Session 12

Transcript:

0:01

Hello again and let's get into it.

So on Monday, I had my regular therapy session.

This week was a little different because it was held virtually.

Typically, I do not like to do my therapy sessions virtually.

I want to be present.

I want to be there.

I want to be able to read body language and I want to be able to have them see how I actually physically react to the things that we talk about, because a lot is said in body language, things that I just may not realize or not have the words for.

0:33

So I just think it's beneficial for therapy.

But that's me.

And unfortunately, this time it was done virtually and it was fine.

You know, I think The thing is, these things happen and though I want to control as much as I can because I have lived in this pretty much uncontrolled state for a very long time, I'm used to it.

0:55

I can adapt, I can bend.

And the session was really good.

And just to recap the session, the week before I had gotten a call from the Southington Police Department about something new in the case and not necessarily new information as to what had happened to Sky, but something more actionable that we can do in terms of getting new DNA into Japan.

1:22

As I stated before, the DNA that was submitted cannot be used in Japan due to the methodologies that they use in Japan in regards to DNA.

So that being said, I have not had an update from the Selington Police yet.

1:42

I'm not too sure when I will get that update.

I know the last time I had an update was like a month ago, so I'm not in any way surprised that I've yet to hear anything.

I'm well aware that it has been 15 years since guy went missing, so I am not expecting nor asking for miracles.

2:03

I am just excited that there has been something that's more actionable that we can do.

That being said, the first thing my therapist asked, well, the first thing she wanted to do was tell me her thoughts.

2:21

But she gave me some space and she's like, so how are you feeling about the information from last week?

And honestly, the more I have been able to sit with it and think about it, I'm going to Japan.

I'm going to go whether or not my mother and I need to physically go to Japan to deliver the DNA, I'm going to go.

2:46

So if I hear back from the Southington police that it is our only option in order to get the DNA to Japan to go to Japan, then we will go as soon as possible.

But if my mother is able to give the DNA in Connecticut and then they can send it to Japan, of course my mom will do that.

3:08

The reality set in due to my mother's age and the length of travel and it's just the stress involved that would be easier on her.

But I need to go.

3:26

I do, I do for my own healing and there's still actionable things that I can do while I'm there.

I get the police records and retrace the steps, get more insight into the things maybe I overlooked when I was there 15 years ago.

3:48

You know, get a different perspective.

And I'm going to do that.

I'm going to wait until the weather is nicer, though.

I do not need the stress of this type of situation coupled with bad weather.

4:07

I need to be kind.

I need to be real.

I'm gonna go when the weather's a little bit nicer.

I think that is only fair.

So I'm aiming for April.

That's what I'm aiming for.

And when I told my therapist that, she said yes, you need to go.

4:30

And she prefaced that with also saying that typically she does not ever, ever suggest anybody her like her patients, to go back to the place that has caused so much trauma.

And I agree.

4:46

But she said my case is a little different.

This is a hard thing to heal from.

I may never get closure, but if I can kind of complete certain things that feel as though I can accomplish them knowing that I did everything possible in my you know in within my capabilities, then that would give me a different kind of closure.

5:20

Like I did everything I could And something that we discovered in discussing this.

Because while it has been 15 years and there has been opportunities for me to go back, I have found every excuse on the book not to.

5:43

And the main thing that has prevented me was looking for permission to go and also just waiting for somebody else to step in and help.

6:01

I've been waiting for 15 years for some help, and it's funny how I never took a step back and actually looked at the reality of it, that no one was stepping in.

6:19

Nobody has stepped in this entire time.

It's been me.

I've had people on the sidelines cheering me on, wishing me the best of luck, offering comfort and support, but nobody actually coming to help me do the work, to make the phone calls, to do the research.

6:46

It's a tall order and I've never asked, so partly I blame myself and I never wanted to show my suffering through this.

7:07

I always said I was OK and I haven't been.

This is tough.

And it dawned on me that when my therapist said to go, I was like, Oh my God, thank you for giving me permission.

7:33

I've been waiting for somebody to tell me to just and people have been.

People have been saying it, but I needed to know that it was the right thing for me to do, because I also know the reality is that I can go, you know I can go, but I can still come back with no answers and nothing else.

7:59

And I'm afraid of what my life will look like once I know that I've done everything that I can't.

I'm terrified of that.

And life is good.

8:16

Life could be even better, but I'm afraid of that.

I've gotten comfortable in this dark space.

It's become part of my identity and I'm afraid I wouldn't know who I am without it.

