Session 16
Transcript:
0:03
I've been with my current therapist for about 8-9 months now and it's been the best therapy experience that I've had in my, I don't know, 1520 plus years of going to therapy.
And that says a lot.
0:19
That says that you're if you're embarking on a therapy experience, it's going to be rough.
It's going to be very, very rough because a lot of times you just, you go into it with these expectations that you're going to get better and chances are you're just not going to like the process or the environment.
0:43
The vibes might be off and you just don't mesh well with the therapist in question, you know.
So it's a very discouraging process, and if you're really looking for help, it can really make it worse because the process is not easy.
1:00
It's very time consuming and it's exhausting.
It's exhausting on levels that just aren't explained to you in the beginning when you start, you know, looking into therapy.
So I'm seeing a trauma therapist.
1:16
I haven't really talked about the EMDR process in a minute because what I find is that I really just like my therapist.
I feel like it's a friend and even if in the future like I like have to move, I would honestly make her make us have an appointment like at least once a month telehealth or something just to chat with her.
1:43
And I think that I know that there should be like boundaries and lines within like a therapist and patient situation, but it it doesn't hurt if you actually like them as a person.
2:02
I think that is something you really need to consider when choosing a therapist.
Sometimes it's good to have somebody kind of challenge you and a friend should challenge you, but not in a way that makes you feel like shit.
2:24
And I feel as though with all the therapists that I've been been to, most of them made me feel like shit, like something was wrong with me or the situation where they just weren't actually asking the right questions.
2:42
And it does take time to build the relationship.
And I don't think that is ever really explained to you that this is going to be a relationship.
It's pretty much one sided because you are you know, paying them and they should listen.
3:00
But it is also good to have a back and forth and to know a little bit more about them.
I mean that's how I connect with people anyways and it's just something I don't know to think about if you are looking for a therapist.
3:18
So I talk about that because we should be doing, should be doing EMDR in my sessions.
But a lot of times we just end up just chatting and I find that to be really helpful at this point.
3:35
But we are trying to construct this different kind of timeline in order to proceed with the EMDR sessions.
But with having a missing person be your, you know, trauma and have it being unresolved.
3:52
It does complicate the trauma timeline because a lot of times in these sessions or what you're going to therapy for maybe like a singular event or events that have like transpired already, but they are in the past and they're not.
4:09
I mean they make they're haunting you in some way or another, but it isn't like an ongoing unresolved thing.
So basically when you're creating your trauma timeline, you're all you're creating these events, you have this visualization of the events and you're put rating it on a scale of like zero that like you're unaffected by it or like a 10 where it's just it paralyzes you just like the fucking thought of it.
4:38
So in my situation, since it's still ongoing, it's kind of like we're creating this unconventional timeline of what is like the first image that comes to mind in regards to Sky's disappearance.
4:57
And for me, I think it's not the first moment that we realized Sky went missing.
It's when we came back from Japan and I realized I have to get back to my life and everybody else is moving on, and I guess I have to as well.
5:21
And I think that is probably one of the most traumatic things about it.
I could always go into, you know, how, you know, the laws and the systems that we were dealing with it with and the lack of help and lack of information is traumatic.
5:40
But that's like a whole system of things.
I think it's like the emotional realization that everybody's moving on, so you have to as well.
And when you can't, you are seeing yourself now as a burden to other people.
5:59
You are affecting their mood because like you could just can't fucking get over it.
And a lot of times that's how I felt like people just wanted me to get over it, to move on, that it wasn't worth the time and energy.
And that whole thing is fucking traumatic because nobody knows.
6:22
You don't know what a situation like that is like unless you're going through it.
Like, I can't explain it to you.
I'm telling you with words, but like, the actual feeling of what it does to you is insane.
6:38
It's just it's crazy.
So that is like one moment in my timeline and then you have to kind of like put like a feeling towards it.
And for that, that to me is just like utter helplessness like I am.
6:57
I have a total loss of control because I can't get over this and I can't have other people, like I can't have them be in the same, like, mental state as me because that's not good for them, that's not good for anybody.
7:13
And I can't tell them to not move on with their lives.
But I'm like, why am I being left behind?
Why?
Why?
Why don't I have answers?
And why doesn't anybody else feel the same way?
So it's just like this loss of control.
7:32
I think another event that comes to mind, it's kind of like this dual event where I broke down.
It was a year after sky went missing approximately, and I was just in such a fucked up blaze.
7:53
I was like taking medications.
I was trying to like get myself figured out.
I was like over overworked because I just threw myself into something that was just going to distract me.
I wasn't like really facing the problems.
I and I think that's what happen a lot when going to therapy.
8:10
It's just like we're not going to face these problems because you can't solve them, so let's just medicate and like keep yourself occupied.
And that was a fucked up thing to do.
It just wasn't going to work for me.
So I remember I was going into work and I was like, I can't fucking do this.
8:26
I can't fucking take another day of just like people just going about their lives.
