Session 7

Transcript:

0:01

My parents came to visit.

Overall, I would say it was successful.

I think what helped was that they didn't stay with me, not the whole time.

I have an aunt that lives down South and they stayed with her, but so did my family as well.

0:23

So me, my husband and my son.

And I think it was the change of space that helped.

Something I realize is that when they visit me in my space, they can never get comfortable, they never know how to act.

0:43

But somehow they it's overwhelming.

Even though nothing in particular is happening, It's just the presence is overwhelming.

So having a change of scenery for all of us and staying at my aunt's place made it pretty tolerable.

1:08

And I'm not saying a visit from my parents is intolerable.

It just it does.

It's challenging.

It can be challenging.

And something that I notice is that when I go visit them, I visit them in my childhood home.

1:26

I stay in my sister's old bedroom and that that's tough.

And I'm in my parents space and my parents space is very particular.

And something that I find is that when I go back to visit them, no matter how old I get or how separate my life has become from theirs, I revert back to old habits and old patterns of who I was when I was living under their roof.

2:03

And that's stressful.

That's not good for me.

It's not good for my husband.

It's not good for my son to see.

And no matter how many times I go back, it's something I feel like it's getting a little easier to deal with because like honestly, it's just a place to sleep.

2:25

It's, you know, they are more than welcoming and accommodating to our needs.

But it is tough.

It's always tough to go back home, especially when such a huge trauma has happened to the family.

2:46

And I am often a glaring reminder to them of that tragedy, of Sky's disappearance, of them handling it differently than I did.

3:04

And something, something about this trip that their that their visit, it made me realize something I often for years after Sky's disappearance, I had very intense and uncontrollable intrusive thoughts.

3:29

And if you don't know what intrusive thoughts are, sometimes it's it's hard to explain.

Basically it's just like this flood of thoughts and images and feelings that you cannot control.

3:47

You cannot shut it off.

So after my Sky's disappearance, I was flooded with grief, uncontrolled grief, and it was the idea that everybody around me was dead.

4:06

I couldn't control these thoughts and I would have physical reactions to these scenarios that were just made-up in my head.

It was so overwhelming and that went on for maybe two years where I just had so much stress and anxiety from just these thoughts that I just couldn't stop.

4:34

I remember moving out of my parents house after a year after Sky's disappearance and driving was a big trigger.

It was like this lack of control.

If I was in the passenger seat, if I was driving, I had a bit more control.

4:53

But it was this sense of just everything being out of control.

I would violently react.

If another car on the road got too close, I would go and visualize these horrific car crashes that I would, I I would physically react to.

5:20

And it was debilitating.

It was so debilitating.

And it took a long time to kind of get control over that and for them to not play such a role in my everyday life.

5:45

And after moving out of state and moving pretty far away from my home, my childhood home, I had definitely got more control over that, to the point where most days over the past several years now, I don't have that.

6:04

I don't have that loss of control of my own thoughts, but I know what triggers it now and unfortunately it's my parents.

I don't know if it's just the stress of them around or or just, you know, I I I guess I can't pinpoint that.

6:34

But the pattern that I've seen over the years when I visit them or when they visit me, is the emergence of the intrusive thoughts where I if my son gets too close to a window, I go through a complete visualization of something terrible happening and I'm reacting to it.

6:57

When I was driving my parents to the airport to drop them off, there was a car that felt a little too close on the passenger side where I was like, are they in my blind spot?

And all I kept thinking, and what I was trying not to react to was somebody was going to pull up my dad in the passenger seat next to me, someone who's going to pull up and just shoot him in the head, just shoot us all in the head.

7:25

And I am going through the thoughts of how, how do I drive through an accident like this?

I'm seeing the median to the left of me and I'm like, how do I survive this?

7:43

And and we went on a whale watch and I'm next to my mom.

My dad didn't go on this with us, 'cause he's really sensitive to motion sickness.

But the horrors that I'm like reacting to in my head about, I mean I I think most people might be terrified of the ocean going so far off the coast.

