47

Not too many people find themselves in a situation like this.

And if I were to look at this as an outsider, I would be like, what the fuck is wrong with her?

Why did she wait so long?

It doesn't make any sense.

And of course it doesn't make any sense.

I don't know how to rationalize it, but I need to to express that it.

12:06

It isn't easy and I'm my own worst enemy in this.

I am, and I always have been and I always will be.

But it's funny how you rationalize things.

12:29

It's funny how events shape and change you, and how they can destroy you but also make you better.

12:48

It was funny how that my therapist had asked me what what I wanted to do with my life and then she was also like 24, too fucking young to handle something like this.

13:05

It's too young.

You're too inexperienced.

And then just sit with that for years and she's like, what do you think he would do?

And The thing is, when I look at my life now, Skye's disappearance pushed me so far outside of anything I knew and anything that I was comfortable with.

13:35

And I struggled with staying the same.

For about 5 years.

I struggled with trying to come to grips of what had happened and how it had changed me.

And then when I saw things just turned darker and more bleak in where I was and like where I was living and the relationships that I had, it pushed me to just let go of it all.

14:01

And being able to let go and find the confidence and the drive to like, sell all my belongings and move across the country with nothing, with no way, safety net, no job.

14:19

It was liberating and it was everything that I needed.

And I was.

I surprised myself in a way, stating that I was thankful for this traumatic event because I would have never gotten to where I am despite the bumpy road, and that I'm happy.

14:50

I am happy here in my current life, not wanting more than I have and being content with the loneliness I feel sometimes actually looking for that and sitting in it.

15:13

I love my husband, I love my son, and I love to just look out the window or just take a walk.

I learned to love the simplest things and that has been a gift.

15:32

That's been the biggest fucking gift.

And I like who I am.

I do.

But can it get better?

You know, if I do what I need to do, meaning go to Japan and going through this really hard moment, if I can finish all of this, could I even be better?

16:12

I think that thought scares me.

It's really terrifying.

It's really when people say like, how do you go through something really difficult and it's just like you go through it, you go fucking through it.

And I've been in it and I've taken everybody around me in it too.

16:42

So I need to just finish it.

I need to finish it.

I need to go back and I need to go through it and I need to feel it because it can only make me better.

17:18

Well, that was a lot.

That was a lot.

And honestly, I've been feeling a little on edge this week, not just because of that session, because that session was like actually really good.

It just gave me, I think, the push that I needed.

17:38

But I'm also heading back to Connecticut for the holidays.

I hadn't, actually.

I visit Connecticut pretty often when I can, but this time it's around the holidays and I haven't actually spent like Christmas.

17:57

I haven't spent Christmas there since I moved out here.

I typically don't like to travel during high, high travel times, but I'm going to go back this year.

I'm going to go back for a while.

I'm going to go back for a while because there's always some new family event that I need to, you know, take part of, I guess.

18:22

And I think I've been stressed about that.

It's always hard to go back.

It's good, you know, because it's familiar, but it's tough.

It is tough, but yeah, I'll try to keep recording these episodes while I'm there, maybe do some video recordings too so you guys can get a better feel of what it's like.

18:58

Because you know, if you've been following stuff like that.

I typically stay in my sister's room.

When I go go back, it's going to be OK.

19:15

Don't worry guys, I'll keep you in the loop.

Anyways, this has been therapy.

Notes session 12.

Session 11

Transcript:

0:01

I'm not one to answer my phone, and it's not because I'm a millennial.

It's a habit I got into years ago because I just don't like talking on the phone.

It gives me anxiety.

I don't know when to speak because I can't see you.

FaceTime or text is my current preferred method.

0:19

So as I was sitting in the parking garage yesterday right before my therapy appointment, I saw that I had a missed call and a voicemail and it was from the Southington Police Department.

Voicemail letting me know that they have new information and they have to ask me a few questions.

0:40

And this is right before like 5 minutes before my therapy appointment and I figured, well this is good.

This is probably where I need to be and most of the time when I get a phone call from the Southington police I feel OK.

0:58

It doesn't really elicit much of A reaction, but for some reason I was stricken with so much anxiety and most of the time I would have just waited till after the appointment because I don't like being late to things.

1:15

I don't like things, I don't like things to be rushed.

So having to take a phone call or call somebody back with only 5 minutes before I have to do something else just makes me a little anxious.

But there was something about the voicemail where I knew I just had to call.

1:36

So I called.

I called when I got into the lobby of the building and the officer answered and then he told me let me call you back in five.

Great, great. 5 minutes before my therapy appointment and I have to wait 5 minutes for a phone call from the police.

1:58

So I sat anxiously waiting for both the therapist and the police officer to call and the therapy.

The therapist got to me first, which was probably a good thing that she brought me into the office And I told her I was like, I am going to have to take a call because the Southington police called And she was like, oh of course, of course.

2:23

Obviously I didn't have to explain too much.

She already knows she knows too much.

So it was only two minutes into our therapy session when I received a phone call from the Southington Police Department.

He quickly, you know, apologized, said he had like 5 things going on at once, and he then let me know that he got an update from Interpol.

2:49

Interpol had contacted Japan looking For more information.

So in the Interpol database, there was no DNA match for the family DNA.

Nothing that my parents had submitted had matched to any remains that were in the Interpol database and the news like that is good.

3:14

You know, any news at this point is good news.

But what we found out is that Japan uses a different method for their DNA and the DNA that we submitted is not compatible to their methodology.

3:35

Cool.

Would have been nice to know this.

So they had replied back to Interpol, letting them know that the DNA that was submitted will not be able to be used in their database and could not check further into their own records.

4:01

So Interpol had asked again what needs to be done and Japan replied with they need to come to Japan to submit the DNA.

This information was relayed to the police officer in Southington, and that officer had called the Connecticut State lab, wondering if there was a way to take the DNA that was in the Connecticut State lab and change it to accommodate the methodology that they use in Japan to match DNA.

4:41

It was beyond that person's scope, so she informed the police officer that she would look into that.

The police officer had suggested that my mother could easily go down to the Southington Police Department to submit DNA in whatever methodology that Japan needed, and then it could be shipped out.

5:07

But they need clarification on that, clarification on if you can submit DNA that way, if they would accept that, or if we have to go to Japan.

5:26

So he told me all of this information as I sat on the couch in my therapist office and I was excited and scared and nervous and just all of the feelings, I guess, that you would feel when given this kind of information.

5:46

Because The thing is, I've been wanting to go to Japan.

My family's been wanting to go to Japan, but we always felt like there's just needed to be something else to ensure that taking a trip there would be the we would make the best use, have time and money spent.

6:12

We want to be efficient and effective in going there, not just to like retrace steps, but to get the work done, to leave with knowing that we could have done everything that we did, everything that we could in our power.

6:37

And I was excited at that notion that this was one.

This was the the thing that could bring us there, where we could submit the DNA and get the police records because we would be there.

6:53

There would be no excuse for them not to hand these things over.

And I talked through it with my therapist.

And I also prepared to speak with my mom about this, to let her know that, hey, maybe let's look at plane tickets and it feels like what I found, actually what I found funny, was the assumption that, like, from the police officer as to why couldn't we just collect the DNA here and send it over.

7:46

It just felt like the how do I put this?

I guess I'll just say it.

It felt like a very arrogant American thing to say, not because I think he's wrong, but because Japan also holds a lot of power.

8:10

And just because we assume that, hey, why can't we do it this way doesn't mean this other entity would agree.

And it's something that I found true in dealing and having like an international missing persons case is that just because things work one way here and we assume that things could work that way, it doesn't make it universal.

8:39

It really doesn't.

And it humbles you.

And so when he said that, there was like laughter in my head.

And I'm like, oh, oh, if only, if only you knew.

And it was in that moment where I was like, oh, we're going to have to go.

8:58

It's that's what it's going to be.

But I don't know yet.

And the last correspondence that I had with the detective was about a month ago.

So I don't know when I'll get another reply about this.

9:20

And it's just one of those things that I'm going to have to sit with and wonder about and and try to plan logistically in my head, Like, when could this, when could I go?

Or is it just an easy thing for my mom to go down to the Police Department and submit some DNA?

9:43

This is kind of a perfect example of what it's like to just not know how to navigate a system, because there are no systems that can accommodate a case like this.

It's all like, you know, mismatched puzzle pieces and all of them are flipped upside down and you don't know what goes where and nobody does.

10:08

Even the people that you think would know, they don't know.

And that's just the reality of it.

So another thing, when I got home, I told my husband and he was like, OK, let's figure out when we're going to go.

10:30

And then I was like, well, let me talk to my mom.

So I FaceTime my mom.

And as I was telling her, it hit me.

This guy went missing 15 years ago, 2008.

10:49

I was 24 at the time.

I'm currently 40.

My mom was well, let me do the math.

My mom was 5555.

11:09

How is that right?

How did so much time go by?

But 55 is a lot different than 70.

And I've seen my mom come to travel and visit me, and I know long flights don't agree with her.

11:30

And it dawned on me that this either needs to be done as soon as possible before she gets even older because of long flight.

Like that isn't kind on an on somebody's body.

And not just the flight, but it's the stress of the situation and the weird things it will do to you.

11:53

And I remember, I remember my mom in Japan.

Shell shocked, is a fair description of how of how she acted.

She tried her best to hold it together, but there was a dis a dissociated state that came over her, a numbness that shielded her, and a speech impediment that silenced her.

12:26

And couple that with 15 years and open-ended grief.

I saw a nervousness in her when I told her.

And The thing is, last year she renewed her passport along with my dad getting a passport for the first time.

12:45

Because I told him that this was this day was going to come where we're going to go back.

But I think the reality of it hit a little different.

So if we need to go back, we need to do it sooner than later.

13:07

There's a part of me that wants to go as soon as possible and might be disappointed that if it's getting a submitting ADNA sample in Southington, if that's efficient and good enough, I'd be kind of let down because I want to go, I need to go.

13:34

And it was funny as I sat in therapy and I was going over all the different scenarios that could come from this situation.

My therapist was like, normally, I don't suggest for anyone to go back willingly to a place that had caused so much trauma, but in this case, I think it's necessary and I couldn't agree more.

14:06

It's something I need to do 100%, and that's for me.

I don't know if it's something my mom needs to do, you know, I don't know if that would be good for her.

14:23

Not in the same way that it would be good for me.

And that's a funny thing about this complicated grief and the trauma and the what it, I mean what it does to you, it changes you.

14:49

My mom is not the same person that she was 15 years ago.

She is not at all.

She's not the person that raised me.

I don't know if she knows that.

15:10

I can tell, but I'm sure I'm sure she can.

I don't recognize her as the same person.

But you know what?

15:30

You know what?

I don't think she'd hesitate to go, even if it hurt her in some way, but I just wouldn't want her to do it just for me at this point.

15:54

I hope that she would know that she would do it for her to know, to know what really happened, to know that she's strong enough to face it head on.

16:15

So yeah, that was this week.

That was yesterday.

This episode's a little bit sooner because I needed to get that off my chest.

Yeah.

16:37

So there's an update, I think the most substantial update that we've had yet, an update that that gives us some kind of movement to check, some boxes off to make to make this all worth it.

17:06

This has been therapy, notes Session 11.

Session 10

Transcript:

0:01

I have to be honest.

Lately, I want to cancel all of my therapy appointments.

I don't want to go.

I don't want to leave the house for it.

I don't feel inspired to go.

I'm not feeling like it helps, not in the way that I need it to help.

0:19

Sometimes I do.

I love to just go and like, chat with her just about the week.

Yeah, of course, I don't mind that.

But it's everything else.

It's the the work that I need to do.

It's sitting in that dark space trying to bring myself back to that place.

0:40

A place like I don't want to be.

I don't want to be there.

I don't want to sit and think about my time in Japan and all the time afterwards in watching everybody else's life move forward while I stay stuck.

0:59

Not knowing how to move forward.

Feeling as though feeling just so much guilt, you know, with having the opportunity to continue on, but just completely unable to do so.

1:17

And it's no matter how much time goes by, it's still, it's still so fucking heavy.

And I know some.

