Session 5

Transcript:

0:01

I am my own worst enemy and that has been a common theme my entire life.

I'll self sabotage.

I'll procrastinate.

I'll make up excuses.

I'll really dive into some ridiculous avoidance behavior.

0:20

I'll dissociate.

I just will do anything to not get something done when I need to get something done.

But on the flip side, sometimes I go too hard and I overwhelm myself and I over complicate things and I just don't give myself the time I need to heal or to rest, recover, to just become, to just allow myself to be a human, to feel things.

0:55

Yesterday I did an interview with this show.

I'll let you know more about it when it comes out.

And it was a 2 hour long interview where I have to well, where I tell my story.

1:12

Well, I tell Sky's story and my story and the mental health aspects of it.

And in order for me to feel OK, like spending two hours very intensely talking about a very difficult subject afterwards, in order to make myself feel normal, I had to then, like, go on a walk.

1:36

I had to go grocery shopping.

I went and got a donut for myself.

I went and did some like, therapy, window shopping.

And then I got my car washed and I vacuumed it.

And this was between.

So the interview was 9:00 AM to 11:00, and then I got all of that done before 2:00 to pick up my son.

2:00

And it's like a race against time, but it's really just a race against myself because of it.

I allowed myself to sit down and reflect upon what I just did.

I'm afraid of what might happen.

2:16

I'm afraid to be with those thoughts and those feelings.

And most of the time, like that kind of behavior that I do is to avoid those feelings.

2:33

So even though, like, I look like I'm doing something and I'm accomplishing my goals, I'm, you know, checking off my checklist, I am completely avoiding my feelings.

I'm completely forgetting about everything that I just did for those two hours, talking about something that is meaningful to me.

2:57

I talk about Sky's disappearance and you know, the the ramifications of all of that, the how the system's broken and like then family dynamics and mental health issues.

That is what I want to talk about.

3:13

That is something that I am passionate about because I know if you guys are listening, then you're listening for a reason.

You're listening because you get this or you relate or you want to understand more about it.

Because I'm doing this as, I don't know, as an experiment, as insight into what this kind of event can do to somebody.

3:40

I don't see it enough.

Like I I did it because I just want to be seen for once.

I want some validity in my life experience and no matter what I do like, I guess I haven't found like the right recipe.

4:01

I guess in order to, you know, reconcile these feelings, you know, it's oh, it's so frustrating.

And today, this morning I make a list and 00 K guys.

4:22

So another thing, a list is very new to me.

I need to give a shout out to Wellbutrin.

Wellbutrin, I think it's working.

I think it is really helping me.

It's helping me focus.

I'm going through and I'm more focused on my daytoday life, on the people around me and I'm feeling a little bit lighter overall.

4:50

I was hitting a slump just a few weeks back where I was really down and and I go through these cycles and I understand it.

I'm, I'm always expecting it, but I like this.

I like where the Wellbutrin is taking me.

5:07

I was a little afraid to take more of a stimulant and I didn't want just a straight like anti depressant.

This is like somewhere in between.

This is so far I think it's pretty good.

Like I've been doing the dishes.

I don't know how you guys are with dishes.

5:24

I have a dishwasher, I don't really like to use it.

I don't ask me why.

I guess I feel like we just don't have enough dishes to make it worth it.

But if there's a sink fluid dishes, I can get through 3/4 of it.

5:40

I can never ever seem to finish all of the dishes.

I get to a point where I look at like the few things, like a few, like pieces of silverware, a cup or two, and I just, I'll walk away.

I literally just walk away.

5:55

I don't know what's wrong with me, but I have been able to finish the dishes, which is a funny thing to be so thrilled about.

But honestly, guys, it is the little things when you're dealing with so much, the little things are my wins, like getting laundry done, getting the grocery shopping done, getting like, you know, just something up off the floor.

6:23

It's it's for me, it's the little wins.

It's the things that have helped me find success because I'm, you know, because when you can't control something that's so uncontrollable, you'll grasp on to anything.

6:47

And that's what I find myself doing.

And I recognize my patterns and I think the recognition and the self-awareness is the first is the best step.

It's the most important step in, like where I'm going.

I'm fully aware that I will never properly grieve my sister's disappearance because I do not have answers.

7:12

I understand that and I know that how it affects me as I go through my life, As I grow and change and have new experiences, it will constantly evolve with me.

7:28

I know that and I'm always trying to be prepared and you can't always be prepared, and I think that's another frustrating part.

But anyways, enough about that.

I have a bit of an update on Sky's case.

7:46

If you listen to last week's episode or saw my TikTok, I talked about getting finally getting a response from the Police Department about the DNA status from Interpol.

8:02

OK guys, so I got an e-mail back and I know the status.

So in the Interpol database of I familia with my parents DNA there are no matches.

8:18

There's no DNA matches in the database.

So honestly I didn't feel much when I heard that I wasn't surprised, but as of today there are no DNA matches for Sky in the Interpol database.

8:40

And then we were also informed in regards to the black notice, which is to check the morgues.

I think we were a little bit confused about how a Black notice works.

So the Black notice will not work in Sky's case because you actually need a body.

8:58

So that is that in regards to the black notice.

And then the new detective that I'm in contact with in Southington informed me that the investigative analyst in Interpol is actually going to be reaching out to Japan For more information to see if there is any movement on their end.

9:22

So that's amazing.

That has always been a struggle for me to get in contact with the Japanese authorities.

It's just such a like a logistical nightmare because if you make a phone call, chances are you're constantly met with somebody who just can't help you, just they don't speak your language.

9:47

And even if you have a translator you like physically need to be there in order to get things done.

So having Interpol reach out is amazing.

I'm very excited about that.

10:04

It's not huge movement, but when you have a missing person for 15 years, anything is movement.

Anything is good news.

Even bad news is good news.

So that is my perspective on that.

10:19

And yeah, I'm pumped.

I'm pumped on something.

I feel like actually this past just 24 hours I've been looking into my files on Sky's case and I am thrilled with the work that I've been putting into it.

10:46

But there's still so many holes.

There's still so much that, so many variables, because Sky isn't here to fill in, fill in the gaps for us, then.

That's OK That's OK.

This is just part of it all.

11:06

Not knowing.

And that's OK.

You know, the not knowing has been a blessing in other aspects of my life.

Not in this.

It never will be.

The not knowing will never get easy, but the not knowing in regards to how you view other things in your life, make things can make things a little easier because you kind of just you have to just go with the flow, you know, lower expectations and just take things as they are, you know.

11:41

And sometimes that's a good a grounding force in my life.

So I think that that might be it for today, a short one.

I like these short ones.

I think it is just enough to connect and enough for me to not be so bogged down by such an intense subject.

12:09

So thank you guys.

This has been therapy.

Notes Session 5.