Session 4

Transcript:

0:01

I've been sad lately.

And I've been feeling like shit, like physically I'm sick and I've been going to therapy every week.

And I've been really like, just.

Pouring it out there, and at one point I dissociated.

0:17

Real.

Bad and the therapist had.

Me, you know, try to ground myself and come back to the present, but this?

You know, when I'm going through, I'm when I'm really doing the work, I feel, I feel it.

0:41

Physically and and it's not just because I also have a four year old who is a Petri dish of.

Bacteria and viruses, I think.

I mean it probably adds to it.

But.

When I'm feeling depressed, I I feel physically sick.

1:01

And you know, it just, God, it's like this doubleedged sword.

Because I'm.

Also trying to be as productive.

As I can, and this is something that we were discussing, is like my need to always have like these goals.

1:19

And accomplishments every day.

And there's really no.

Need for it It's just like this.

Part of my I think.

Obsessive nature with feeling accomplished.

And you know, those things have like these goals have.

Changed.

1:36

Like sometimes it's just making sure laundry's done and the house is clean.

Or that I got like.

You know, 600 calories on my Apple Watch.

It's things like that these days, but like at.

The same time those never feel like enough.

1:53

I feel like I like.

Currently I'm also going through, you know, trying to find some parttime job.

To help me like get.

Out of the.

House and Get Me Out of my head, but also be.

Worth getting out of the house and you know that part of it.

2:14

And I'm also like trying to double down on.

Making this.

Content in hopes that maybe this.

Could help me support myself?

Because I've been putting myself out there for two years just.

For free, just you know, for fun.

But it, you know, it takes its toll.

2:34

And not getting any.

Not getting any job interviews feels like a failure.

And not getting any traction with what I'm doing feels like a failure and today.

2:52

I also sent out an e-mail to the police.

In Southington and I've.

Contacted them several times over the past year.

Just trying.

To get an update on the DNA being submitted to Interpol and I go to the Interpol website.

3:08

And you know, you can't directly contact them in order to have a yellow notice or a.

Notice they it needs to.

Be through another.

You know, police agency and I just.

3:25

Haven't heard anything and I'm just like.

You know, stuck in the case like skies there are just.

So many moments where you feel just so fucking stuck because.

3:42

You're so dependent on something else to happen on somebody else to like.

Step in and help you and take the initiative and I have a hard time asking for help that is.

You know something I deal with?

But when everything kind of feels that way.

4:06

It's just, you know, it puts you in a bad place.

So that's kind of.

Where I'm at.

And then on top of that, I had my therapist.

Messaged me last night saying that she's going to be leaving the.

4:23

And that's, you know, I've been with her for about 5 months now, and that is probably the longest I've had a therapist, One therapist consistently.

That I've been going to weekly and I feel as though we're just.

4:41

Finally getting somewhere, and my response was of course of course, maybe I can follow her somewhere.

Else, but at the same time, you know it's $200.00 a session and the financial strain that's happening.

5:03

I know I'm not alone in this.

I see it all.

Around me like the prices.

Of everything have risen exponentially for no reason.

It just seems like in the past six.

Months or so.

Everything's gotten out of hand and I'm looking at like just doing my grocery shopping at the dollar store these days, I.

5:23

Just I don't understand my son.

Perfect example so my son gets these.

Stonyfield yogurts, and we haven't gotten them in a little bit because sometimes he's.

He doesn't want them but in the.

Beginning before the pandemic and just during the pandemic they were.

5:41

Like 390-9399 for four pouches of yogurt, which already seems.

Like I feel like a.

Lot you know.

But now I went to Target the other day because it's.

The closest thing that actually carries it.

And it's $7.19.

5:57

Cents and I look at the packs of yogurt.

And the shrinkage?

The product shrinkage is also very apparent.

It's very watery.

Like what the fuck is?

Going on like how is this?

OK.

6:12

That is like a 50% increase in price for what, I don't know why we're?

I'm not okay with this and I hope you guys are okay with this too.

I know.

That's just one example, but I'm sure you can also think of several examples.

6:30

In your own life that have just gotten out of hand and when it comes to, you know, my therapy being 2. $100 a week.

You know I was.

I'm coming to a point where I was going to have.

To pause it anyway.

So there was a part.

6:45

Of me that when she sent me that.

Message last night and I'm like, okay, maybe this will make you know a pause on our sessions a little easier to like say and deal with.

And I think that's part of the issue is like we're.

7:01

I know.

I mean me personally.

I'm afraid to.

Speak up sometimes, especially when it's for.

Myself, I don't know why I can do it for other people, but I.

Can't do it for myself and like I am just going into debt for therapy.

7:18

To help myself, but the financial strain is it, it doesn't.

It doesn't make sense.