I mean, sometimes I just get so mad at myself because I feel as though anybody else could just move on, you know?

1:44

And why can't I?

Why do I do this to myself?

What?

What is it all for?

So this Monday, I was bracing myself preparing to tell my therapist that, hey, maybe maybe I'll take a break for, you know, a few weeks, I can come back, you know, in February.

2:07

But to my surprise, she had texted me early that morning saying that she was sick.

And I was like, Oh my God, thank God.

Now thank God that she was sick.

Thank God that I don't have to go in And but she quickly responded with hey, I can do it virtually, but it's up to you.

2:25

And I replied, Oh no, no, no.

Like you're not feeling well.

You don't need to be burdened by my, you know, issues.

That's not going to make you feel better.

And I use that as a way to feel better about myself not being honest with the fact that I just didn't want to go.

2:44

And I'm being thankful for the fact that, you know, she is the one giving me an excuse.

And she replied back and she said, you know, it's up to you.

And then in that moment, I was frozen with such indecision.

3:01

I literally just froze.

I sat on the couch, and my husband's like, what's going on?

And I told him, and I'm like, I can't, I don't know what to do.

And he's like, we'll just do it virtually.

And I was like, I don't want to do it virtually.

Oh, my God.

Like, I don't want to spend the money to just sit in front of my computer and talk to her.

3:20

I don't want to do that.

It like felt like a a waste of money.

And then and then he said it's not about the money.

It's never about the money because you getting the help that you need is worth the money.

3:37

It affects everybody.

It helps everybody out, even if you don't see it that way.

And he's like, why don't you see it that way?

Because I'm broken.

Because I if the if my worth is not somehow valued monetarily, it's like I have no worth.

4:06

And I don't know where that came from, but it's something that is just ingrained in me.

I I barely make money from the effort I put into these podcasts or whatever I put out there.

I don't make money off of this.

4:22

And I put so much time into it because I should be noble enough, you know, to just do it out of the goodness of my heart.

But I don't know.

4:38

Is that what is that?

What is that?

There's.

But anyways, after like an agonizing 15 minutes or so, I replied back to her.

4:59

I was like, OK, we can do it virtually.

And then she didn't say anything and I was like, thank, OK, thank God, Maybe she's just back in bed and it's fine, you know, no big deal.

So then I just, I go out, I go out, I do some therapeutic shopping or just window shopping, basically.

5:23

And then she texts me back.

She's like, OK, we're on.

And it's like 11:00 at this point and our appointments at noon And I was like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck why?

You know?

And The thing is, all I need to do is really be honest with myself about the situation.

But in that moment too, I also been watching my phone, ready to reply back.

5:45

And I see that she unsends her message, She unsends it, unsends.

I had no idea that that was an option.

And then she sends me another message.

She's like, you know what, I'm coming down with a fever.

So yeah, I'm just cancelling everything today.

And I was again, so thankful, so thankful.

6:04

But then in that aftermath, and when I I think about it, I'm just like, I need to be honest.

I need to be honest with myself.

I need to be brutally honest with myself.

6:19

And I need to start being honest with other people too.

And it's frustrating because The thing is, I'm scared to do the work.

I'm scared to go to that dark place.

And I do this to myself all the time.

6:39

All the time, with everything.

I can tell myself that I can do something, but I know I won't.

I know I'll find an excuse to run, hide, dissociate, avoid.

6:58

It's the one thing I'm so good at.

I I need, like a fucking Nobel Peace Prize.

Not that because my avoidance would bring peace to the world, but it's something I was sitting with this week because I didn't go to therapy.

7:24

And it's my need to be honest with myself, my need to really accept what I'm avoiding.

And I've been avoiding it for so, so, so, so long.

And I've been avoiding how I feel about myself and myself worth and what it's really worth because myself worth and my the how I hold myself to myself is not high.

8:01

It's not high at all.

And it's funny because it's like you think when you grow up you outgrow these feelings because this feeling feels so juvenile to me.

8:23

It feels like I should have outgrown this, but it dictates so much of what I say I do but really don't because I'm often just too afraid to ask for help.

8:51

And that's what I need to admit to myself.

The many of the all the goals that I want will never be achieved if I don't start being more honest with myself.

9:15

And how does one change that?

I want to bring a surviving Sky to a bigger audience.

I want to connect with people.

9:33

I want to raise money to go back to Japan.

And then I want to have a separate fund to help other families who may find themselves in this position.

That's what I want to do, and I've been saying it or not saying it really.

9:55

I'm afraid to speak my goals out loud, because in that case, the only person I'm letting down when they don't get achieved is myself.

Then I can handle that kind of disappointment.

10:12

I just can't handle the disappointment of others.

10:27

What do you do with that?

What do you do?

Because I don't know.

I don't know where to begin.

I guess the first step is to actually stay in therapy because it's hard.

10:51

It's hard work, It's hard to go there.

And it's funny because it's sometimes I'm just.

I already know what it's like to live in the unknown.

My sister Sky's been missing for 15 years.

11:08

I I know what the unknown feels like, but I'm afraid if I get better, I'm afraid of that unknown.

I'm afraid if I go through therapy and take the time I need to find my peace on a more consistent basis.

11:33

You know, because I I I have good weeks.

I do.

Maybe I'm afraid I'd miss the pain because maybe it's become part of me.

Yeah, that's walked out.

12:04

But anyways, I'm putting this out there.

I'm putting this out there for the world to hear so I can be accountable, so I can do all of the things that I want to do because I don't want to let you guys down.

12:32

I don't want to do that and I don't and I don't want to let myself down anymore, OK?

12:55

This has been therapy, notes Session 10.

Session 9

Transcript:

0:01

I don't function well on a lack of sleep, so much so that a few missed hours could trigger a complete unraveling.

That's how I feel today.

I don't know if there was something in the atmosphere, but my body resisted rest last night.

0:19

So much so that I it's been a long time since I experienced something like that.

The air was sick, warm, but like cold.

Nothing.

Nothing I did made me comfortable.

0:35

I tried to put in an audio book and I was like, this will put me asleep. 10 chapters in.

I was more awake than ever.

It was a frustrating, frustrating night.

And then add to that, like being on a plane less than 24 hours ago, It just, it's just a day where your body is just in complete dysregulation.

1:02

So I tried to mitigate that by taking a yoga class this morning, a hot yoga class, 60 minutes long, where I found myself just sweating, laying on my back because I could not, I could not do it today.

1:20

Oh, it was frustrating.

Every move I tried to make, I edged on hyperventilating.

I was trying to push down anxiety, anxiety attacks with every twist.

It was exhausting.

So I gave in and spent most of the time on the floor just trying to regulate.

1:42

Like, you know, some days you have, you have days like that.

It's frustrating, it's frustrating.

And I know this.

I know my patterns, I know how my emotions work and I know I have to get on top of it before.

2:02

This dysregulation takes everything from me because sometimes it can take me a day to recover, sometimes a week, and it affects everything.

It affects everything.

How I eat, how I perform, how I interact with my relationships.

2:23

It's everything.

I am so sensitive, so fucking sensitive.

So when something's a little off, it's frustrating.

It's so frustrating.

2:40

I cannot be having the best day, best day.

And one thing, one thing goes wrong or one thing seems off, and that's it.

And it's funny that I mentioned this because I know the last podcast episode I put out, I talked about how having found my piece and it just goes to show how fleeting those peaceful moments are, those content, full moments.

3:07

And it's not something you can always strive for, because something as simple as a lack of sleep can disrupt everything.

It's just those things.

3:23

It's like the little things that you have to realize.

It's the simple things, the simple disruptions that can trigger an avalanche of emotions or bad decisions.

So get your sleep, get your sleep and eat Well.

3:42

Something else that also happens when I'm like this is that everything makes me feel nauseous, and it's just this compounding effect where all this negativity feeds into more negativity.

It's like when you're lying awake thinking that you need to sleep.

4:00

It just drums up this anxiety, which in turn keeps you up.

What is that?

Why the fuck are we wired this way?

This is why you do not chase eternal happiness, because it's just isn't.

4:17

It just isn't true.

Just like I know that how I feel right now isn't forever.

You just have to be accepting of the ebbs and flows of our emotions, of our state.

And it's been, I think, pretty tough in the world recently, and I think we're all feeling it.

4:41

I don't think anybody is left untouched.

On a lighter note, I was just on a trip with my family.

We went to Portland, OR and it was a lovely time, a lovely time, a little frustrating at times.

4:59

Oregon has some weird parking issues, but those are trivial things in the grand scheme of things.

But those things, I think even the small things we need to acknowledge, small things can trigger us.

5:18

But it's it was just more of a frustration.

Anyways, my husband was working up there and I spent most of the time trying to entertain my 5 year old, which proved very difficult.

I don't know what happened to him recently, I don't know.

5:37

There's a new stage in in the life of a 5 year old where they try to fight you on everything in complete opposition, even if it's something that they wanna do.

It was it was very frustrating, but still a good time over.

6:04

Overall, it's still a really good time and that is also why it's into a podcast episode last week because you know you have to live your life and that's what I try to do.

But the week prior, I did have a therapy session, and it wasn't the first one that I had in a month.

6:28

So I went into it feeling really, really good.

So good that I just did not want to.

I did not want to get into anything that would be upsetting.

I didn't want to do EMDRI just kind of wanted to recap the four weeks where I wasn't seeing my therapist and she was on board.

6:54

And I I love that when they could sense that hey, you've you've seem really good, let's just chat.

And sometimes that's all you need.

And I felt like that is all I needed in that moment.

I didn't really need to drum up, drum up any extra emotions.

7:14

I didn't need to leave feeling drained.

With EMDR, you will feel it because what you do in those sessions, you visualize these traumatic events.

You put yourself there, who you were in that moment during that time period.

7:34

You are that person again.

You're trying to view it from your current state, but you need to feel it.

So you put yourself there and that that's exhausting, that that can ruin your week.

7:57

Like honestly, it's it's tough, but it is.

When you revisit these emotions and you allow yourself to feel them, that's when you take the new information with all the time that has passed with set event or set emotion, you look at it different.

8:21

You try to process it in a new way so that these traumatic events don't have a significant disruptive power over you anymore.

8:38

And in my situation, I'm well aware.

It's the same with my therapist.

We're aware that we will never fully get to where we'll never be traumatized by this.

Like, I'll always be traumatized by Sky's disappearance and the events surrounding it.

8:59

Always.

I don't have any closure.

I think EMDR is working in a way where I'm just, I'm feeling good after these sessions have passed.

And she actually said she's like, you seem really good and she's like it's probably because you haven't been here in a month because it's hard.

9:23

It's hard work and a lot of times in my sessions I am still building these scenarios for for my therapist to understand.

So a lot of times I'm not even getting into the the actual EMDR itself.

9:42

I'm just, I'm building the world still and that alone is exhausting.

So Needless to say, it was actually a really good session.

When I saw her last.

9:59

I talked about my parents visit and I talked about just like all the things that had happened during during that time, my son's birthday, having a a kid's birthday party for my son and that I don't know if I come across this way.

10:25

If you follow me on TikTok or listen to me here I am an introvert through and through.

I would avoid my own, my own reflection if I could.

So it was a huge, huge success, a huge win for me and my husband, who's also equally as introverted, to have a a party for my son's friends and people, their parents, who I don't know who.

11:01

It's just so uncomfortable.

But I but I did OK.

We all did OK.

What's really funny?

I don't know if anybody else has this.

Both me and my husband are very introverted, but my son is the biggest extrovert I have ever met and it's honestly one of the most challenging things that I have dealt with as when becoming a parent.

11:33

Honestly, I never.

I never thought.

I never considered that.

I guess on becoming a parent, I never considered the the differences, the stark differences that I would have to be challenged with.

11:54

It's a great challenge and I feel like I have risen to the occasion.

But there are moments where I need, I need my time, I need my time to recover, like I need time to think.

12:11

I need time to just stare at a wall and do nothing.

Like, you know, And it's so hard to try to balance talking about my situation and this guy's disappearance and have a family.

12:36

It's challenging.

