Session 11
Transcript:
0:01
I'm not one to answer my phone, and it's not because I'm a millennial.
It's a habit I got into years ago because I just don't like talking on the phone.
It gives me anxiety.
I don't know when to speak because I can't see you.
FaceTime or text is my current preferred method.
0:19
So as I was sitting in the parking garage yesterday right before my therapy appointment, I saw that I had a missed call and a voicemail and it was from the Southington Police Department.
Voicemail letting me know that they have new information and they have to ask me a few questions.
0:40
And this is right before like 5 minutes before my therapy appointment and I figured, well this is good.
This is probably where I need to be and most of the time when I get a phone call from the Southington police I feel OK.
0:58
It doesn't really elicit much of A reaction, but for some reason I was stricken with so much anxiety and most of the time I would have just waited till after the appointment because I don't like being late to things.
1:15
I don't like things, I don't like things to be rushed.
So having to take a phone call or call somebody back with only 5 minutes before I have to do something else just makes me a little anxious.
But there was something about the voicemail where I knew I just had to call.
1:36
So I called.
I called when I got into the lobby of the building and the officer answered and then he told me let me call you back in five.
Great, great. 5 minutes before my therapy appointment and I have to wait 5 minutes for a phone call from the police.
1:58
So I sat anxiously waiting for both the therapist and the police officer to call and the therapy.
The therapist got to me first, which was probably a good thing that she brought me into the office And I told her I was like, I am going to have to take a call because the Southington police called And she was like, oh of course, of course.
2:23
Obviously I didn't have to explain too much.
She already knows she knows too much.
So it was only two minutes into our therapy session when I received a phone call from the Southington Police Department.
He quickly, you know, apologized, said he had like 5 things going on at once, and he then let me know that he got an update from Interpol.
2:49
Interpol had contacted Japan looking For more information.
So in the Interpol database, there was no DNA match for the family DNA.
Nothing that my parents had submitted had matched to any remains that were in the Interpol database and the news like that is good.
3:14
You know, any news at this point is good news.
But what we found out is that Japan uses a different method for their DNA and the DNA that we submitted is not compatible to their methodology.
3:35
Cool.
Would have been nice to know this.
So they had replied back to Interpol, letting them know that the DNA that was submitted will not be able to be used in their database and could not check further into their own records.
4:01
So Interpol had asked again what needs to be done and Japan replied with they need to come to Japan to submit the DNA.
This information was relayed to the police officer in Southington, and that officer had called the Connecticut State lab, wondering if there was a way to take the DNA that was in the Connecticut State lab and change it to accommodate the methodology that they use in Japan to match DNA.
4:41
It was beyond that person's scope, so she informed the police officer that she would look into that.
The police officer had suggested that my mother could easily go down to the Southington Police Department to submit DNA in whatever methodology that Japan needed, and then it could be shipped out.
5:07
But they need clarification on that, clarification on if you can submit DNA that way, if they would accept that, or if we have to go to Japan.
5:26
So he told me all of this information as I sat on the couch in my therapist office and I was excited and scared and nervous and just all of the feelings, I guess, that you would feel when given this kind of information.
5:46
Because The thing is, I've been wanting to go to Japan.
My family's been wanting to go to Japan, but we always felt like there's just needed to be something else to ensure that taking a trip there would be the we would make the best use, have time and money spent.
6:12
We want to be efficient and effective in going there, not just to like retrace steps, but to get the work done, to leave with knowing that we could have done everything that we did, everything that we could in our power.
6:37
And I was excited at that notion that this was one.
This was the the thing that could bring us there, where we could submit the DNA and get the police records because we would be there.
6:53
There would be no excuse for them not to hand these things over.
And I talked through it with my therapist.
And I also prepared to speak with my mom about this, to let her know that, hey, maybe let's look at plane tickets and it feels like what I found, actually what I found funny, was the assumption that, like, from the police officer as to why couldn't we just collect the DNA here and send it over.
7:46
It just felt like the how do I put this?
I guess I'll just say it.
