Session 10

Transcript:

0:01

I have to be honest.

Lately, I want to cancel all of my therapy appointments.

I don't want to go.

I don't want to leave the house for it.

I don't feel inspired to go.

I'm not feeling like it helps, not in the way that I need it to help.

0:19

Sometimes I do.

I love to just go and like, chat with her just about the week.

Yeah, of course, I don't mind that.

But it's everything else.

It's the the work that I need to do.

It's sitting in that dark space trying to bring myself back to that place.

0:40

A place like I don't want to be.

I don't want to be there.

I don't want to sit and think about my time in Japan and all the time afterwards in watching everybody else's life move forward while I stay stuck.

0:59

Not knowing how to move forward.

Feeling as though feeling just so much guilt, you know, with having the opportunity to continue on, but just completely unable to do so.

1:17

And it's no matter how much time goes by, it's still, it's still so fucking heavy.

And I know some.

I mean, sometimes I just get so mad at myself because I feel as though anybody else could just move on, you know?

1:44

And why can't I?

Why do I do this to myself?

What?

What is it all for?

So this Monday, I was bracing myself preparing to tell my therapist that, hey, maybe maybe I'll take a break for, you know, a few weeks, I can come back, you know, in February.

2:07

But to my surprise, she had texted me early that morning saying that she was sick.

And I was like, Oh my God, thank God.

Now thank God that she was sick.

Thank God that I don't have to go in And but she quickly responded with hey, I can do it virtually, but it's up to you.

2:25

And I replied, Oh no, no, no.

Like you're not feeling well.

You don't need to be burdened by my, you know, issues.

That's not going to make you feel better.

And I use that as a way to feel better about myself not being honest with the fact that I just didn't want to go.

2:44

And I'm being thankful for the fact that, you know, she is the one giving me an excuse.

And she replied back and she said, you know, it's up to you.

And then in that moment, I was frozen with such indecision.

3:01

I literally just froze.

I sat on the couch, and my husband's like, what's going on?

And I told him, and I'm like, I can't, I don't know what to do.

And he's like, we'll just do it virtually.

And I was like, I don't want to do it virtually.

Oh, my God.

Like, I don't want to spend the money to just sit in front of my computer and talk to her.

3:20

I don't want to do that.

It like felt like a a waste of money.

And then and then he said it's not about the money.

It's never about the money because you getting the help that you need is worth the money.

3:37

It affects everybody.

It helps everybody out, even if you don't see it that way.

And he's like, why don't you see it that way?

Because I'm broken.

Because I if the if my worth is not somehow valued monetarily, it's like I have no worth.

4:06

And I don't know where that came from, but it's something that is just ingrained in me.

I I barely make money from the effort I put into these podcasts or whatever I put out there.

I don't make money off of this.

4:22

And I put so much time into it because I should be noble enough, you know, to just do it out of the goodness of my heart.

But I don't know.

4:38

Is that what is that?

What is that?

There's.

But anyways, after like an agonizing 15 minutes or so, I replied back to her.

4:59

I was like, OK, we can do it virtually.

And then she didn't say anything and I was like, thank, OK, thank God, Maybe she's just back in bed and it's fine, you know, no big deal.

So then I just, I go out, I go out, I do some therapeutic shopping or just window shopping, basically.

5:23

And then she texts me back.

She's like, OK, we're on.

And it's like 11:00 at this point and our appointments at noon And I was like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck why?

You know?

And The thing is, all I need to do is really be honest with myself about the situation.

But in that moment too, I also been watching my phone, ready to reply back.

5:45

And I see that she unsends her message, She unsends it, unsends.

I had no idea that that was an option.

And then she sends me another message.

She's like, you know what, I'm coming down with a fever.

So yeah, I'm just cancelling everything today.

And I was again, so thankful, so thankful.

6:04

But then in that aftermath, and when I I think about it, I'm just like, I need to be honest.

I need to be honest with myself.

I need to be brutally honest with myself.

6:19

And I need to start being honest with other people too.

And it's frustrating because The thing is, I'm scared to do the work.

I'm scared to go to that dark place.

And I do this to myself all the time.

6:39

All the time, with everything.

I can tell myself that I can do something, but I know I won't.

I know I'll find an excuse to run, hide, dissociate, avoid.

6:58

It's the one thing I'm so good at.

I I need, like a fucking Nobel Peace Prize.

Not that because my avoidance would bring peace to the world, but it's something I was sitting with this week because I didn't go to therapy.

7:24

And it's my need to be honest with myself, my need to really accept what I'm avoiding.

And I've been avoiding it for so, so, so, so long.

And I've been avoiding how I feel about myself and myself worth and what it's really worth because myself worth and my the how I hold myself to myself is not high.

8:01

It's not high at all.

And it's funny because it's like you think when you grow up you outgrow these feelings because this feeling feels so juvenile to me.

8:23

It feels like I should have outgrown this, but it dictates so much of what I say I do but really don't because I'm often just too afraid to ask for help.

8:51

And that's what I need to admit to myself.

The many of the all the goals that I want will never be achieved if I don't start being more honest with myself.

9:15

And how does one change that?

I want to bring a surviving Sky to a bigger audience.

I want to connect with people.

9:33

I want to raise money to go back to Japan.

And then I want to have a separate fund to help other families who may find themselves in this position.

That's what I want to do, and I've been saying it or not saying it really.

9:55

I'm afraid to speak my goals out loud, because in that case, the only person I'm letting down when they don't get achieved is myself.

Then I can handle that kind of disappointment.

10:12

I just can't handle the disappointment of others.

10:27

What do you do with that?

What do you do?

Because I don't know.

I don't know where to begin.

I guess the first step is to actually stay in therapy because it's hard.

10:51

It's hard work, It's hard to go there.

And it's funny because it's sometimes I'm just.

I already know what it's like to live in the unknown.

My sister Sky's been missing for 15 years.

11:08

I I know what the unknown feels like, but I'm afraid if I get better, I'm afraid of that unknown.

I'm afraid if I go through therapy and take the time I need to find my peace on a more consistent basis.

11:33

You know, because I I I have good weeks.

I do.

Maybe I'm afraid I'd miss the pain because maybe it's become part of me.

Yeah, that's walked out.

12:04

But anyways, I'm putting this out there.

I'm putting this out there for the world to hear so I can be accountable, so I can do all of the things that I want to do because I don't want to let you guys down.

12:32

I don't want to do that and I don't and I don't want to let myself down anymore, OK?

12:55

This has been therapy, notes Session 10.