And it's funny because I feel very on the edge today and I feel my emotions really, really on the surface when on most days I can talk about this pretty, pretty steadily and with confidence.

13:02

But I hesitate today because you guys that disrupted sleep, like I feel it.

I don't know how people do it.

I mean, we do do it.

13:21

We've all been doing it.

We have.

Anyways, this is just one day and it's acknowledging the feelings, it's giving space.

13:43

It's being kind to yourself and knowing that tomorrow is going to be a little bit better, you know?

I hope you all remember that, right?

I'm really just saying that for myself, until until the next session, this has been therapy, notes Session 9.

Session 8

Transcript:

0:01

I don't think most of us realize how long it takes to heal from a physical injury or an illness to a trauma because the reality is, I don't think most of us are afforded the luxury of time.

0:17

It takes time to heal.

It takes time to reflect, time to process.

Those who can just take three days of bereavement and move on with their lives, they're not OK.

I don't care what they're telling you.

0:34

They're not OK.

And I think we need to see that.

And I just wanted to celebrate something for me, because this week I found peace, and peace is fleeting.

0:50

But I found it this week.

There wasn't anything happening and it was great.

I think we need to celebrate those wins.

We don't do that enough.

I know.

I know myself and I know my situation and finding peace is perfection.

1:13

I was able to set agendas for my days and accomplish them, but I didn't overwhelm myself.

I said no to the things I didn't want to do, and I said yes to the things that were just outside my comfort zone, things to make me feel a little on edge, but in a good way.

1:32

You know, we need that.

Finding peace is not the same as finding happiness.

I think happiness, it's overrated.

It's it's not a stable emotion.

It's about as stable as building a house at a cheese.

1:51

It's absurd.

It's not something to it's not an end goal, you know?

It's like anger.

It's the same what I mean, at least for me, when I'm thinking of happiness, I want it to be intense.

2:08

I want it to be a full body experience.

And that's just that's just not something that happens every day.

And I don't expect that.

I want peace, you know, like a puddle on a windless day with nothing happening.

2:27

Those are my goals.

So I just wanted to talk about that.

I had my parents in town and I spoke a little bit about the re emergence of my intrusive thoughts.

2:47

And I knew that when that happened that I needed some time.

I needed some time to just, you know, sit and stare at the wall, 'cause we need time to decompress, we need time to process, and most of us don't have that ability to do that.

3:09

And this week I felt really lucky to actually get to a point where I feel stable and it's amazing.

It's it's great.

The The flip side is like, I know that every day is different and that's fine, that's good.

3:31

I'm fine with every day being a roller coaster or different, but I do want to take time to appreciate.

When I have several days, I'm just peace.

It it feels good.

3:47

It feels good because I know in my situation it's always going to change.

I never know what tomorrow will bring.

But something that's funny that I've realized in my situation, having my sister missing and being faced with the unknown, nothing hits the same.

4:16

I may have addressed this before, but nothing hits the same and nothing really shakes me in the way that it used to because I know what it's like to just walk blindly into things, to just not know and accept it.

4:35

You know?

I think it's actually a really good skill.

I I don't recommend gaining this skill in the way that I have, but being comfortable with not knowing it's very useful.

4:57

And that being said, in regards to Sky's case, obviously there's nothing new and that's fine, that's good, that's a part of the piece.

But I did stumble on to two creators who did cover Sky's case, and I want to say thank you to them for bringing Sky's case to their audience and possibly a whole new audience.

5:23

And that was Beth Scary MUA and she's out of Madrid.

I love seeing when Sky's case is covered in a new language to reach a new audience.

The fact that Sky's case has reached, oh, I got a whole new country is amazing.

5:46

I've had another creator do it in Polish and another one in Italian, and I'm just.

I'm floored.

I just.

I can't thank them enough.

And I found hers on We're About to Scare.

6:03

I found hers on TikTok and on YouTube.

There was another creator, Haley Elizabeth, who covered Sky's case as well.

And both of these were makeup artists, I find.

I know that there's a whole genre of people covering true crime stories or missing people's stories and doing the makeup, and I I applaud them.

6:25

I did a TikTok video where I kind of tried that and I can't.

I can't do that.

So I give them credit.

Haley Elizabeth, I will admit, I watched that whole thing.

It was a little weird for me.

6:42

Most of the information was right, but there was a lot of like personal, I guess opinions kind of put in there.

And that's fine.

You know, like, I understand that people are going to interpret things the way they do and maybe see certain things through their perspective, and I find that interesting too.

7:08

Like, I don't.

If people want to know the truth, the source, I am source information.

So if you are here because of Haley Elizabeth, I'm so, so thankful.

But there were like a few things where I, you know, I can tell that it's through somebody else's perspective.

7:30

And I yeah, again, I find that really, I find it really interesting.

And that's something I do love about talking about Skye's case so publicly, other people's interpretations and how they view things, because it changes my perspective.

7:49

And I want to always stay as open as I can because there could be things that I'm overlooking and there's things that maybe I didn't, maybe I didn't give it enough thought.

So while they were while watching, that was weird and I'm probably not not going to watch it again.

8:13

I'm not going to correct it.

I am just thankful that there's so many people who now know about Skye's case.

It's huge, it's huge.

8:29

And I've had such a outpouring of support and I've had a lot of messages over the past like 2-3 weeks, more than I've like ever had.

And I haven't gotten back to all of them.

Some of them I'll actually address some here.

8:46

There were a lot of people writing in to me about the Akiyagara forest.

I think those were people from the Unfiltered stories if about 3 weeks ago while and that's fine.

9:05

So just to be clear, like the Unfiltered stories, it had this most views over on Facebook and I know most of those people don't follow me at TikTok so I know most of them are not clear on the whole story.

But yeah, I guess anything's possible, though it is in my my opinion that she did not go to the Akia Gar forest due to her location and where she ended up.

9:37

But again, what's interesting about Sky's case is the the unknown and the endless amount of variables and situations that Sky could have faced.

It's endless.

9:53

It's insane.

And every day I'm there's a bunch that I see again and again, but there's always something new and I think that's amazing to see.

I think at this point I have found the strength to actually go through and look at it and appreciate the time that people have taken to learn more about Sky's case and then come up with their own, their own thoughts.

10:23

And I think that is great.

I don't think, I don't think most people can get to this point.

If they are going through a similar case where they're comfortable putting it out there and comfortable taking in everybody else's thoughts, It's a lot, It's a lot of emotional energy that you're taking in.

10:47

Even though, like I'm just reading them, skimming them, if I'm being honest.

And that's where one of my boundaries is.

Sometimes I do.

I do not.

I I don't sit and stare at my phone and read all the comments.

11:08

Not in that way.

I can skim.

I can get the gist of things.

If something strikes me as different, then I'll take the time.

But there is.

I know how to protect myself in this, and that has taken time.

11:29

That has taken so much time, 15 years of time to to get to that point.

And let's be honest, like that is how long it takes.

And I think I think that's healthy and I think that's fine.

11:46

And I know everybody's journey in finding their peace is going to look different if nothing's the same.

I think the truest thing for me to do is to tell you my story, tell you sky story.

12:05

Because maybe you can relate, or maybe you can take little bits from it and find your own little bit of peace and celebrate that.

Because you deserve to celebrate that.

We all deserve that.

Yeah.

12:25

So I'll be going back to therapy on Monday.

As I have said before, I take I've taken this month off due to financial reasons and my parents visit.

So I'll be going back and then I will be recapping more of my sessions for you.

12:53

And yeah, things are good, things are good this week.

I hope that this carries on into forever and ever, but right now it's it's good.

13:09

It's really, really good.

And if you find yourself kind of on a downswing, I hope you know that it's not forever.

You know everything's going to be OK, And this has been therapy, notes Session 8.

Session 7

Transcript:

0:01

My parents came to visit.

Overall, I would say it was successful.

I think what helped was that they didn't stay with me, not the whole time.

I have an aunt that lives down South and they stayed with her, but so did my family as well.

0:23

So me, my husband and my son.

And I think it was the change of space that helped.

Something I realize is that when they visit me in my space, they can never get comfortable, they never know how to act.

0:43

But somehow they it's overwhelming.

Even though nothing in particular is happening, It's just the presence is overwhelming.

So having a change of scenery for all of us and staying at my aunt's place made it pretty tolerable.

1:08

And I'm not saying a visit from my parents is intolerable.

It just it does.

It's challenging.

It can be challenging.

And something that I notice is that when I go visit them, I visit them in my childhood home.

1:26

I stay in my sister's old bedroom and that that's tough.

And I'm in my parents space and my parents space is very particular.

And something that I find is that when I go back to visit them, no matter how old I get or how separate my life has become from theirs, I revert back to old habits and old patterns of who I was when I was living under their roof.

2:03

And that's stressful.

That's not good for me.

It's not good for my husband.

It's not good for my son to see.

And no matter how many times I go back, it's something I feel like it's getting a little easier to deal with because like honestly, it's just a place to sleep.

2:25

It's, you know, they are more than welcoming and accommodating to our needs.

But it is tough.

It's always tough to go back home, especially when such a huge trauma has happened to the family.

2:46

And I am often a glaring reminder to them of that tragedy, of Sky's disappearance, of them handling it differently than I did.

3:04

And something, something about this trip that their that their visit, it made me realize something I often for years after Sky's disappearance, I had very intense and uncontrollable intrusive thoughts.

3:29

And if you don't know what intrusive thoughts are, sometimes it's it's hard to explain.

Basically it's just like this flood of thoughts and images and feelings that you cannot control.

3:47

You cannot shut it off.

So after my Sky's disappearance, I was flooded with grief, uncontrolled grief, and it was the idea that everybody around me was dead.

4:06

I couldn't control these thoughts and I would have physical reactions to these scenarios that were just made-up in my head.

It was so overwhelming and that went on for maybe two years where I just had so much stress and anxiety from just these thoughts that I just couldn't stop.

4:34

I remember moving out of my parents house after a year after Sky's disappearance and driving was a big trigger.

It was like this lack of control.

If I was in the passenger seat, if I was driving, I had a bit more control.

4:53

But it was this sense of just everything being out of control.

I would violently react.

If another car on the road got too close, I would go and visualize these horrific car crashes that I would, I I would physically react to.

5:20

And it was debilitating.

It was so debilitating.

And it took a long time to kind of get control over that and for them to not play such a role in my everyday life.

5:45

And after moving out of state and moving pretty far away from my home, my childhood home, I had definitely got more control over that, to the point where most days over the past several years now, I don't have that.

6:04

I don't have that loss of control of my own thoughts, but I know what triggers it now and unfortunately it's my parents.

I don't know if it's just the stress of them around or or just, you know, I I I guess I can't pinpoint that.

6:34

But the pattern that I've seen over the years when I visit them or when they visit me, is the emergence of the intrusive thoughts where I if my son gets too close to a window, I go through a complete visualization of something terrible happening and I'm reacting to it.

6:57

When I was driving my parents to the airport to drop them off, there was a car that felt a little too close on the passenger side where I was like, are they in my blind spot?

And all I kept thinking, and what I was trying not to react to was somebody was going to pull up my dad in the passenger seat next to me, someone who's going to pull up and just shoot him in the head, just shoot us all in the head.

7:25

And I am going through the thoughts of how, how do I drive through an accident like this?

I'm seeing the median to the left of me and I'm like, how do I survive this?

7:43

And and we went on a whale watch and I'm next to my mom.

My dad didn't go on this with us, 'cause he's really sensitive to motion sickness.

But the horrors that I'm like reacting to in my head about, I mean I I think most people might be terrified of the ocean going so far off the coast.

8:13

But the things that I am feeling, it's so overwhelming.

Like I don't even want to get into all of the scenarios that go through my head when they're around.

It's it's upsetting.

8:32

It's very upsetting for me.

And you know what it was?

It was the that last thought that I was reacting to in the car on the way to the airport to drop them off when I realized I'm like, I haven't had these thoughts in a long time and I haven't I I mean, I guess the last time I had them was the last time I saw them.

9:00

And I think it's, I think it's all part of the process of when you have a traumatic event, it never leaves you.

You know, I think it takes, it may take a lifetime for me to understand fully the depth and the complexity that it has had on my my mind and my feelings and all of that.