8:13

But the things that I am feeling, it's so overwhelming.

Like I don't even want to get into all of the scenarios that go through my head when they're around.

It's it's upsetting.

8:32

It's very upsetting for me.

And you know what it was?

It was the that last thought that I was reacting to in the car on the way to the airport to drop them off when I realized I'm like, I haven't had these thoughts in a long time and I haven't I I mean, I guess the last time I had them was the last time I saw them.

9:00

And I think it's, I think it's all part of the process of when you have a traumatic event, it never leaves you.

You know, I think it takes, it may take a lifetime for me to understand fully the depth and the complexity that it has had on my my mind and my feelings and all of that.

9:30

And I I am I, I suppose, at a point where I've come to terms with it.

It doesn't mean it goes away.

It just means I'm better prepared.

And I'm aware of the origins, which is helpful in its own right.

9:50

But there is a duality again with any kind of trauma, where I love my parents, I do.

I want to see them, but I know what I'm going to be feeling every time I do.

10:09

And I do also believe that it will get better with time, no matter how.

I mean, it's going to take a lifetime.

Let's let's be real.

I think I don't.

There's no quick fix.

I don't think there's any fix to a trauma.

10:26

When the damage is done, it's done.

It changes you and you as that person have to come to terms with it.

You have to accept the new you, or else you'll never you'll never be OK.

10:47

You have to accept that things have changed and will never go back.

I think the only time it does go back is when you revisit your childhood home and relive the traumas.

But like, you'll never be who you were before it.

11:05

So I think that's, you know, in a weird way, I'm looking at it as a success.

And it was a successful visit.

And it it it's successful in the fact that I learned something else, that I figured something else out.

11:25

So that next time I visit them, I'm ready, I'm ready for it.

And I think that's great.

I think it's a win.

It's a fucking win.

OK, so other than that, the trip was good.

11:44

It was good.

We went to Legoland, my son turned 5.

All is good and more good news guys.

I had said it on TikTok, but during my parents visit I did receive an e-mail from a detective in Southington who is now on the case and he had informed me about this new process called FIG.

12:11

It's forensic investigative genealogy.

Oh no, genealogy something.

But basically what I now know a little bit more about it.

It is the process, it's the work in checking out and uploading the DNA into databases like jedmatch.

12:34

And there is another one, the name is escaping me.

I should be more prepared with this guys, right?

But basically it's just another database for the family DNA to be uploaded to so that there is a new Ave. to check for DNA profiles and matches like potential matches that you know may help us in Skye's case and that is a win that is I'm so I'm pumped about that and I have uploaded my DNA to Jed match.

13:15

I did that a while ago but my parents, they're gonna now do they have to get 23andMe?

And then we can upload more info and let the detective know.

As you know I hope you know I've stated in the last podcast and on TikTok that the Interpol results were back from Ifamilia and there had been no DNA matches to Sky.

13:45

So again, any news is good news, and I'm thankful for that.

What else?

I think that might be it, guys.

Another short episode, which is good 'cause I talk about some like, fucked up shit here.

14:05

It's good to keep it short.

Makes me feel good.

I feel great sharing this because, yeah, just knowing that my listeners take an interest in Skye's case and my healing journey, I guess it means the world to me.

14:31

I have had an outpouring of support lately.

I had recently done a video with Unfiltered Stories and you can find that on Facebook and YouTube.

You might be somewhere else and that has reached a whole new audience.

14:49

So if you guys are new here from seeing that video, welcome.

I am so happy to have you here.

And I'm so happy to share this story of Sky's Sky's story and my story and my family's story it.

15:08

I just want to open this up to a larger audience.

Because in this journey I've realized that there's so many other people out there who who have similar events, who have been through similar events and have similar feelings.

15:28

And the people that have reached out to me like I feel like they I feel seen and I feel they they're they feel seen and it's been it's been so good.

15:44

It has been so, so good.

So let me not ramble on anymore.

Just know that I I appreciate each and everyone of you and this has been therapy, notes Session 7.