8:45

It's fucking sad this guy went missing when I was 24.

I didn't know what I wanted to do or who I was, and I never allowed myself.

9:09

The I never allowed myself to dream beyond.

Beyond that, I was OK in in not knowing and not knowing what happened to Sky.

9:24

In not knowing who I am or what I wanted out of my own life.

It was already given to me.

A hand was dealt that I didn't ask for, but I'll always take on the bigger problems.

9:48

I'll always put myself last, but it's a disservice to everybody else around me.

It is.

I'm not 100% present.

I can't commit.

10:08

There's always 1 foot out the door.

There's a hesitancy to change because I've gotten so comfortable in this state.

I've gotten so comfortable in the unknown that I fear I'm actually planning a life for myself.

10:43

And it's not fair to me or my family at this point.

And I've let it hang over me for so fucking long.

11:01

It was funny.

My therapist was like, normally people avoid in the dark places.

They don't want to sit in their feelings.

And she said it dawned on her that I had been sitting in these feelings for 15 years and it's time to get out of them.

11:23

So I have to do something more actionable.

I have to go.

I have to go.

I don't have a choice in this anymore.

The choice has been made, and I know, I know.

11:47

Not too many people find themselves in a situation like this.

And if I were to look at this as an outsider, I would be like, what the fuck is wrong with her?

Why did she wait so long?

It doesn't make any sense.

And of course it doesn't make any sense.

I don't know how to rationalize it, but I need to to express that it.

12:06

It isn't easy and I'm my own worst enemy in this.

I am, and I always have been and I always will be.

But it's funny how you rationalize things.

12:29

It's funny how events shape and change you, and how they can destroy you but also make you better.

12:48

It was funny how that my therapist had asked me what what I wanted to do with my life and then she was also like 24, too fucking young to handle something like this.

13:05

It's too young.

You're too inexperienced.

And then just sit with that for years and she's like, what do you think he would do?

And The thing is, when I look at my life now, Skye's disappearance pushed me so far outside of anything I knew and anything that I was comfortable with.

13:35

And I struggled with staying the same.

For about 5 years.

I struggled with trying to come to grips of what had happened and how it had changed me.

And then when I saw things just turned darker and more bleak in where I was and like where I was living and the relationships that I had, it pushed me to just let go of it all.

14:01

And being able to let go and find the confidence and the drive to like, sell all my belongings and move across the country with nothing, with no way, safety net, no job.

14:19

It was liberating and it was everything that I needed.

And I was.

I surprised myself in a way, stating that I was thankful for this traumatic event because I would have never gotten to where I am despite the bumpy road, and that I'm happy.

14:50

I am happy here in my current life, not wanting more than I have and being content with the loneliness I feel sometimes actually looking for that and sitting in it.

15:13

I love my husband, I love my son, and I love to just look out the window or just take a walk.

I learned to love the simplest things and that has been a gift.

15:32

That's been the biggest fucking gift.

And I like who I am.

I do.

But can it get better?

You know, if I do what I need to do, meaning go to Japan and going through this really hard moment, if I can finish all of this, could I even be better?

16:12

I think that thought scares me.

It's really terrifying.

It's really when people say like, how do you go through something really difficult and it's just like you go through it, you go fucking through it.

And I've been in it and I've taken everybody around me in it too.

16:42

So I need to just finish it.

I need to finish it.

I need to go back and I need to go through it and I need to feel it because it can only make me better.

17:18

Well, that was a lot.

That was a lot.

And honestly, I've been feeling a little on edge this week, not just because of that session, because that session was like actually really good.

It just gave me, I think, the push that I needed.

17:38

But I'm also heading back to Connecticut for the holidays.

I hadn't, actually.

I visit Connecticut pretty often when I can, but this time it's around the holidays and I haven't actually spent like Christmas.

17:57

I haven't spent Christmas there since I moved out here.

I typically don't like to travel during high, high travel times, but I'm going to go back this year.

I'm going to go back for a while.

I'm going to go back for a while because there's always some new family event that I need to, you know, take part of, I guess.

18:22

And I think I've been stressed about that.

It's always hard to go back.

It's good, you know, because it's familiar, but it's tough.

It is tough, but yeah, I'll try to keep recording these episodes while I'm there, maybe do some video recordings too so you guys can get a better feel of what it's like.

18:58

Because you know, if you've been following stuff like that.

I typically stay in my sister's room.

When I go go back, it's going to be OK.

19:15

Don't worry guys, I'll keep you in the loop.

Anyways, this has been therapy.

Notes session 12.