Session 14

Transcript:

0:01

I have tried to start this episode no less than 30 times.

At this point, I've been sitting on the floor in a hotel room in New York City trying to get something recorded.

I start and then like 5 minutes in I'm like, what am I talking about?

0:20

And maybe that's what I should talk about.

Honestly, I just spent the last like 3 hours roaming the streets of New York, just trying to empty my mind, trying to come down from this time that I've spent here with my family.

0:40

And every time I visit, something inevitably happens.

There's always some sort of chaos.

And I, like I said in the last episode, about three days before I got here, my mom had to put her mom into a senior living facility.

1:01

And if you know my mom, which you know, you guys do, you know, it's a lot, you know what she's like.

So for her to have to make that kind of decision and then to have visitors.

1:16

So me, my husband and my son in her space, and then of course, we all got COVID the first week we're here.

And you know, she still works.

It's a lot, you know, There's been a lot going on, a lot of, and there's good things and like bad things.

1:33

And I I can't seem to even figure out how to explain it all because honestly, it keeps changing.

Like every other day I get new information.

So just a quick overview, since my grandmother moved into a senior living facility, her house is now unoccupied.

2:01

And years ago I had mentioned to my mom and other members of the family that I would be interested in purchasing the house if that day were to ever come.

And if you are a millennial like me or younger and you've never owned a home, then you probably understand the feeling that maybe you'll never own a home unless by some sort of miracle something just works in out in your favor.

2:27

So honestly, guys, I was, I mean, I've also, I've been living in Los Angeles for 10 years.

I I'm very comfortable with never owning a home.

Like I know that it may never happen.

So this idea was presented to me, and then it was taken away.

2:47

And then it was presented again.

And then it was taken away all within, like, you know, several days of just being here and knowing my family, I'm not putting any.

I'm not betting anything.

3:03

I'm just staying, trying to stay neutral and stay as grounded as possible.

Unfortunately though, for my husband, he was getting excited and then sad and then excited and then depressed and then mad and just all of the emotions.

3:19

And I try to reassure him that just hang tight, maybe you'll be OK.

We'll just see.

We can't do anything just yet, but there could be an opportunity to move my family back to Connecticut, and that's a huge decision.

3:42

It's huge.

And it's also moving back to my hometown.

That's where the house is, and that doesn't bother me.

I know that I wouldn't be moving back the same person.

3:59

I don't have the same temperament and demeanor or perspective anymore.

I think moving to Los Angeles a decade ago was the best thing I've ever done.

4:16

When you, you know, live through a traumatic event, you can either face it head on or run away.

And I ran away, but I ran away because, think about it, Sky went missing when I was 24.

4:38

That's like a crazy time to like deal with something so major.

I didn't know who I was.

I don't.

I didn't know what I wanted.

And then to live in the shadow of that, with not knowing, with just being paralyzed with inability, leaving was the best thing for me.

5:03

And so I feel like if I were to move back to Connecticut, I'd move back stronger and different and just better overall.

Like, I can handle anything.

And that's what I feel like at this point in my life.

Like I can handle anything, you know, almost.

5:27

But yeah, that's that's what's been going on.

And then I was all supposed to have a a therapy appointment.

I was actually supposed to be doing it right now, but that was cancelled and I was supposed to actually dive into the if the list, the timeline of Sky's disappearance and really get into that for EMDR.

6:01

But you know what?

That wasn't going to happen anyways because I never made the list.

Because honestly, I just, I feel like when you when there's too much going on, I think the best thing to do is nothing.

6:22

Just kind of like wait until like the tide changes just a bit.

Give yourself some grace.

I think that's what I did today.

And I think that's also why I'm.

I've been frustrated with trying to record something because I feel like, you know, I told myself I do it weekly and it's these expectations that I hold to myself that hurt the most if I don't follow through.

7:01

You know, it hurts if it's not the best.

But you know what?

I never claimed to be perfect.

I actually never tried or strived for it because I don't know, perfection is kind of an illusion, right?

7:21

And since there's been too much going on, I think the best thing to do is nothing and say nothing.

Not until I'm 100% on knowing what is next going forward, right?

7:46

Doesn't that make sense?

Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing.

So I should stop stressing about trying to record something and put something out and just put this out.

I think that's something to consider.

8:06

You know when nothing can be done in the moment.

Just do nothing.

Oh, and I'm done.

I'm done trying to record anything else.

I should be back in Los Angeles next week.

8:28

I should also know more about whether or not I can make this cross country move.

Or maybe I just stay in Los Angeles and figure out my life there.

This Has been Therapy Notes Episode 14