Session 3

Transcript:

0:01

Do you know what's a bummer when you have a plan and this idea and all it takes is execution and follow through?

So I started therapy notes with the intention of doing an episode every week.

0:19

But of course, life happens.

And I was sick the past two weeks, still regaining, you know, my health.

But I just couldn't put out an episode because I really couldn't talk.

0:35

So I'm back for this week.

But what's good is that I did have two therapy sessions and something I wanted to talk about today is I think the polarity in what I'm going through.

0:57

There's a part of me that really wants to tell my story in in terms of Sky Story and I've been doing that.

1:13

I've been doing that with TikTok and the podcast and basically anytime I talk about Sky, because I can't really speak for Sky and her experience because she's not here and I don't know her side of the story.

So I can only tell you mine And I have hopes that in telling you my side of the story it could just brings a little bit more insight into the family dynamic and what Sky's life could have been like as well.

1:46

And in doing that, you know, I do have to tell a little bit about Sky and Sky's disappearance, but ultimately that does take its toll.

And I talk about this all the time.

2:03

And I it's kind of the opposite of what I'm doing because I would love to just kind of give up and relinquish the hold that Skies situation has on me.

2:23

And I know that in doing so, that will give me some power back in my own life.

But there's so much guilt there.

And, you know, it takes a lot to admit that.

I mean, it's been 15 years and you know, on most days I understand the realities of it, that this guy is most likely gone.

2:50

I still want answers, but I'm also aware that I may not get these answers.

So in saying that I would like to move on with my life is pretty huge.

3:07

It's it.

And that's where the polarity comes in, because it's completely opposite.

And what I'm actually doing in in talking about it, but I also feel like talking about it and doing it on my terms gives me back some power, but then it keeps me trapped.

3:45

You know what I'm getting at?

I can't completely shed this.

And I know this this is like a part of me, but I know that it doesn't need to identify me.

And I guess that's kind of what Therapy Notes is going to be.

4:07

It's going to be a messy explanation of what it really is like living with I'm missing person and the effects that it really has on you, because it's not easy to rectify.

4:27

I can't relinquish the control and the hold that it has on me, but I need to in ways I I know we all compartmentalize our lives.

4:43

We have family, we have work, we have our social and like there are healthy boundaries that we need to put on these things.

But when you haven't a situation where you're not allowed to properly grieve because there's no closure, I don't have a body for Sky.

5:04

I don't have the luxury, I guess, of declaring her dead, because once you declare her dad, the case is closed, there's no more resources available.

5:21

But also there's really no resources available to me now, even with the case open.

And that's that's where the problem is.

5:39

Because you're in limbo, you can understand both sides, but like then where do you reside, you know?

5:57

And for 15 years it's really been in limbo.

I bounce back and forth between two polar opposite realities without without the luxury of letting myself really buckle down and pursue something that I want.

6:27

I never have allowed myself the luxury of really diving into something for me.

I felt that I've taken Skye's disappearance as you know the hand that I've been dealt and I had to play this hand.

6:48

And we all have circumstances in our lives where you just have to get through it and you have to make the best of it.

And sometimes you can make opportunities out of something truly terrible.

I don't know if this is an opportunity.

7:08

It's not a a career path and I've been trying to make it something that's a bit more, you know, what's that word I'm looking for something you can, you know, a bit more digestible I guess in talking about it, finding the words it has helped me.

7:42

But in therapy just yesterday I was really confronted with how do you bring these two polar opposite sides of like what you want to do with something of your life and how do you bring it together?

8:00

How do you bridge it in a way where you can live with it and live with it without the constraints of being in between these two completely different objectives?

8:18

So I want to talk about Sky.

I want people to know Sky story.

I want to educate about the realities of what this event can do to somebody and how to change the systems.

8:37

But at the same time, I want to walk away.

And how does one do that?

I don't know.

I think that's something I'm going to have to circle back to when I figure out how how to do that.

8:58

And I think a lot of us have that.

It doesn't have to be this extreme.

