Session 13
Transcript:
0:01
So correct me if I'm wrong, but we all got COVID for the holidays, right?
Like everyone, everywhere, Everything cancelled, right?
It wasn't just me.
So that's where I'm at.
We actually traveled to Connecticut for the holidays this year, and as soon as we landed, we all got COVID.
0:27
So for an entire week we stayed at my parents house, just ping ponging COVID germs back and forth to one another.
Needless to say the trip has been a success.
Currently I am not at my parents house.
0:47
We needed a break from that space.
So I am able to actually just sit and think for a second and take a time to actually do this.
And this is funny because it's a week I needed to do a therapy session.
1:07
And obviously because of travel, things come up and I had a virtual session scheduled and I was sick and she was sick.
So things have fallen through the cracks and what a week, what a week it has been.
And it's not just COVID.
1:23
It's traveling.
It's staying with my parents, staying in my Sister Sky's bedroom while we stay at my parents, and then also my mother's mother.
1:38
My grandmother was just moved into a convalescent home.
And all of this happened, like, literally within a week.
It's been a lot.
And also just dealing with being back in my hometown, being back in the home that I grew up in and trying my hardest not to shift into old habits.
2:11
And it's hard.
My husband pointed out to me that I was quickly shifting back into old habits.
And he's like, you're not old Megan anymore.
You you don't need to do this.
And he was trying to give me an example, mainly that I don't know how to talk with my dad.
2:31
And it's not that I don't know how to talk with my dad.
I do.
I can.
It's just that I don't want to anymore.
I'm done.
I don't want to put effort into it.
The thing is, I haven't lived with my parents in over 15 plus years.
2:50
I left just not long after Sky went missing because Sky's disappearance created an entirely new family.
3:06
It was the family dynamic shifted.
Things changed in a way that is so hard to put into words other than to say it was destructive and toxic and consuming.
And it would have if I stayed.
3:23
It would have torn me apart.
It tore me apart like enough just to stay in the state.
It's so all consuming.
When you go through a trauma, A tragedy that you cannot resolve, it does something to you.
3:47
And it changed the house I grew up in.
It changed the dynamic because it changed the people so profoundly that live there that everything else transforms to.
4:03
It's grotesque in a way.
Everything in there just takes up so much space that it consumes you.
The things my dad does.
He I swear I'm not exaggerating.
4:19
He has been in a recliner for the past 15 years and to describe the noise that comes out of the television would be just to say it's like a sporting event that's just non-stop.
It's so much noise that the noise takes up space.
4:41
There's no place to go in there.
There's no place to hide.
You're constantly bombarded with just chaos and being over stimulated and overwhelmed.
And for him, it's probably to drown out his trauma and his pain because he's never, he's never done anything about it, never.
5:08
So to be in that space, it's you.
I'm a feeling I'm physically drowning in on dry land.
It's intense.
5:26
And actually since we're not staying there tonight, when we got into the new space that we're at right now, my husband's like, do you feel that?
Do you feel lighter?
Do you feel like you can breathe?
He's like, it's haunted.
5:43
I'm convinced your parents house is haunted.
I don't know by just ghosts.
I don't know if Sky came back and put a curse on the House, but it's definitely haunted by just the unresolved trauma of what my family has gone through.
6:07
And it's crazy.
It's crazy and it's also the holidays.
So you may be wondering, how does one celebrate or acknowledge a missing person?
You know, I'll tell you how we do it.
6:25
We don't.
It's insane.
Nobody talks about it.
And even my mom, knowing that, like, recently getting the news that we may have to go to Japan to give DNA, my mom was so overwhelmed by what's been happening, rightly rightfully so, that she's like, let's talk about Japan after after the holidays.
6:58
And I was like, that's totally fine.
I understand, like everything feels crazy right now.
We're all sick.
We're just, it's been rough.
And so actually yesterday my mom and I spoke about going to Japan and she addressed her concerns.
7:23
And honestly, I don't know if she can go to Japan like physically.
And it's not only the emotional and mental stress of it.
I don't know she's ready to do that, but physically she's 70 years old.
7:45
It's like a 15 hour flight.
She has bad hips.
It's so it's like a physical thing that I'm honestly concerned about.