9:30

And I I am I, I suppose, at a point where I've come to terms with it.

It doesn't mean it goes away.

It just means I'm better prepared.

And I'm aware of the origins, which is helpful in its own right.

9:50

But there is a duality again with any kind of trauma, where I love my parents, I do.

I want to see them, but I know what I'm going to be feeling every time I do.

10:09

And I do also believe that it will get better with time, no matter how.

I mean, it's going to take a lifetime.

Let's let's be real.

I think I don't.

There's no quick fix.

I don't think there's any fix to a trauma.

10:26

When the damage is done, it's done.

It changes you and you as that person have to come to terms with it.

You have to accept the new you, or else you'll never you'll never be OK.

10:47

You have to accept that things have changed and will never go back.

I think the only time it does go back is when you revisit your childhood home and relive the traumas.

But like, you'll never be who you were before it.

11:05

So I think that's, you know, in a weird way, I'm looking at it as a success.

And it was a successful visit.

And it it it's successful in the fact that I learned something else, that I figured something else out.

11:25

So that next time I visit them, I'm ready, I'm ready for it.

And I think that's great.

I think it's a win.

It's a fucking win.

OK, so other than that, the trip was good.

11:44

It was good.

We went to Legoland, my son turned 5.

All is good and more good news guys.

I had said it on TikTok, but during my parents visit I did receive an e-mail from a detective in Southington who is now on the case and he had informed me about this new process called FIG.

12:11

It's forensic investigative genealogy.

Oh no, genealogy something.

But basically what I now know a little bit more about it.

It is the process, it's the work in checking out and uploading the DNA into databases like jedmatch.

12:34

And there is another one, the name is escaping me.

I should be more prepared with this guys, right?

But basically it's just another database for the family DNA to be uploaded to so that there is a new Ave. to check for DNA profiles and matches like potential matches that you know may help us in Skye's case and that is a win that is I'm so I'm pumped about that and I have uploaded my DNA to Jed match.

13:15

I did that a while ago but my parents, they're gonna now do they have to get 23andMe?

And then we can upload more info and let the detective know.

As you know I hope you know I've stated in the last podcast and on TikTok that the Interpol results were back from Ifamilia and there had been no DNA matches to Sky.

13:45

So again, any news is good news, and I'm thankful for that.

What else?

I think that might be it, guys.

Another short episode, which is good 'cause I talk about some like, fucked up shit here.

14:05

It's good to keep it short.

Makes me feel good.

I feel great sharing this because, yeah, just knowing that my listeners take an interest in Skye's case and my healing journey, I guess it means the world to me.

14:31

I have had an outpouring of support lately.

I had recently done a video with Unfiltered Stories and you can find that on Facebook and YouTube.

You might be somewhere else and that has reached a whole new audience.

14:49

So if you guys are new here from seeing that video, welcome.

I am so happy to have you here.

And I'm so happy to share this story of Sky's Sky's story and my story and my family's story it.

15:08

I just want to open this up to a larger audience.

Because in this journey I've realized that there's so many other people out there who who have similar events, who have been through similar events and have similar feelings.

15:28

And the people that have reached out to me like I feel like they I feel seen and I feel they they're they feel seen and it's been it's been so good.

15:44

It has been so, so good.

So let me not ramble on anymore.

Just know that I I appreciate each and everyone of you and this has been therapy, notes Session 7.

Session 6

Transcript:

0:01

Recently I've had a lot of traction on my social media and in turn that has translated into more listeners on this podcast.

So hi, welcome.

I am so excited to have you here.

I am so excited that you're invested in Sky Story and intern my story and I'm so thrilled to keep sharing this with you.

0:24

And I actually also have to thank my medication.

I don't know if you guys have noticed, but I've been on Wellbutrin for about a month now and in the past month I've seen an explosion in my productivity and my focus and my overall like general wellbeing.

0:45

And The thing is, I have tried Wellbutrin in the past, and after a month I was just like, Nah, this ain't it.

But this time around, I'm on 150 milligrams.

They start.

That's what they started me off with.

And I feel a difference.

1:01

My husband sees a difference.

I'm more focused at home.

I went and reorganized my kitchen.

I cleaned out my son's room and reorganized it, and I finally cleaned my closet.

And that may not seem like a lot, but it's huge.

It is crazy.

1:18

And yeah, I just, I can't.

I can't, I can't even do.

It is so amazing.

And normally I've also shifted my exercise routine.

I had been for the past year.

1:35

Well, I think maybe, yeah.

Starting last year I was training for the LA Marathon and I trained for about like six months straight.

And I was running basically every day.

And I did the marathon.

I like, slowed down the running for a little bit for like a month or so, but then it got back into it.

1:52

But The thing is, what I noticed is that my body was not reacting well to it.

I was really just tired.

I couldn't eat enough to sustain the calories burned and I was so bloated.

And I'm not one to diet or really care about my weight.

2:09

I I'm a firm believer in being strong and sturdy, like I'm not here for anything else.

I want to love my life and enjoy what I can.

Dieting and body is not is not something I'm going to dwell on.

2:24

I don't need to do that.

I don't need anything negative like that in my life.

I got enough, you know.

But with the running I I was noticing that like I went up 15 pounds in like a four month span.

2:42

And that was a lot for me.

So what I did also in this past maybe two weeks, I just stopped running.

I also do maybe like hot yoga once to one to two times a week.

But then I just went back to my walks and my hikes.

3:00

I live in an area that's really hilly and it has like these like secret neighborhood staircases within like, you know, the neighborhood.

So I hit my walks, I hit my stairs, I hit like a hiking trail and I do that and within a week I was like £5 down.

3:20

My bloating is gone.

So with that change and my medication yo wonders life changing.

I feel so fucking good.

And that also comes at a time when I've had to take this month off of therapy.

3:38

So as you know, I do this, I talk about therapy.

Notes is basically me going over my sessions telling you about it.

And I have been doing trauma therapy with EMDR.

And the truth is, when it comes to the EMDR, I'm still working through a lot of stuff.

3:59

Like so much so that already I've been with this therapist for like 5 months now and we haven't even hit my sister's case yet.

So I've been unearthing a lot of trauma, more than I ever realized and now like I can see things a little bit differently.

4:19

And and just if you, in case you're curious, my EMDR is with like these buzzers.

So it's cool.

I'm still working through it.

I'm still processing things and I'm not 100% sure, but I I'm not 100% sure that it's working, but I think it is.

4:41

It's one of those things that I feel like it takes time.

And a lot of my sessions recently I had been just going in and talking.

We barely have time to go over and do any of like the EMDR stuff.

And sometimes I think that that's me kind of just stalling, not wanting to go there.

5:04

But I also have a lot to talk about and I honestly, I'm pretty isolated in my daytoday life, You know, I don't have too many friends that are physically nearby that I can just talk to and vent about things.

So those are what my sessions have been like.

5:23

And this month, unfortunately I have taken the month off for two reasons.

One, because my family's is visiting this week, which is, you know, a reason I need therapy.

5:40

But the other reason is because it costs a lot.

And that's like a daunting thing when it comes to trying to get mental health help is the cost.

And so my therapist is out of network, so I have to pay $175 per session.

6:04

And you may think like, oh, that's a lot.

OK, so why are you stalling on your EMDR?

Just get to it, get healed and get out.

But it's a process, and I know that.

And I've also tried to submit to my insurance and it's been denied.

6:23

And I can try to go through my insurance for reference.

I have Kaiser.

And if you know anything about Kaiser, it's a lot of lot of hands all in, you know, too many cooks in the kitchen, but nobody's taking accountability for anything.

6:38

So you really get lost.

And to actually get a therapist, it could take you months, months, months, months, and then you may get one and then you don't like them, and then you have to start the process again.

And it's so frustrating.

6:54

So I had been through that process, and then I found somebody there, and then my sessions weren't covered anymore.

It's like that whole like song and dance and it's already stressful enough to have traumas and to be dealing with just life that like adding in, you know, insurance and the healthcare system.

7:17

It makes it worse.

And that's why so many people give up.

That's why so many people give up on finding help and getting help because of the whole song and dance that you have to do.

So I had bit the bullet and I cut out all the song and dance and I just found a trauma therapist that I could see and I really like her.

7:36

She is worth the money, but the truth is I don't have it.

And that is the reality of getting help and getting therapy sometimes.

Sometimes you have to be honest with yourself and with your therapist and be like, hey, I'm broke right now.

7:53

I can't afford therapy.

And they know, they understand, I like.

But at the same time there are there were so many times in my journey in getting help where I was ashamed to say things like that, or I was ashamed to be like, hey, we're not a good fit.

8:12

And then I would just like completely ghost them.

But what's really nice with this therapist is that I'm also practicing on how to be a little bit more assertive or let them know what I need out of this.

And that has been huge for me because typically I I run and hide.

8:32

I'm not, you know, a confrontational person.

I will avoid conflict.

Like honestly, case in point, I have never once discussed Sky's disappearance with my father because I know how painful it is for both sides and I know that I can't handle what he has to say and he can't handle what I have to say and that's the reality.

8:58

But practicing those like simple interactions with like my therapist, I don't know she realizes this, but it that has helped me being like, hey, like I can't pay or can you work with me on something that has helped?

9:24

It's the little things now.

It's because the reality is, when it comes to my therapy and my healing, I don't know what it's going to look like.

I know that it's going to be.

9:40

It's really hard to find closure when you're looking for somebody that's missing.

And I can live with that.

I've lived with that for 15 years now, you know, So let me work on the little things, the little things that can help me in other aspects of my life.

10:03

You know, be more assertive, putting myself first because it's something that I've never done.

You know, I'm doing what I need to do for me, and that's like, that's a huge step for me.

10:24

But anyways, yeah, my parents, my mom and my dad are coming in tomorrow night, Friday.

Oh man, Friday the 13th.

I'm really excited to see them.

My son's birthday is on Saturday and we're going to be visiting my aunts and she's in Orange County and we'll stay with her a few days because her place is a little bit bigger than mine.

10:53

It's really hard to host people in A2 Bed 1 bath and I think we'll be doing my mom wanted to do a a whale watch and maybe Legoland for my son.

And I think that might be it, you know, just keeping it cool, keeping it cash.

11:13

And maybe if I find the time and if my mom, you know, feels like chatting with you guys, maybe I can get her on here so she can give you an update on how she's feeling and what she's been up to.

So we'll see.

11:30

We'll see how that goes.

Maybe, maybe, guys, maybe I can get a, I don't know, get something of my dad.

I don't think I've ever introduced you to my dad on here, especially because he's never listened to this and on Tic Tac or any of my socials.

11:48

So let's see what happens.

But yeah, so I think that's all I got for this week.

Just keeping you up to date, keeping you in the loop.

12:06

I've been liking these short little episodes.

It's it's been nice.

It's been nice.

Guys.

I like hanging out with you.

Yeah.

So anyways, this has been at therapy Notes session 6.

Session 5

Transcript:

0:01

I am my own worst enemy and that has been a common theme my entire life.

I'll self sabotage.

I'll procrastinate.

I'll make up excuses.

I'll really dive into some ridiculous avoidance behavior.

0:20

I'll dissociate.

I just will do anything to not get something done when I need to get something done.

But on the flip side, sometimes I go too hard and I overwhelm myself and I over complicate things and I just don't give myself the time I need to heal or to rest, recover, to just become, to just allow myself to be a human, to feel things.

0:55

Yesterday I did an interview with this show.

I'll let you know more about it when it comes out.

And it was a 2 hour long interview where I have to well, where I tell my story.

1:12

Well, I tell Sky's story and my story and the mental health aspects of it.

And in order for me to feel OK, like spending two hours very intensely talking about a very difficult subject afterwards, in order to make myself feel normal, I had to then, like, go on a walk.

1:36

I had to go grocery shopping.

I went and got a donut for myself.

I went and did some like, therapy, window shopping.

And then I got my car washed and I vacuumed it.

And this was between.

So the interview was 9:00 AM to 11:00, and then I got all of that done before 2:00 to pick up my son.

