Session 17
Transcript:
0:01
Today is February 16th and it has started.
And what I mean by it has started.
It is getting close to Sky's birthday.
Sky's birthday is on February 22nd and typically every year around her birthday until, honestly, around April 1st when Sky actually went missing.
0:32
I go into this, this darker place, I guess even if I'm not aware.
It just it just happens.
It's like the body knows.
I noticed that a few days ago I was just.
0:51
I was just feeling fucking rotten and nothing was going on.
Like, I feel like there's good things in the horizon, stressful things, but good things.
But no matter what happens, like my body knows.
1:10
It knows it's like on a it.
It's on a certain schedule.
And every year, every year, guys, for the past, since, you know, 2000, it happened in 2008, it started 2009.
1:31
You know where I just go through this depressive cycle.
I'm doing my best.
I'm doing pretty good considering compared to other years, because it's.
I'm aware, I know.
But no matter how much you know about yourself and your situation, and no matter where you are in your healing or you know your grief journey, you're going to have moments like this.
2:00
You will.
I don't think that is ever really explained to people enough.
When you go through either a trauma or a loss, I do believe over time you can kind of get on top of it.
2:16
It's not a heal that you're not healing.
The wound is still there.
It will always be there.
It is forever a part of you, but it is with experience and self-awareness that you can kind of tackle it better in the future.
2:31
And I think that's what essentially what that means when it's people say time heals all wounds, well no, it doesn't fucking heal shit.
Just as long as you're being proactive in bettering yourself and becoming more aware, that's what that means.
2:53
It's time will help you grow.
Time allows you to self reflect and you have to, you have to do it.
You do.
If you're not doing it, you will forever be a prisoner to that grief 100%.
3:15
I don't think you can get out of that without time and self reflection and just being a little bit proactive, because no matter where you are, when you're, you know, quote UN quote, healing, the trauma evolves with you, the pain evolves.
3:37
It takes on a different shape.
So I remember as a kid having anxiety attacks pretty regularly, and at that time, you know, late 80s, early 90s, 'cause it started when I was fucking young.
There wasn't a name for it.
Nobody had a name for like, oh, you're having anxiety attack?
3:54
But I had anxiety attacks on the regular, OK?
And they felt a very particular way.
It, like, manifested in my body.
It kept me small.
It was overwhelming.
I had crying fits.
I couldn't talk.
4:11
It was all of that.
But as I got older, they changed.
You know, 'cause as you, when you get older, you know, you're growing, you're learning, you're changing.
Therefore the thing that is your affliction also does the same thing.
4:28
It grows with you.
So today, you know, as a 40 year old woman, I still have anxiety attacks, but they don't feel the same way.
They manifest in different ways and I've done my due diligence in trying to mitigate their effects on my everyday life.
4:48
I've cut out anything that I deem too stressful because life is short and I don't fucking care because I always will have a stress.
My sister's been missing for 15 years, 16 pretty soon.
Yeah, that's enough stress.
5:08
All the other things in life don't matter as much.
You know, if you know, you know.
If you can't allow, OK, so that's another thing.
You have to allow yourself to get to that point, to accept that you know the everyday things that other people may stress about.
5:26
You don't need to stress about those things too, not in the same way.
You have to like start prioritizing things differently and that takes time.
That takes time and experience and aging.
If you are afforded that luxury, and if something silly that you do makes you happy, go go fucking do that silly thing.
5:47
Because it really doesn't matter what anybody else thinks.
It's your journey, it's your healing.
And even though, like, I feel this depressive wave coming through, at least I can call it what it is.
6:04
You know, I will give it its time and its space because grief, like any other emotion, needs to flow through you.
You need to feel it because if you keep avoiding it, that's just going to, like, kill you one day.
6:21
It's just it's fucking stress that you need to deal with.
So you deal with it.
And that's what I'm trying to do.
That's why I'm just talking to you about it.
Because if you're listening, chances are you get it.
6:41
I feel like you guys get it.
And that's why I do this.
And plus, it's nice to just say it out loud, you know, call it what it is.
But there is always this balance that you have to you have to acknowledge, OK, because you don't want to give it too much of your time, because then it can't take over.
7:07
It's everything's a balancing act.
It's life, you know?
It's like if you eat the wrong shit it you're going to get sick, but you can still eat that shit as long as you have a salad with it, you know, It's that kind of thing.
That's a silly analogy.
But you know what I mean?
It's it's hard.
7:25
It's really hard.
And I think it's also hard because a lot of times people don't understand it and you want to explain it to people, but some people just will never understand it because they'll never, they've never been through something that has, you know, a hold on you and trauma, you know, crazy unanswered events and the the what ifs that go along with it.
7:54
You know, they hold a very big part of me, and I know that and I know that.
And I think I'm trying to throw all of this throughout, you know, the beginnings of me being more outspoken about my sister's disappearance.
8:12
And you know, all of that.
I think it has.
It's been really good to just talk about it.
You know, it's been good, and I'm so thankful that people out there resonate with this and understand it.
8:39
I really hope you don't understand it, you know?
But I I really hope more.
Like people don't go through a situation like this because it's fucking awful.
But like, I think even for like the sociological, the anthropological, whatever, like study of the human condition, with me talking about this more like if people are interested in this affliction, I guess that at least I can give some insight, you know, or at least if you understand it, you at least we can commiserate together.
9:18
But yeah, Sky's birthday is coming up.
And when you lose somebody, you know, it's one thing if they're, I think older, you don't want to.
9:37
I mean, I don't want to take away the validity of somebody's feelings when they lose somebody so dear to them, even if they're older, that that's still very, very, very real.
But I think when you have unanswered questions and you just you lose somebody when they're younger and their whole life was ahead of them, it there's another layer to the grief because you didn't let just lose that person, you lost the future as well.
10:14
And within that is all the what ifs that you will have, regardless if you know how they passed or what happened.
There's a layer that will always ache.
10:34
So yeah, I just wanted to say that, you know, I still am waiting on a response from the Southington Police and Interpol in regards to the DNA that Japan needs to run through their system.
11:12
And it's been a few weeks and I'm trying to, I'm trying to be cool with it.
But you know, that's the latest update I have on Sky's case and I just gave you the latest update on my mental state too.
11:30
So I hope everybody's doing good and staying strong and living in the moment and just feeling good.
11:47
You don't have to feel great that's that's that's hard to do but just feel good.
So this has been Therapy Notes Episode 7.
Where Am I At Episode 17?
Is it 17 so far?
My God.
Session 17, my friends.
12:07
Oh, there we go.
You go on in the future.