It could just be, you know, deciding on changing a new career or moving to a new place, wanting something, but also knowing who you are as a person and how to change who you are.

9:21

I think that's the first step is knowing yourself.

And I'm so aware.

I think I'm so aware of who I am and who I am in this situation.

9:40

And but I also know that no matter how much how aware I think I am in my personality and my habits, I'm always learning more.

So this is a good example.

I've always worked.

9:55

I've always worked really hard.

But I needed to make some changes in my life.

And I have been unemployed from like an actual real job of real like 9 to 5 for two years because I was going to.

10:12

I became a stay at home mom during COVID.

And it was a really good thing for me.

And I was like, you know what?

I'm going to have so much time.

So yeah, I think you see where this is going.

I have so much time.

10:28

I have so many things on my To Do List and I'm going to get them all done.

I'm going to tackle it all.

But what I realized was that I went into the situation still being me and expecting a different outcome.

10:49

I am the ultimate procrastinator.

I have unfinished projects all over the place.

I have grand ideas and zero follow through.

So I've always wanted to write a book about Sky Situation and the disappearance because I used to really love writing.

11:12

And I and I use as as an excuse that if I could write, then that's reclaiming a part of me that's reclaiming a passion and that's me putting Sky.

That's also putting me, the sky story, out in the world.

And that's, that'd be the ultimate achievement.

11:33

And the reality is, I'm still the ultimate procrastinator.

I'm still going to Daydream and think of grand ideas and never execute them.

And in two years, I'm still that person.

11:54

Yeah, I have my podcast transcripts that I've printed out and I have a notebook full of it's 300 plus pages of my life and my story.

And I look at it and I'm like, someday.

12:11

But the truth is like, I need to find a way to work with who I actually am, to work with who I'm working against.

Nature, you know?

And I'm also working with the worst coworker, and that's myself.

12:33

I am so hard on myself.

I am fucking brutal.

I'm brutal in a way that I would never be to anybody else but myself, and that's something that I thought I wouldn't have to space when I had all of this time.

12:58

But the truth is, I'm still me, even given opportunities of having some time off and having the resources to do something like this.

So write a book.

I'm still me and I can't.

13:18

I can't be mad at myself for that.

I need.

And The thing is like when you are trying to grow and learn about yourself and make improvements, it takes time.

It takes a really long time.

13:36

But you can change I've realized like you can.

You can take steps and it's a really long process.

Like I think discovering who you are and allowing new experiences and new stages in your life to develop gives you better insight as to who you are and who you are.

14:05

Also in when you're faced with really difficult situations, I Sky's situation has changed me and I think for the better.

I've learned I grew up so much faster in that situation.

14:24

I saw real human nature in that situation.

I saw how everybody reacts when faced in a time of crisis and most people aren't good.

14:44

So if you're in a situation where you're just like, I thought, I would thrive in this, just know that most people won't and you're not alone.

And as long as you realize that, I think within yourself, that's like the first step.

15:03

That's the biggest step.

And with every new discovery, you have to learn a new way to navigate the change and the growth.

It's never the same.

I keep make taking the same steps and like in changing, but it's different.

15:29

It's different with every stage of your life.

It's different with every event.

I am now learning and understanding why I can't execute and it's the way my mind works.

15:46

I was diagnosed with a DHD at 40 and it's something I always knew I had, but it was so hard for people to also see that because I had always made adjustments to overcome.

16:03

But as I got older, the adjustments don't work the same and I needed help.

I needed help in a different way.

But there's hope.

There's always hope and I'm hoping that with this new challenge, with bridging the polarity in what I want out of my life and finding a way to live with that, not necessarily overcome it, because I also understand that it is very much a part of me.

16:43

But how to live with it, how to thrive and how to find opportunities in really dark places, that's the next challenge.

That's been the challenge.

But it's also, it's now that I recognize it for what it is now that I recognize me better for who I am with every new development, That's when the real work begins.

17:10

And I'm really excited about that.

I'm really excited and I think that's it.

I think that's it for today.

17:28

It's just therapy, notes Session 3.