Like I just couldn't do it.
And I remember going to one of the directors at my job and I'm like, I'm going up to the hospital, I'm checking myself in.
8:42
So peace, like you got to cover my shifts.
And she was like, oh, OK, 'cause I was working.
I this was with the Red Cross and I was working there while during Sky's disappearance and everything.
So it's like they understood, but I checked myself into a hospital and I was there on like suicide watch.
9:05
And I think it was also there when I was on suicide watch.
I was in a room with like two other women that were also on suicide watch.
And like, we all connected.
We all connected in this really amazing way that I couldn't get anywhere else because these women were also going through some shit that they just had no control over.
9:26
And I remember going to some, like, group sessions within the unit and I was like this.
This isn't helping me, but connecting with other people who just feel so helpless has been the most transformative.
9:44
It was like, I was there for a weekend.
I felt like the worst I could have possibly felt going in.
And I left feeling better, not because of the doctors or the medical staff, but because of the people I was locked in a room with.
I know it's crazy, but like, I think you just find hope within one another when you're both, when everybody's just so hopeless.
10:10
So that is like that's a funny moment to put in my timeline because it was so low, but it was also such a pivotal moment and my healing, you know.
10:29
And then when creating this timeline says it's spanned like 15 plus years.
At this point I also have to think about like the most recent event that is like just unbearable.
And it's funny because I no longer see this as unbearable.
10:49
Something that also happens when you're dealing with a traumatic situation and unresolved grief is that all of this evolves with you, and over time it changes and it takes a different shape.
And things don't affect me in the same way that they did 15 years ago when this happened and I was 24 at the time, Now I'm 40.
11:12
I've lived multiple lives already, and while Sky's disappearance has always been a part of it, I've also allowed myself to have other experiences and not let the disappearance affect everything.
11:31
It's always there.
It's always going to be with me.
It is a part of me.
It's like a fucking new appendage that I have to like, sew a new sleep for, you know?
And it's when I think about now with what is the most troubling, the most traumatic thing.
11:58
I'm not scoring it that high because I don't feel debilitated by it in the same way.
But typically I would say it's the frustration.
It's me trying to get movement on the case and not just not getting anything done and still dealing with the same incompetence that there is just nobody that knows what to do and nobody knows how to help in this situation.
12:24
It's a unique situation, I understand that.
But how after this many years, has nothing ever been changed or processes improved?
Or has anybody looked back at cases like this and been like, hey, maybe we should, I don't know, create some sort of protocol to have in place if something does happen?
12:47
That's what's frustrating.
And even though I feel like I can advocate and try to push for things, nobody's fucking listening.
Nobody's listening.
Not the people that I need to be listening, you know?
And that's what's frustrating.
13:05
It's so frustrating.
I could like, rank that as a 10.
But like another thing about that is like, I don't really feel it as a 10, you know what I mean?
I'm not necessarily having nightmares about it.
13:21
I've had nightmares about the loss of control of my life like years ago.
But since the trauma has evolved and now I'm looking at it from a different perspective, I'm looking at it more as like the systems in place and the failures of those systems.
13:40
It's a different kind of feeling.
It's more anger.
It's more like external anger rather than like an internalized trauma that I've been battling with.
So it's just an interesting approach to EMDR and to creating a trauma timeline that is even stumping my my therapist because she's like, I'm not too sure if this is how we should move forward or like, how to actually approach a long, all-encompassing type of event as this.
14:19
Because typically, yeah, like you can create a timeline with really specific events and kind of just chip away at them.
And if these events were like A10 over time, maybe you can get them down to like a 2A1 or even A0 where it's just not affecting you in the same way anymore.
14:38
But this situation is different.
And I understand that.
And I also understand that the therapy that I choose, the therapy that I need has to kind of be all-encompassing.
14:54
Like if there's days that I just want to sit and chat with you, like that's what I need to do.
If there's days where I can really dive into like a specific event, then that's what I need to do and that's what I think therapist in general need to understand.
15:11
Like you can have a plan, but like just like life, you need to be flexible because every day is going to be different, you're going to feel different and you need to approach those days differently and people need to be open to that.
I don't know.
15:30
I mean, I know, but like, I just, It was just something I was thinking about today and my last session it was like a mixture of just chatting because I just wanted to chat and then making a plan and then like just sitting and thinking on that.
15:53
Because another thing is like, you also cannot expect results quickly.
It takes time.
It is a process.
I think we're used to instant gratification and like scrolling on social media, getting that quick dopamine drip to make you feel good.
16:09
Like, Nah, that's not life.
And the process of healing is life.
It's just these ebbs and flows of good days and bad days and trying new things and then when something doesn't work, maybe trying it again in a different way at a different time.
16:32
Because some days are just not just not every day is the same, you know.
So I don't know.
Those are just my thoughts for today.
I hope everybody's having a great day.
And yeah, this is therapy.
16:49
Notes Session 16.