2:00

And it's like a race against time, but it's really just a race against myself because of it.

I allowed myself to sit down and reflect upon what I just did.

I'm afraid of what might happen.

2:16

I'm afraid to be with those thoughts and those feelings.

And most of the time, like that kind of behavior that I do is to avoid those feelings.

2:33

So even though, like, I look like I'm doing something and I'm accomplishing my goals, I'm, you know, checking off my checklist, I am completely avoiding my feelings.

I'm completely forgetting about everything that I just did for those two hours, talking about something that is meaningful to me.

2:57

I talk about Sky's disappearance and you know, the the ramifications of all of that, the how the system's broken and like then family dynamics and mental health issues.

That is what I want to talk about.

3:13

That is something that I am passionate about because I know if you guys are listening, then you're listening for a reason.

You're listening because you get this or you relate or you want to understand more about it.

Because I'm doing this as, I don't know, as an experiment, as insight into what this kind of event can do to somebody.

3:40

I don't see it enough.

Like I I did it because I just want to be seen for once.

I want some validity in my life experience and no matter what I do like, I guess I haven't found like the right recipe.

4:01

I guess in order to, you know, reconcile these feelings, you know, it's oh, it's so frustrating.

And today, this morning I make a list and 00 K guys.

4:22

So another thing, a list is very new to me.

I need to give a shout out to Wellbutrin.

Wellbutrin, I think it's working.

I think it is really helping me.

It's helping me focus.

I'm going through and I'm more focused on my daytoday life, on the people around me and I'm feeling a little bit lighter overall.

4:50

I was hitting a slump just a few weeks back where I was really down and and I go through these cycles and I understand it.

I'm, I'm always expecting it, but I like this.

I like where the Wellbutrin is taking me.

5:07

I was a little afraid to take more of a stimulant and I didn't want just a straight like anti depressant.

This is like somewhere in between.

This is so far I think it's pretty good.

Like I've been doing the dishes.

I don't know how you guys are with dishes.

5:24

I have a dishwasher, I don't really like to use it.

I don't ask me why.

I guess I feel like we just don't have enough dishes to make it worth it.

But if there's a sink fluid dishes, I can get through 3/4 of it.

5:40

I can never ever seem to finish all of the dishes.

I get to a point where I look at like the few things, like a few, like pieces of silverware, a cup or two, and I just, I'll walk away.

I literally just walk away.

5:55

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I have been able to finish the dishes, which is a funny thing to be so thrilled about.

But honestly, guys, it is the little things when you're dealing with so much, the little things are my wins, like getting laundry done, getting the grocery shopping done, getting like, you know, just something up off the floor.

6:23

It's it's for me, it's the little wins.

It's the things that have helped me find success because I'm, you know, because when you can't control something that's so uncontrollable, you'll grasp on to anything.

6:47

And that's what I find myself doing.

And I recognize my patterns and I think the recognition and the self-awareness is the first is the best step.

It's the most important step in, like where I'm going.

I'm fully aware that I will never properly grieve my sister's disappearance because I do not have answers.

7:12

I understand that and I know that how it affects me as I go through my life, As I grow and change and have new experiences, it will constantly evolve with me.

7:28

I know that and I'm always trying to be prepared and you can't always be prepared, and I think that's another frustrating part.

But anyways, enough about that.

I have a bit of an update on Sky's case.

7:46

If you listen to last week's episode or saw my TikTok, I talked about getting finally getting a response from the Police Department about the DNA status from Interpol.

8:02

OK guys, so I got an e-mail back and I know the status.

So in the Interpol database of I familia with my parents DNA there are no matches.

8:18

There's no DNA matches in the database.

So honestly I didn't feel much when I heard that I wasn't surprised, but as of today there are no DNA matches for Sky in the Interpol database.

8:40

And then we were also informed in regards to the black notice, which is to check the morgues.

I think we were a little bit confused about how a Black notice works.

So the Black notice will not work in Sky's case because you actually need a body.

8:58

So that is that in regards to the black notice.

And then the new detective that I'm in contact with in Southington informed me that the investigative analyst in Interpol is actually going to be reaching out to Japan For more information to see if there is any movement on their end.

9:22

So that's amazing.

That has always been a struggle for me to get in contact with the Japanese authorities.

It's just such a like a logistical nightmare because if you make a phone call, chances are you're constantly met with somebody who just can't help you, just they don't speak your language.

9:47

And even if you have a translator you like physically need to be there in order to get things done.

So having Interpol reach out is amazing.

I'm very excited about that.

10:04

It's not huge movement, but when you have a missing person for 15 years, anything is movement.

Anything is good news.

Even bad news is good news.

So that is my perspective on that.

10:19

And yeah, I'm pumped.

I'm pumped on something.

I feel like actually this past just 24 hours I've been looking into my files on Sky's case and I am thrilled with the work that I've been putting into it.

10:46

But there's still so many holes.

There's still so much that, so many variables, because Sky isn't here to fill in, fill in the gaps for us, then.

That's OK That's OK.

This is just part of it all.

11:06

Not knowing.

And that's OK.

You know, the not knowing has been a blessing in other aspects of my life.

Not in this.

It never will be.

The not knowing will never get easy, but the not knowing in regards to how you view other things in your life, make things can make things a little easier because you kind of just you have to just go with the flow, you know, lower expectations and just take things as they are, you know.

11:41

And sometimes that's a good a grounding force in my life.

So I think that that might be it for today, a short one.

I like these short ones.

I think it is just enough to connect and enough for me to not be so bogged down by such an intense subject.

12:09

So thank you guys.

This has been therapy.

Notes Session 5.

Session 4

Transcript:

0:01

I've been sad lately.

And I've been feeling like shit, like physically I'm sick and I've been going to therapy every week.

And I've been really like, just.

Pouring it out there, and at one point I dissociated.

0:17

Real.

Bad and the therapist had.

Me, you know, try to ground myself and come back to the present, but this?

You know, when I'm going through, I'm when I'm really doing the work, I feel, I feel it.

0:41

Physically and and it's not just because I also have a four year old who is a Petri dish of.

Bacteria and viruses, I think.

I mean it probably adds to it.

But.

When I'm feeling depressed, I I feel physically sick.

1:01

And you know, it just, God, it's like this doubleedged sword.

Because I'm.

Also trying to be as productive.

As I can, and this is something that we were discussing, is like my need to always have like these goals.

1:19

And accomplishments every day.

And there's really no.

Need for it It's just like this.

Part of my I think.

Obsessive nature with feeling accomplished.

And you know, those things have like these goals have.

Changed.

1:36

Like sometimes it's just making sure laundry's done and the house is clean.

Or that I got like.

You know, 600 calories on my Apple Watch.

It's things like that these days, but like at.

The same time those never feel like enough.

1:53

I feel like I like.

Currently I'm also going through, you know, trying to find some parttime job.

To help me like get.

Out of the.

House and Get Me Out of my head, but also be.

Worth getting out of the house and you know that part of it.

2:14

And I'm also like trying to double down on.

Making this.

Content in hopes that maybe this.

Could help me support myself?

Because I've been putting myself out there for two years just.

For free, just you know, for fun.

But it, you know, it takes its toll.

2:34

And not getting any.

Not getting any job interviews feels like a failure.

And not getting any traction with what I'm doing feels like a failure and today.

2:52

I also sent out an e-mail to the police.

In Southington and I've.

Contacted them several times over the past year.

Just trying.

To get an update on the DNA being submitted to Interpol and I go to the Interpol website.

3:08

And you know, you can't directly contact them in order to have a yellow notice or a.

Notice they it needs to.

Be through another.

You know, police agency and I just.

3:25

Haven't heard anything and I'm just like.

You know, stuck in the case like skies there are just.

So many moments where you feel just so fucking stuck because.

3:42

You're so dependent on something else to happen on somebody else to like.

Step in and help you and take the initiative and I have a hard time asking for help that is.

You know something I deal with?

But when everything kind of feels that way.

4:06

It's just, you know, it puts you in a bad place.

So that's kind of.

Where I'm at.

And then on top of that, I had my therapist.

Messaged me last night saying that she's going to be leaving the.

4:23

And that's, you know, I've been with her for about 5 months now, and that is probably the longest I've had a therapist, One therapist consistently.

That I've been going to weekly and I feel as though we're just.

4:41

Finally getting somewhere, and my response was of course of course, maybe I can follow her somewhere.

Else, but at the same time, you know it's $200.00 a session and the financial strain that's happening.

5:03

I know I'm not alone in this.

I see it all.

Around me like the prices.

Of everything have risen exponentially for no reason.

It just seems like in the past six.

Months or so.

Everything's gotten out of hand and I'm looking at like just doing my grocery shopping at the dollar store these days, I.

5:23

Just I don't understand my son.

Perfect example so my son gets these.

Stonyfield yogurts, and we haven't gotten them in a little bit because sometimes he's.

He doesn't want them but in the.

Beginning before the pandemic and just during the pandemic they were.

5:41

Like 390-9399 for four pouches of yogurt, which already seems.

Like I feel like a.

Lot you know.

But now I went to Target the other day because it's.

The closest thing that actually carries it.

And it's $7.19.

5:57

Cents and I look at the packs of yogurt.

And the shrinkage?

The product shrinkage is also very apparent.

It's very watery.

Like what the fuck is?

Going on like how is this?

OK.

6:12

That is like a 50% increase in price for what, I don't know why we're?

I'm not okay with this and I hope you guys are okay with this too.

I know.

That's just one example, but I'm sure you can also think of several examples.

6:30

In your own life that have just gotten out of hand and when it comes to, you know, my therapy being 2. $100 a week.

You know I was.

I'm coming to a point where I was going to have.

To pause it anyway.

So there was a part.

6:45

Of me that when she sent me that.

Message last night and I'm like, okay, maybe this will make you know a pause on our sessions a little easier to like say and deal with.

And I think that's part of the issue is like we're.

7:01

I know.

I mean me personally.

I'm afraid to.

Speak up sometimes, especially when it's for.

Myself, I don't know why I can do it for other people, but I.

Can't do it for myself and like I am just going into debt for therapy.

7:18

To help myself, but the financial strain is it, it doesn't.

It doesn't make sense.

It doesn't make sense why I do these things to myself.

And why I can't be like, well, I can't do this but.

7:35

To find a cheaper.

Alternative is exhausting.

It's like everywhere I go, everywhere I.

Turned everybody's saying get you know self help do what's best for you but I it's.

7:53

More and more impossible to do.

In what's changing all around us, everybody's prices.

Are going up and everybody's broker than ever.

Anyways, that's what I've been thinking about in the past every.

8:16

I wake up and I have this same like, sad conversation.

With my husband about the current state of things, and if you too.

Are listening to this and you're like, yo, that yes.

This has gotten out of hand.

Then just believe that.

8:34

You're not alone, and if anybody's.

Telling you different they're just gaslighting you because it's.

I think affecting everybody.

I'm not too sure what to do.

About it.

Other than to collectively bitch about it.

8:50

And if we do that enough, maybe something can change, but I don't.

I don't know what the action is because I feel as though.

We've been just.

So demoralized and so overwhelmed with.

Everything else that was just I.

9:05

Understand why nobody has anything left to give.

So what else happened in therapy this week?

I had initially wanted to.

Cancel my session because my husband had been out of town for the whole week.

9:27

And I was with my son and I just.

Doing the just like letting all of my trauma out every session has.

Been making me exhausted and physically sick and I was really tempted to cancel my session.

9:46

This week because I'm like, I've just been with.

My son alone all week and I'm already run down, but I went and we kind of just discussed.

Parenting because I I can't do it.

10:04

I can't do it alone and.

That's kind of hard to admit because.

I want to be there for my son.

In every capacity, but I am just so spent I have.

10:22

Like nothing left to give, he.

Has my love and my attention.

But my patience is thin.

You know I can't.

I'm not strong enough to not always give in to his demands.

10:38

And that's not good for either.

One of us and having my husband away for the week just was a real eye.

Opener for me, because I felt like in the beginning I was better.

10:55

I was.

Better with him but.

I think at every stage with your child.

Growing up and changing, you're going to be challenged, to say the least.