So best case scenario, we can do the DNA in Connecticut and they could ship it to Japan.
8:01
And then in April, I'm going to go to Japan with my family and we're going to tackle whatever needs to be tackled then.
Because the reality is my mom is terrified.
And she also admitted that she hadn't said a word to my dad about it because she's terrified of it.
8:27
Do you understand that guys?
My mom is terrified to bring up the idea her a desire that she doesn't want to go to Japan, but to bring it up to my dad because my dad will fight her on it.
8:47
My dad, the father of Sky.
This is like the energy that we're dealing with somebody who's never resolved.
And she's, she was terrified in also the sense that the finances, how is it going to be covered And she's like, are you going to do a GoFundMe?
9:07
And I was like, once we know what we're working with, I was like, yes, I will do that.
And honestly, guys, it'd be the only way my mom would go because my dad would tell her that she can't go because of the money.
He would essentially just break her down and she would give in just to not hear it.
9:33
You guys are hearing this right?
This is crazy.
And like when she was telling me that she was hesitant and I know she was keeping things out because she knows I will not react well.
9:50
So probably what my dad really thinks.
Because like though I talk about this openly, my dad has never listened to the any of my podcast.
He's never seen a TikTok.
He doesn't seen anything I put on YouTube, Instagram, wherever any of the articles that I have talked about Sky's disappearance and never he refuses.
10:11
Flat out refuses.
And my mom had once tried to tell him, hey, don't do this.
Like maybe you don't want to do this for Sky, but your other daughter's still here and she still needs you and he still refuses.
10:29
Isn't that crazy?
Isn't that crazy?
And The thing is, I only I know that he only does this because of the amount of pain he's in and just flat out refuses to deal with it.
And because of that it affects everything in the house.
10:50
Everything.
Side note, I know I talk about the energy of the house, but while my husband was getting ready one morning in my sister's room, after taking a shower, he watches the door open.
11:16
There's no wind, there's no windows open.
The bedroom door just opens as wide as can be, and he's just watching it.
And he's like, what?
What is that?
And as he's changing, there's a chair like in a corner in that room, and he swears he thought it was me that walked in the room and sat in the chair because he was convinced he saw somebody sitting there.
11:44
And you know how, like sometimes you see something in your peripherals and you, you know, nothing's really there.
But man, in that moment, he became a hundred 100% convinced that the house is haunted.
12:11
And you know what it is?
It's haunted by something.
And it wouldn't surprise me if Sky is there in a way.
I mean, she is there.
She is.
12:28
She's there in in the lack of acknowledgement and the lack of things said between the remaining family members.
She's there.
When my mom and I whisper about it, she's always there.
12:46
She's been there and I think she's just clawing at the walls to get out.
She's clawing at my dad to face the realities.
So that's the holidays.
13:09
That's the holidays when somebody goes missing, you know, for a family that can't talk about it.
And I feel like that's why I double down so hard.
I haven't posted as much in the past few weeks, obviously because of travel and sickness.
13:31
But man, this next year, 2024, yo, my friends, we're going to Japan.
I'm sick.
I'm sick of it.
We're going.
I'm going to figure out the logistics and it's going to be a fucking healing adventure whether or not my mom can go.
13:57
I'm going and I'm taking you with me.
I hope you know that, guys.
I'm not doing this alone.
My husband will come with me.
I'm still debating on whether to bring my 5 year old.
But you're definitely coming with me.
All of you, everybody out there that listens, You're coming with me.
14:17
We're doing this together.
We're going to get answers.
We're going to get some healing.
I don't know about closure, but like, we're going to do some shit.
I'm excited about that because I can't do this.
I can't keep coming back to my parents house and seeing this pain.
14:38
I can't fucking do it anymore.
So this is what we're doing for next year.
I'm excited.
We're going to figure this out.
I will all, I will keep you all in the loop.
And yeah, here's to like 2023.
14:56
It's been a pretty fucking solid year, you know, But things are going to be changing.
I need to make big moves.
I'm happy to share them all with you when they happen.
15:16
And I need to see my therapist.
So until then, this has been therapy, Notes Session 13, Lucky 13.
15:31
Here we go.
Yes.