It doesn't make sense why I do these things to myself.

And why I can't be like, well, I can't do this but.

7:35

To find a cheaper.

Alternative is exhausting.

It's like everywhere I go, everywhere I.

Turned everybody's saying get you know self help do what's best for you but I it's.

7:53

More and more impossible to do.

In what's changing all around us, everybody's prices.

Are going up and everybody's broker than ever.

Anyways, that's what I've been thinking about in the past every.

8:16

I wake up and I have this same like, sad conversation.

With my husband about the current state of things, and if you too.

Are listening to this and you're like, yo, that yes.

This has gotten out of hand.

Then just believe that.

8:34

You're not alone, and if anybody's.

Telling you different they're just gaslighting you because it's.

I think affecting everybody.

I'm not too sure what to do.

About it.

Other than to collectively bitch about it.

8:50

And if we do that enough, maybe something can change, but I don't.

I don't know what the action is because I feel as though.

We've been just.

So demoralized and so overwhelmed with.

Everything else that was just I.

9:05

Understand why nobody has anything left to give.

So what else happened in therapy this week?

I had initially wanted to.

Cancel my session because my husband had been out of town for the whole week.

9:27

And I was with my son and I just.

Doing the just like letting all of my trauma out every session has.

Been making me exhausted and physically sick and I was really tempted to cancel my session.

9:46

This week because I'm like, I've just been with.

My son alone all week and I'm already run down, but I went and we kind of just discussed.

Parenting because I I can't do it.

10:04

I can't do it alone and.

That's kind of hard to admit because.

I want to be there for my son.

In every capacity, but I am just so spent I have.

10:22

Like nothing left to give, he.

Has my love and my attention.

But my patience is thin.

You know I can't.

I'm not strong enough to not always give in to his demands.

10:38

And that's not good for either.

One of us and having my husband away for the week just was a real eye.

Opener for me, because I felt like in the beginning I was better.

10:55

I was.

Better with him but.

I think at every stage with your child.

Growing up and changing, you're going to be challenged, to say the least.

11:16

You're going to be faced?

With, you know.

What you can handle and what you can't.

And I learned that, like, I'm not good on my own.

I need somebody.

To like bounce off of when I don't know the right things to say to him or the right activities to get.

11:38

Him motivated because I struggled with that myself.

You know, when I'm in a funk, like, how do I get myself out of it?

Because I feel like every time it's different.

And so.

When you're actively trying to work on your own mental wellbeing while also in the care of somebody else's, like you're responsible for somebody else's.

12:02

Wellbeing that's challenging.

It's like the biggest challenge I think I've ever faced.

I'm up for it, you know, But it it's been exposing my weaknesses and sometimes that's hard.

12:39

Because even though I'm doing the work.

To try and be better, I'm always inevitably.

Going to be faced with my own.

12:54

Limitations and this is like one of those.

You know, I was.

13:10

Up all night.

Most nights that my husband was gone and I was thinking, I'm like if anything were to happen.

If I wasn't able to.

Pull my weight for some reason.

I would be one of those.

13:27

Moms who would give up custody?

Like I was thinking about that.

And that was hard to say to.

Admit to myself, then maybe I'm not equipped.

That sucks because I.

13:59

Want to be better?

That's all I've ever wanted.

I want to be better.

And I also think I realized that.

14:18

Being alone and I, I was able to see.

Just my lack of community as to where I am.

My husband and I live, you know.

14:36

Without family, without many friends.

Around like near us and we're pretty isolated.

And we've been doing well, well enough, but I don't know if I think it's it just really cements the fact that you can't do it alone.

15:09

And we've been alone.

For a really long time, I've never.

Really found my.

Footing here in Los Angeles.

Los Angeles has so many.

15:25

You know, upsides.

But then the isolation just based on, like the way the city is structured, is it's isolating.

And so many people here are like transient so.

15:42

Even if you.

Make a friend.

They may be gone in a.

So just.

I mean, I've known.

We've been alone, but I've been, but this past week it was really.

16:03

It was really in my face.

And when you're on a journey.

Of.

Trying to make yourself better, trying to deal with.

16:21

All the other things that are going on in your life, it's not good to be alone.

16:50

Yeah, well.

This wasn't exactly where I had this episode planned to go, but sometimes I guess a little.

17:20

A little tangent, I think brings out the honesty that I needed to hear and myself.

And I think maybe that's something I will take with me for the rest of the day.

17:38

And maybe you can too, if we're truly.

Honest with ourselves if we say.

The things that we feel like we shouldn't say aloud, if we actually said them aloud, like what does that mean?

I'm not.

17:56

Too sure yet, but hopefully I think it means I need to change like that's something needs to change.

Well, on that note, this is therapy notes.

18:18

Session 4.