11:16

You're going to be faced?

With, you know.

What you can handle and what you can't.

And I learned that, like, I'm not good on my own.

I need somebody.

To like bounce off of when I don't know the right things to say to him or the right activities to get.

11:38

Him motivated because I struggled with that myself.

You know, when I'm in a funk, like, how do I get myself out of it?

Because I feel like every time it's different.

And so.

When you're actively trying to work on your own mental wellbeing while also in the care of somebody else's, like you're responsible for somebody else's.

12:02

Wellbeing that's challenging.

It's like the biggest challenge I think I've ever faced.

I'm up for it, you know, But it it's been exposing my weaknesses and sometimes that's hard.

12:39

Because even though I'm doing the work.

To try and be better, I'm always inevitably.

Going to be faced with my own.

12:54

Limitations and this is like one of those.

You know, I was.

13:10

Up all night.

Most nights that my husband was gone and I was thinking, I'm like if anything were to happen.

If I wasn't able to.

Pull my weight for some reason.

I would be one of those.

13:27

Moms who would give up custody?

Like I was thinking about that.

And that was hard to say to.

Admit to myself, then maybe I'm not equipped.

That sucks because I.

13:59

Want to be better?

That's all I've ever wanted.

I want to be better.

And I also think I realized that.

14:18

Being alone and I, I was able to see.

Just my lack of community as to where I am.

My husband and I live, you know.

14:36

Without family, without many friends.

Around like near us and we're pretty isolated.

And we've been doing well, well enough, but I don't know if I think it's it just really cements the fact that you can't do it alone.

15:09

And we've been alone.

For a really long time, I've never.

Really found my.

Footing here in Los Angeles.

Los Angeles has so many.

15:25

You know, upsides.

But then the isolation just based on, like the way the city is structured, is it's isolating.

And so many people here are like transient so.

15:42

Even if you.

Make a friend.

They may be gone in a.

So just.

I mean, I've known.

We've been alone, but I've been, but this past week it was really.

16:03

It was really in my face.

And when you're on a journey.

Of.

Trying to make yourself better, trying to deal with.

16:21

All the other things that are going on in your life, it's not good to be alone.

16:50

Yeah, well.

This wasn't exactly where I had this episode planned to go, but sometimes I guess a little.

17:20

A little tangent, I think brings out the honesty that I needed to hear and myself.

And I think maybe that's something I will take with me for the rest of the day.

17:38

And maybe you can too, if we're truly.

Honest with ourselves if we say.

The things that we feel like we shouldn't say aloud, if we actually said them aloud, like what does that mean?

I'm not.

17:56

Too sure yet, but hopefully I think it means I need to change like that's something needs to change.

Well, on that note, this is therapy notes.

18:18

Session 4.

Session 3

Transcript:

0:01

Do you know what's a bummer when you have a plan and this idea and all it takes is execution and follow through?

So I started therapy notes with the intention of doing an episode every week.

0:19

But of course, life happens.

And I was sick the past two weeks, still regaining, you know, my health.

But I just couldn't put out an episode because I really couldn't talk.

0:35

So I'm back for this week.

But what's good is that I did have two therapy sessions and something I wanted to talk about today is I think the polarity in what I'm going through.

0:57

There's a part of me that really wants to tell my story in in terms of Sky Story and I've been doing that.

1:13

I've been doing that with TikTok and the podcast and basically anytime I talk about Sky, because I can't really speak for Sky and her experience because she's not here and I don't know her side of the story.

So I can only tell you mine And I have hopes that in telling you my side of the story it could just brings a little bit more insight into the family dynamic and what Sky's life could have been like as well.

1:46

And in doing that, you know, I do have to tell a little bit about Sky and Sky's disappearance, but ultimately that does take its toll.

And I talk about this all the time.

2:03

And I it's kind of the opposite of what I'm doing because I would love to just kind of give up and relinquish the hold that Skies situation has on me.

2:23

And I know that in doing so, that will give me some power back in my own life.

But there's so much guilt there.

And, you know, it takes a lot to admit that.

I mean, it's been 15 years and you know, on most days I understand the realities of it, that this guy is most likely gone.

2:50

I still want answers, but I'm also aware that I may not get these answers.

So in saying that I would like to move on with my life is pretty huge.

3:07

It's it.

And that's where the polarity comes in, because it's completely opposite.

And what I'm actually doing in in talking about it, but I also feel like talking about it and doing it on my terms gives me back some power, but then it keeps me trapped.

3:45

You know what I'm getting at?

I can't completely shed this.

And I know this this is like a part of me, but I know that it doesn't need to identify me.

And I guess that's kind of what Therapy Notes is going to be.

4:07

It's going to be a messy explanation of what it really is like living with I'm missing person and the effects that it really has on you, because it's not easy to rectify.

4:27

I can't relinquish the control and the hold that it has on me, but I need to in ways I I know we all compartmentalize our lives.

4:43

We have family, we have work, we have our social and like there are healthy boundaries that we need to put on these things.

But when you haven't a situation where you're not allowed to properly grieve because there's no closure, I don't have a body for Sky.

5:04

I don't have the luxury, I guess, of declaring her dead, because once you declare her dad, the case is closed, there's no more resources available.

5:21

But also there's really no resources available to me now, even with the case open.

And that's that's where the problem is.

5:39

Because you're in limbo, you can understand both sides, but like then where do you reside, you know?

5:57

And for 15 years it's really been in limbo.

I bounce back and forth between two polar opposite realities without without the luxury of letting myself really buckle down and pursue something that I want.

6:27

I never have allowed myself the luxury of really diving into something for me.

I felt that I've taken Skye's disappearance as you know the hand that I've been dealt and I had to play this hand.

6:48

And we all have circumstances in our lives where you just have to get through it and you have to make the best of it.

And sometimes you can make opportunities out of something truly terrible.

I don't know if this is an opportunity.

7:08

It's not a a career path and I've been trying to make it something that's a bit more, you know, what's that word I'm looking for something you can, you know, a bit more digestible I guess in talking about it, finding the words it has helped me.

7:42

But in therapy just yesterday I was really confronted with how do you bring these two polar opposite sides of like what you want to do with something of your life and how do you bring it together?

8:00

How do you bridge it in a way where you can live with it and live with it without the constraints of being in between these two completely different objectives?

8:18

So I want to talk about Sky.

I want people to know Sky story.

I want to educate about the realities of what this event can do to somebody and how to change the systems.

8:37

But at the same time, I want to walk away.

And how does one do that?

I don't know.

I think that's something I'm going to have to circle back to when I figure out how how to do that.

8:58

And I think a lot of us have that.

It doesn't have to be this extreme.

It could just be, you know, deciding on changing a new career or moving to a new place, wanting something, but also knowing who you are as a person and how to change who you are.

9:21

I think that's the first step is knowing yourself.

And I'm so aware.

I think I'm so aware of who I am and who I am in this situation.

9:40

And but I also know that no matter how much how aware I think I am in my personality and my habits, I'm always learning more.

So this is a good example.

I've always worked.

9:55

I've always worked really hard.

But I needed to make some changes in my life.

And I have been unemployed from like an actual real job of real like 9 to 5 for two years because I was going to.

10:12

I became a stay at home mom during COVID.

And it was a really good thing for me.

And I was like, you know what?

I'm going to have so much time.

So yeah, I think you see where this is going.

I have so much time.

10:28

I have so many things on my To Do List and I'm going to get them all done.

I'm going to tackle it all.

But what I realized was that I went into the situation still being me and expecting a different outcome.

10:49

I am the ultimate procrastinator.

I have unfinished projects all over the place.

I have grand ideas and zero follow through.

So I've always wanted to write a book about Sky Situation and the disappearance because I used to really love writing.

11:12

And I and I use as as an excuse that if I could write, then that's reclaiming a part of me that's reclaiming a passion and that's me putting Sky.

That's also putting me, the sky story, out in the world.

And that's, that'd be the ultimate achievement.

11:33

And the reality is, I'm still the ultimate procrastinator.

I'm still going to Daydream and think of grand ideas and never execute them.

And in two years, I'm still that person.

11:54

Yeah, I have my podcast transcripts that I've printed out and I have a notebook full of it's 300 plus pages of my life and my story.

And I look at it and I'm like, someday.

12:11

But the truth is like, I need to find a way to work with who I actually am, to work with who I'm working against.

Nature, you know?

And I'm also working with the worst coworker, and that's myself.

12:33

I am so hard on myself.

I am fucking brutal.

I'm brutal in a way that I would never be to anybody else but myself, and that's something that I thought I wouldn't have to space when I had all of this time.

12:58

But the truth is, I'm still me, even given opportunities of having some time off and having the resources to do something like this.

So write a book.

I'm still me and I can't.

13:18

I can't be mad at myself for that.

I need.

And The thing is like when you are trying to grow and learn about yourself and make improvements, it takes time.

It takes a really long time.

13:36

But you can change I've realized like you can.

You can take steps and it's a really long process.

Like I think discovering who you are and allowing new experiences and new stages in your life to develop gives you better insight as to who you are and who you are.

14:05

Also in when you're faced with really difficult situations, I Sky's situation has changed me and I think for the better.

I've learned I grew up so much faster in that situation.

14:24

I saw real human nature in that situation.

I saw how everybody reacts when faced in a time of crisis and most people aren't good.

14:44

So if you're in a situation where you're just like, I thought, I would thrive in this, just know that most people won't and you're not alone.

And as long as you realize that, I think within yourself, that's like the first step.

15:03

That's the biggest step.

And with every new discovery, you have to learn a new way to navigate the change and the growth.

It's never the same.

I keep make taking the same steps and like in changing, but it's different.

15:29

It's different with every stage of your life.

It's different with every event.

I am now learning and understanding why I can't execute and it's the way my mind works.

15:46

I was diagnosed with a DHD at 40 and it's something I always knew I had, but it was so hard for people to also see that because I had always made adjustments to overcome.

16:03

But as I got older, the adjustments don't work the same and I needed help.

I needed help in a different way.

But there's hope.

There's always hope and I'm hoping that with this new challenge, with bridging the polarity in what I want out of my life and finding a way to live with that, not necessarily overcome it, because I also understand that it is very much a part of me.

16:43

But how to live with it, how to thrive and how to find opportunities in really dark places, that's the next challenge.

That's been the challenge.

But it's also, it's now that I recognize it for what it is now that I recognize me better for who I am with every new development, That's when the real work begins.

17:10

And I'm really excited about that.

I'm really excited and I think that's it.

I think that's it for today.

17:28

It's just therapy, notes Session 3.

Session 2

Transcript:

0:01

I used.

To throw up whenever I was overwhelmed with anxiety.

But when that was happening, I didn't have the words for what anxiety?

Was I was 3 or 4?

It started when I was.

In nursery school.

At the YMCA didn't like being around people there.

0:21

Was a pool in the YMCA and once a week we would go.

Swimming and I was.

Terrified of swimming, so, especially those days.

I was prone to throwing up, to disrupting the class, to causing a scene.

0:42

Scenes of tiny children disgusted with me, frustrated teachers and.

A lot of emptiness because nobody seemed to know.

0:58

What to do with me?

Was it for attention?

Was it to be disruptive?

But I would sit and cry.

I would just sit and cry.

I remember.

This one instance, and I brought this up in therapy when we were creating the trauma timeline for EMDR I talked about.

1:20

Must have been a Friday, a swim day and we had to.

Go down the stairs to the swimming pool.

And I just couldn't take it.

I couldn't take it.

The feeling of the anxiety of being so overwhelmed was so it just it was.

1:40

All consuming that while we.

As a class lined up to go down the stairs, I threw up all over the stairs.

It was a tile lined staircase, small, narrow.

1:57

Only, you know, single file line down, in and out, just no space.

And I remember the screams from the other kids when the smell of vomit hit hit them.

2:14

And I remember sitting on the.

Stairs and crying, and I remember being yelled at by the teachers frustrated.

With this scenario that had played out again and again.

It's going to take long after that for the teachers.

2:31

To speak with my mom about my behavior about these.

Issues and instead of being comforted, I was removed from preschool.

I actually have a friend to this day.