It felt like a very arrogant American thing to say, not because I think he's wrong, but because Japan also holds a lot of power.
8:10
And just because we assume that, hey, why can't we do it this way doesn't mean this other entity would agree.
And it's something that I found true in dealing and having like an international missing persons case is that just because things work one way here and we assume that things could work that way, it doesn't make it universal.
8:39
It really doesn't.
And it humbles you.
And so when he said that, there was like laughter in my head.
And I'm like, oh, oh, if only, if only you knew.
And it was in that moment where I was like, oh, we're going to have to go.
8:58
It's that's what it's going to be.
But I don't know yet.
And the last correspondence that I had with the detective was about a month ago.
So I don't know when I'll get another reply about this.
9:20
And it's just one of those things that I'm going to have to sit with and wonder about and and try to plan logistically in my head, Like, when could this, when could I go?
Or is it just an easy thing for my mom to go down to the Police Department and submit some DNA?
9:43
This is kind of a perfect example of what it's like to just not know how to navigate a system, because there are no systems that can accommodate a case like this.
It's all like, you know, mismatched puzzle pieces and all of them are flipped upside down and you don't know what goes where and nobody does.
10:08
Even the people that you think would know, they don't know.
And that's just the reality of it.
So another thing, when I got home, I told my husband and he was like, OK, let's figure out when we're going to go.
10:30
And then I was like, well, let me talk to my mom.
So I FaceTime my mom.
And as I was telling her, it hit me.
This guy went missing 15 years ago, 2008.
10:49
I was 24 at the time.
I'm currently 40.
My mom was well, let me do the math.
My mom was 5555.
11:09
How is that right?
How did so much time go by?
But 55 is a lot different than 70.
And I've seen my mom come to travel and visit me, and I know long flights don't agree with her.
11:30
And it dawned on me that this either needs to be done as soon as possible before she gets even older because of long flight.
Like that isn't kind on an on somebody's body.
And not just the flight, but it's the stress of the situation and the weird things it will do to you.
11:53
And I remember, I remember my mom in Japan.
Shell shocked, is a fair description of how of how she acted.
She tried her best to hold it together, but there was a dis a dissociated state that came over her, a numbness that shielded her, and a speech impediment that silenced her.
12:26
And couple that with 15 years and open-ended grief.
I saw a nervousness in her when I told her.
And The thing is, last year she renewed her passport along with my dad getting a passport for the first time.
12:45
Because I told him that this was this day was going to come where we're going to go back.
But I think the reality of it hit a little different.
So if we need to go back, we need to do it sooner than later.
13:07
There's a part of me that wants to go as soon as possible and might be disappointed that if it's getting a submitting ADNA sample in Southington, if that's efficient and good enough, I'd be kind of let down because I want to go, I need to go.
13:34
And it was funny as I sat in therapy and I was going over all the different scenarios that could come from this situation.
My therapist was like, normally, I don't suggest for anyone to go back willingly to a place that had caused so much trauma, but in this case, I think it's necessary and I couldn't agree more.
14:06
It's something I need to do 100%, and that's for me.
I don't know if it's something my mom needs to do, you know, I don't know if that would be good for her.
14:23
Not in the same way that it would be good for me.
And that's a funny thing about this complicated grief and the trauma and the what it, I mean what it does to you, it changes you.
14:49
My mom is not the same person that she was 15 years ago.
She is not at all.
She's not the person that raised me.
I don't know if she knows that.
15:10
I can tell, but I'm sure I'm sure she can.
I don't recognize her as the same person.
But you know what?
15:30
You know what?
I don't think she'd hesitate to go, even if it hurt her in some way, but I just wouldn't want her to do it just for me at this point.
15:54
I hope that she would know that she would do it for her to know, to know what really happened, to know that she's strong enough to face it head on.
16:15
So yeah, that was this week.
That was yesterday.
This episode's a little bit sooner because I needed to get that off my chest.
Yeah.
16:37
So there's an update, I think the most substantial update that we've had yet, an update that that gives us some kind of movement to check, some boxes off to make to make this all worth it.
17:06
This has been therapy, notes Session 11.