Who was in preschool with me?

2:47

Who remembers this?

Because she remembers her, like, being traumatized by that whole.

But what she also?

What lets me know is that the.

Teachers were mean, she remembers.

Being pushed and pulled on and hugged at by these teachers whenever the kids weren't agreeable.

3:07

And what do you expect?

3:00 and 4:00 year olds to listen, do you expect?

That it's funny because now I'm a mother of myself and I have a four year old and I have these flashbacks of when I.

3:27

Bring him to school and he's not.

And I can tell he just doesn't want to go.

He just doesn't want to do it that day.

And I try not to see me and him because I know that we're different and he's his own person.

But there are times I can't separate that.

3:43

Feeling, and I leave upset because he wasn't that.

Agreeable going in.

But I do know that we're different.

We're not the same people.

My son is the most social person I have ever met and has forced me in against my better judgment to be more social for his benefit too.

4:12

But I remember telling my therapist this story.

And her acknowledging her, letting me know that it wasn't my fault, that there should.

Have been an adult there.

4:28

To let me know that it was okay.

But I went a good actually.

I'd say the majority of my life with these.

Feelings, being overwhelmed, being nauseous, constant.

4:46

Tunnel vision just.

Overwhelmed with everything in second grade, I cried.

Every day.

Most days I cried every day.

And I had to teach her.

Send me to the nurse, because I was a.

I would go to the nurse and I would sit there until I felt a.

5:05

Little bit better.

Sometimes she would let me call my mom, and my mom would, you know, talk me off of this ledge that this sad. 2nd grader constantly.

Was looking over and I would wait until I felt a little bit better and I don't know exactly what.

5:24

Was triggering these feelings.

I just.

Couldn't control them.

I couldn't focus well in class.

I couldn't understand how to.

Communicate and play with my peers I've had.

5:43

Few friendships over the years.

And when I hold on, When I make a friendship, I hold on.

I hold on too tight because the effort that.

Goes into making a friendship.

Takes so much out of me and The thing is I.

6:00

Never saw My parents have friends I remember in high school.

Just being frustrated with my situation and I went to my mom and I'm like, I just need new friends.

Like how do I make new friends?

And making friends in school didn't seem possible at that point.

6:17

Not when you're, you know, 1415.

It's like the clicks were already.

Made the groups were already.

Set and there was no crossing lines and my mom was just said, well you just go make friends.

My dad offered nothing and I left.

6:36

More frustrated than going into that question, so to this day I still have.

Those same friends, which is such a privilege at this point to have friends that.

6:54

Span your entire life.

And if it wasn't for them, it's such a.

A huge distinction that I see.

When I look at my brother's life, or what Sky's life was like, like I held on tight to the people.

7:17

That knew me best.

My brother and sister never.

Formed such friendships never later in life Sky.

I found some friends in college and I'm sure they meant the world to her.

7:40

It was.

The first time I remember seeing her open up and grow there was a good.

An unprompted smile that was just on her face whenever I saw her, but I also.

8:02

Don't know how well they knew her.

I don't know how well she knew herself.

I wish.

She was around so we could talk about our childhood, so I can.

8:22

Better understand.

You know what she was feeling?

What?

She needed and what wasn't provided to her.

Because I know that my parents did the best that they could, but there were.

8:49

Emotional needs that just were not met and something I want to make clear is that when I went and have been going to therapy and.

Trying to get help, I don't place blame.

On anybody.

9:06

You can have a duality.

You can be angry with certain aspects of your life.

And the people that.

Were there or not there, you can be angry about that, but you can also still love them.

9:23

You.

Can and have to live with.

That kind of duality, it can be both.

I don't understand the need or the desire to be labeled.

To fit into certain categories or, you know, labels.

9:43

It just it leaves you pretty shallow.

If I'm in my opinion because there's depth.

To relationships and some will grow, some will deepen, and some will fade.

10:03

And there will be if you have somebody that is with you.

For years, relationships.

All relationships will go through.

Different phases and it's expected.

10:21

And you can't be mad when people grow and when people need to change, so going back.

To my issues early on with extreme anxiety and the physical feeling of, you know, needing to throw up and the tunnel vision, the unfocused behavior.

10:54

When I talked about this in EMD, RI actually scored this, probably higher and Skye's disappearance.

I scored it.

At like an 8 and I think about it all.

11:11

The time, but I've given it space because you need to, even if you don't understand entirely why you felt that.

11:34

Way and what was going on, because I can't really place what would make me have felt that way as a three-year old.

But I remember the feelings that I remember the intensity.

That intensity has never left me, but that fear was so.

11:56

Consuming more so than anything else, but as I.

Went through school, I had adopted methods basically due to.

12:12

The shame of that kind of behavior, of the crying, of the throwing up, just because I.

Couldn't not be afraid.

I learned to control it.

And I learned to.

12:31

Blend in and hide and fade away.

I did really good in school.

Once I figured out how.

I did really.

To work within the system, I would go into class.

I would see homework written on the board and that's what I would do.

12:50

I would take the time that was given to me in class and look ahead.

Read ahead.

Look to the back of the chapter.

Read all the.

Questions that were being asked of me and then I knew where to how, knew how and where to find the answers you look for bold.

13:09

Word, words and bold and you look for keywords and phrases.

I would take snapshots of in my mind of what the pages.

Were and how the?

Books were formatted and I.

13:30

Never missed a homework assignment, but the truth is I also never listened in class.

I was able to pass all the tests because I understood.

The format and the formula and I competed with myself and I would reward myself with an A and if I didn't get an A that would be fine, but I would figure.

13:53

Out a way to get an, A and I'd figure out.

And I would use that feeling of success and then pair it with a successful.

Day that I didn't cry and I used that same emotion and I learned how to self soothe and cope.

14:10

I learned this early on.

It was probably 3rd or 4th grade.

When I learned how to.

I guess gamify school and I did really good because I taught myself.

But unfortunately, what this did, what this did Learning how to just skirt.

14:38

The rules and work within the system or kind of beat it, you you force yourself to just kind of fade away.

Because you're doing good, you're not disrupting the class.

14:57

You're you look like you're smart, and maybe it is smart.

I don't know.

I think the verdict's still out, but it helped.

15:17

Me change.

My focus shifted off of how.

I was feeling constantly and it gave me purpose to see where.

I was going, but the truth is, it was.

An avoidance tactic I still felt that way.

15:33

I still felt overwhelmed with.

Anxiety when things were shifted.

When something came up that was unexpected, sometimes the unexpected and the chaos was a place where I thrived.

Because I was on, I could focus.

15:49

But when things we're shifted.

Just slightly not in a way that I wanted.

It caused the.

Disruption and the anxiety flooded in.

But I learned.

16:08

I learned to cope with that and I would cry sometimes in.

Secret when I was overwhelmed, careful not to let teachers or other.

Students know because I just.

Didn't want to focus on me.

16:23

I didn't want that feeling amplified.

I was in control and I had to be.

The one to make it better because.

I already knew that nobody else was going to be there for me the way that I needed, I learned.

That early on as.

16:40

A three-year old in preschool and something that I think about a lot too, being a mom.

And going through those experiences and having really, really intense, unregulated feelings at that age.

I'm very careful of.

17:00

How I approach my own son.

Because if I can remember what happened to me as a child, I know he's fully aware of what's happening to him now.

And I trust him.

I trust him in a way that I wish somebody trusted me.

17:24

I think that's the best I can do.

You trust and you give space to the people you love.

You let them feel and you let them be, and you encourage them to speak to you, you.

Teach them the words that they need to know but you hold.

17:44

Back when they're not ready either.

17:56

So as I discussed this preschool.

Situation with my therapist.

She had me meditate on it, had me picture myself as a child, as that child.

18:13

And then also me as an adult and what I would do for that child.

Had I been there and we spent time there, we.

Sat in it.

18:31

And I felt those feelings again, but with all the time that has passed and all the other experiences that I have.

Lived through, I was able to focus.

18:53

And gain control and take that little girl out of that situation.

19:10

Eventually.

When we talked about the level.

Of the intensity of the feelings that I felt.

In that moment, with me as a little girl on the stairs throwing up, being scared to swim, being scared of everything, I was asked how I felt about it after.

19:36

Sitting in it after.

Letting those feelings wash over me and absorbing it and crying about it.

And then I gave it a three because it it's never not going to be gone.

19:59

Every feeling has to have an origin story, and I'm still learning the origins of some of my my feelings.

20:16

But I learned that I could help myself.

I learned that I could.

Help a younger version of myself too, and that helped.

I can't control or change the past.

20:35

Or the intensity in which I felt all of my feelings and fears.

But I can live with them, and I will live with them because it's me and there's nothing wrong with that.

21:19

This is therapy, notes Session 2.

Session 1

Transcript:

0:01

Hey, OK, Are you ready?

I finally figured out where I want to take Surviving Sky.

As many of you know, my sister Sky has been missing for about 15 years.

She took a Oneway ticket to Japan and we've never seen her again.

0:19

And it's been 15 years and there really hasn't been any movement.

And talking about her again and again.

While it does get her story out there, it does slowly take its toll on me as it has for the past 15 years.

0:39

So like the name Surviving Sky, I have been surviving and so I'm going to shift directions a little bit because this has always been more than just a missing person.

0:58

There is so many other people that have been affected and I am ready to actually break down my story and I've been trying to figure out the best way to do it that isn't going to be too taxing on me.

That isn't going to be too traumatizing.

1:15

And I figured, hey, let's throw that out the window and make it really traumatizing because that's how you make change and that's how you progress and maybe grow.

Or maybe this will be a terrible idea and maybe it will send me spiraling.

1:35

I don't know.

I mean, I've tried so many other things.

Why not be as transparent as possible?

So I'm kind of switching things up and I am going to talk to you about my journey in healing, mainly therapy.

1:53

I'm a I like to believe that therapy works, but with complicated grief and a constant misdiagnosis of various mood disorders.

2:09

Because of this type of grief, therapy has not been fun for me.

It's been good and it's been really, really bad.

So what I'm going to do, I'm going to do this unedited.

2:26

I'm not taking any time to edit out anything that I probably shouldn't say, and I'm not going to edit out any of the ums or the likes or the pauses.

This is just going to be a very raw candid session, a therapy session if you will, of me recounting my sessions in therapy from sessions that I remember in the past and sessions that I'm actively going through.

2:56

So I'm currently in trauma therapy and I'm trying out EMDR&EMDR.

Basically it's this, you know, honestly I'd probably have to look it up to give you the proper definition.

But basically what we're doing in these sessions is creating a trauma timeline.

3:15

Now I'm going into it thinking that my only traumas are Sky's disappearance because growing up and just like a lower middle class area, everybody looked like me.

So obviously nothing really stood out as, you know, out of the ordinary.

3:36

But while going through therapy, I do.

And just in general life and you know, growing up, moving away and having a family of my own, I have realized that maybe maybe there are certain aspects of my childhood that need some looking into.

3:58

So basically in therapy now I am creating a trauma timeline and I have, I've been going for a few months and you start from the beginning.

You start from like your earliest memory.

So, So what you do, OK, you find something that has upset you, something that has, you know, been lingering in the back of your head because a lot of times things that happen in your childhood, you know, they kind of linger with you and they shape you and how and and make you who and what you are today.

4:40

Not all forms of therapy believe this, but with this, you know, I am diving into my childhood and trying to make, I don't know, some reconciliation with certain events that I will, you know, inevitably tell you about.

5:02

But for a long time, I've, you know, pushed them away or disregarded them as just just, you know, it just was what my family was.

So basically you talk about these events, you rate them, you know, from how disturbing they are to you on a scale of 1 to 10.

5:30

And then basically once you're done creating this trauma timeline, you go through from the beginning and you sit in them, you visualize yourself as the child in the event and how it makes you feel.

5:46

And you sit with those thoughts you first try to, you know, create a safe space and a way to take yourself out of that darkness if you need to.

So we established all that and you kind of go from there.

6:04

What?

I guess.

So anyways, I'm going to get to that in a little bit.

Oh, this is probably when I should pause and really reevaluate what I'm about to get myself into.

6:29

But you know what?

I'm going to just jump back before I even started this trauma therapy and talk about the first, the first therapist I ever saw.

My parents were called into my school, my high school at this time because the teacher thought I was having some difficulties.

6:56

I didn't think so.

I thought I was doing just fine.

And anyways, at the recommendation of this teacher, my parents got me a therapist.

And this therapist was lovely.

7:12

I was like, oh, therapy is good.

I was 16 at the time and this therapist created such a nice and comforting safe space for me.

And you know, we talked about just what 16 year olds are going through.

7:28

So it didn't really amount to much and I didn't feel too comfortable revealing too much, but I knew that I was just frustrated with where I was and frustrated with just feeling alone, just so very alone.

7:46

And you know, we talked about it and it was like the first time I felt really seen and validated and how I was feeling that maybe, you know, maybe people weren't looking out for me.

And yeah, not a bad experience, but it didn't take long for, you know, the preapproved therapy sessions to run out.

8:16

And then that was that.

And I was back to just feeling completely alone and something that I have to make note of.

I always had been sent to the in school counselor or therapist, like every year at some point by a teacher or somebody that was concerned about me.

8:41

But nothing was ever followed up with no further testing was done or anything like that.

I did good in school.

For the most part.

I was smart, but when I look back at it now, what I realize is that my first years I was very disruptive.

9:02

Very, very disruptive.

But I wasn't.

You know what they would call like hyperactive or anything like that?

It wasn't a DD, because in those days I was specifically told that girls do not have a DHD.

That's not possible.

What what my behaviors were were just crying.

9:21

I cried every single day.

I cried every single day until they sent me to the nurse's office, where I just sat there and cracked and I was ashamed.

For this behavior, I had a teacher give me a sticker.

This was in second grade.

I had a teacher give me a sticker every day that I didn't cry, but the overwhelming feeling of just being what I would now call like anxious was so, so just like ever consuming.

9:54

That is my baseline.

That has been my baseline for the past 40 years.

That's all I've ever known.

Even I.

This goes back even further.

In preschool.

My reaction to this overwhelming feeling was to throw up.

10:12

And I threw up every single day.

I threw up when there was a change in the events of like, you know, the preschool curriculum, I guess the agenda for the day.

And I threw up to a point where they kicked me out of preschool.

10:32

But nothing was ever addressed about this.

And I had felt this way for years until I learned how to shut it down because of the shame and the embarrassment I felt.

I dealt with all these feelings up until and through high school, just being nervous and overwhelmed and not being able to, like, just get comfortable and focus on anything.

11:01

But what had helped me early on is somebody told me how the system worked.

It was just, this is how you pass, and I learned how to pass.

I learned that I didn't have to pay attention in class at all, and I didn't.

11:17

I saw what the homework was when you would walk into class, I it was written on the board and then I would do it.

That's what I would do in the class time, during lectures or whatnot.

I would do all the homework.

So I always had homework done.

11:33

I never did homework at home.

I only did it in the class period.

I knew exactly how to find answers.

I knew how textbooks were laid out.

I knew the formulas of, you know, how questions were asked and how to answer them.

11:49

I perfected it.

I made it into a game and I had to win.

So I did really good in school.

So if somebody asked me if a therapist asked me, because over the years they always ask you how did you do in school?

And I said with pride, I did fucking great.

12:09

I was really good at school.

I won school, but I would.

What I neglected to tell them is that it was done through a series of manipulations, because I understood how the system works, and it wasn't about what you knew, it was about how you passed.

12:26

And I could pass, no problems asked, you know.

But what that did for me was sabotage me from getting a proper diagnosis early on because my emotional dysregulation was masked, because I was forced to mask, because nobody wants a crying girl in their class, because it's kind of disruptive and it kind of puts everybody in a sour mood.

12:57

So that's what I did, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

So over the years, that kind of behavior, what I did to help me in my current situation made me backslide for years and getting a proper diagnosis.

13:21

Because I also didn't recognize what the problems were.

I thought I was fixing them and I wasn't.

And The thing is, even if I come back to present day trying to get an ADHD diagnosis in your, you know, late 30s and 40s, it's fucking difficult.

13:47

Because the first thing they ask you is how did you do, how did you do in school?

I had a survey sent to me asking me to send somebody who knew me before the age of 12 who could adequately and accurately assess how I did in school.

14:04

And the first thing I thought was, wait, I don't have anybody for that.

And I actually reached out to my mom.

And many of you know, if you've listened to my podcast before, seen my Tic Tacs.

My mom's great, but my mom does have her shortcomings and her faults.

14:26

And I knew my mom did not know what I was going through at that at that stage.

So when I asked her to take this survey for me, she was honest in a very in, in a way that I needed.

14:42

And she was like, I can't answer this for you because I was not paying attention to you at that time.

And this was validating and also kind of excruciating because what I had experienced growing up with tremendous emotional neglect and it's not necessarily, I don't ever want to go into therapy and just place blame on others because I am very aware that everybody has their limitations and everybody is also confined to what are, you know, our society and our systems have built for us to live in.

15:28

We have walls where there shouldn't be walls.

And my mom and my dad don't emotionally have the capability to provide emotional support for anyone.

15:47

They just don't.

So it was a neglect that some would say borderlines abuse.

Sorry mom.

16:08

And it's different today because now I have the words for it.

As a child, I didn't have the words, and I have the ability to communicate to my parents as needed.

16:24

But it doesn't negate the upbringing and the the emotional support.

That was not meeting my needs.

So my mom, in other words, admitted that she could not fill out an ADHD evaluation for me, even being, you know, almost 30 years ago.

16:54

She knew that she couldn't because she wasn't aware of what was really going on.

There were other things happening in the house.

You know, my brother was going through such a tough time with getting his learning disability diagnosed as well and his behaviors under control.

17:19

They were not under control.

They were just not.

They couldn't figure them out, you know.

And so I saw this and took things as I I took it as a sign to just become as self-sufficient as possible.

So I wasn't.

17:35

I didn't cause a problem.

I didn't cause anything unnecessary at that time.

Later years, you know, we we all had her rebellion stage I suppose.

But anyways, my mom agreed to fill out this diagnosis but really couldn't fill out the survey but really couldn't do it to the best of the ability.

18:01

And the only other person I could think of was to send it to my friend who knew me that who was, you know, same age as me going through the same stuff, obviously unaware.

And I find it really funny that when you're trying to get a diagnosis like this, when you're trying to get your just your life figured out, that the requirements still are how you did in school.

18:29

I'm now 40 years old.

Who the fuck cares how I did in school?

That's that stage is over and done with.

The fact that I can't finish a task in my house and I put every I never close doors.

18:46

I put everything on ledges that are going to fall off.

I just complete, I never complete a task.

I just, I walk away.

I walk away.

I forget appointments.

My life is fine because I've this is how I've always lived.

19:03

But maybe it isn't how I need to live.

So when I'm actually looking for help, why are the the things that the doctors look for?

Shit that happens like 40 fucking years ago?

19:20

Like what is that?

So Needless to say, I saw a psychiatrist that saw me for about 15 minutes over Zoom and he told me it sounds like because I cried all the time as a kid that it sounds like just a mood disorder.

19:42

And what doesn't help me in those moments is my utter frustration and my anger.

My anger just turns into tears, so I sit for the last three minutes of the Zoom call in tears, which is further cements his view that I have a mood disorder.

20:08

And you know what?

He didn't even ask me about Sky's disappearance.

He only asked me about how I did in school.

So I told this is another thing with therapy.

20:31

So my trauma therapist is out of network.

I found them on my own because going through my insurance, it was about six months of waiting, and that six months of waiting still resulted in getting misdiagnosed.

20:52

And The thing is, what was funny is that getting this diagnosis is not something I sought out to do.

I knew I actually have known for years what is going on with me.

But I can't seem to convince any medical professional about this because they only see you for like 5 minutes and it just it's it's inadequate care.

21:20

It's irresponsible.

So what prompted this referral to get an ADHD diagnosis is I went to the doctor because I had a spot in my eye that I needed fixed.

21:42

And I wanted to also find a doctor, a dermatologist, that I can do a skin assessment because I'm in the sun a lot.

And it was during disappointment where she must have been picking up what I was putting down.

And she was like, have you ever been diagnosed with a DHD?

22:00

And I was like, oh, OK, you see me.

And I'm like, no, but, you know, everybody in my family is on the spectrum.

And I have all of these symptoms.

So I'm pretty sure I do have this.

But nobody's ever been properly been able to properly diagnose me.

22:19

Because obviously I was told as a kid that girls don't have a DHD.

And by the time I started going into therapy and pursuing it full time was when I was going through Sky's disappearance and I got the PTSD diagnosis.

22:37

So I was like I was telling them all of that.

She sent in the referral and they told me it's a mood disorder but not he was just like I don't know which one.

He admitted he didn't know which one.

22:55

So when I so all of this is in network, but then I go to my out of network trauma therapist and she was just like, oh, I already thought you were diagnosed with a DHD.

Do you know what I'm thinking right now?

Which is really funny because I don't have any of this written down and I may be talking in circles.

23:15

So you may be very aware of this unmedicated ADHD in your ear right now, but my trauma therapist was telling me she was like, she had already assumed that I had this and that I had the diagnosis.

23:32

I was just, I guess choosing to be unmedicated or something because she's just like, yeah, you have a HD so but The thing is, right now it's really hard to get actual medication for it.

23:52

Not just because there's a shortage, but because like my primary care cannot does not feel comfortable prescribing A stimulant without a psychiatrist actually signing off on it.

And since the psychiatrist and network won't sign off on it, she then also has to put in for a second referral to get a second opinion, which may take another six months to get.

24:24

So if therapy doesn't, I mean the process of getting therapy fucking needs me to get therapy.

You know, it's a fucking struggle.

24:41

It's a struggle to want to get help.

It's like with any systems.

Because I was actually, I had some.

This is me going off on a tangent.

I had some paperwork come home from my son's school and it was talking about community resources.

24:58

And I'm looking at like food banks in the area because I don't know about you guys, but everybody is hit.

So I just want to know what's out there and what my options are.

And it's like food banks are only open on Wednesdays, you know, at like times that aren't that convenient.

25:22

And it's just like, it's just if further reinforces that our social safety Nets have been stripped to a point where they're no longer in existence.

And when you find yourself at the bottom, that's when you realize that there's like nothing there and you're on your own.

25:46

And that has been something that I've been seeing like just stripped away from our medical systems because there's no advocacy work.

And if you have to advocate for yourself and nobody wants to listen to you.

26:06

And I get it from both sides because I've worked in the medical field and they're fucking tired on the other side as as well and they don't understand why people looking for help can't get help.

26:22

And it's just it's also such a class divide because many people in higher positions such as doctors are doctors because of opportunity, because of money that they've had.

So they do not understand a many systems that everybody else lives within and it's just a frustrating place to be and nobody's making any changes because everybody's hands seem to be tied by the systems that we live in.

26:54

And I know I'm speaking kind of vaguely, but I'm hoping you're picking up what I'm putting down because it just it's too exhausting to get into and I think that's part of the design.

It just exhausts people until they give up.

And yeah, I mean, I don't know about you, but I can definitely sit and scroll on social media and just dissociate and just wait for the next day to begin because I'm so tired.

27:20

I'm so tired.

This feels good.

It feels good to talk about it.

So I think that's that's where I'm going to end it.

27:42

I don't know how long each of these episodes are going to be.

I'm just going to kind of go with the flow.

I'm not even going to listen to this right now, guys.

I'm just going to post it.

That's how I don't know how bold it feels.

So just talk about my life, I guess.

28:03

And I guess if you have any questions, send me some messages over at Surviving Sky at Gmail.

If anybody can relate, let me know.

If I'm just talking in circles, please also let me know.

28:19

Please, you can point out when I start to lose focus.

I don't mind, but I hope that you find some comfort in my journey and the vulnerability that I'm putting out there.

28:36

And if even nobody listens to this, this still feels good for me.

So I'm going to see where this takes me.

So thank you for joining me and this new Ave.

I'm going down.

This is surviving Sky Therapy, notes Session One.