Session 9

Transcript:

0:01

I don't function well on a lack of sleep, so much so that a few missed hours could trigger a complete unraveling.

That's how I feel today.

I don't know if there was something in the atmosphere, but my body resisted rest last night.

0:19

So much so that I it's been a long time since I experienced something like that.

The air was sick, warm, but like cold.

Nothing.

Nothing I did made me comfortable.

0:35

I tried to put in an audio book and I was like, this will put me asleep. 10 chapters in.

I was more awake than ever.

It was a frustrating, frustrating night.

And then add to that, like being on a plane less than 24 hours ago, It just, it's just a day where your body is just in complete dysregulation.

1:02

So I tried to mitigate that by taking a yoga class this morning, a hot yoga class, 60 minutes long, where I found myself just sweating, laying on my back because I could not, I could not do it today.

1:20

Oh, it was frustrating.

Every move I tried to make, I edged on hyperventilating.

I was trying to push down anxiety, anxiety attacks with every twist.

It was exhausting.

So I gave in and spent most of the time on the floor just trying to regulate.

1:42

Like, you know, some days you have, you have days like that.

It's frustrating, it's frustrating.

And I know this.

I know my patterns, I know how my emotions work and I know I have to get on top of it before.

2:02

This dysregulation takes everything from me because sometimes it can take me a day to recover, sometimes a week, and it affects everything.

It affects everything.

How I eat, how I perform, how I interact with my relationships.

2:23

It's everything.

I am so sensitive, so fucking sensitive.

So when something's a little off, it's frustrating.

It's so frustrating.

2:40

I cannot be having the best day, best day.

And one thing, one thing goes wrong or one thing seems off, and that's it.

And it's funny that I mentioned this because I know the last podcast episode I put out, I talked about how having found my piece and it just goes to show how fleeting those peaceful moments are, those content, full moments.

3:07

And it's not something you can always strive for, because something as simple as a lack of sleep can disrupt everything.

It's just those things.

3:23

It's like the little things that you have to realize.

It's the simple things, the simple disruptions that can trigger an avalanche of emotions or bad decisions.

So get your sleep, get your sleep and eat Well.

3:42

Something else that also happens when I'm like this is that everything makes me feel nauseous, and it's just this compounding effect where all this negativity feeds into more negativity.

It's like when you're lying awake thinking that you need to sleep.

4:00

It just drums up this anxiety, which in turn keeps you up.

What is that?

Why the fuck are we wired this way?

This is why you do not chase eternal happiness, because it's just isn't.

4:17

It just isn't true.

Just like I know that how I feel right now isn't forever.

You just have to be accepting of the ebbs and flows of our emotions, of our state.

And it's been, I think, pretty tough in the world recently, and I think we're all feeling it.

4:41

I don't think anybody is left untouched.

On a lighter note, I was just on a trip with my family.

We went to Portland, OR and it was a lovely time, a lovely time, a little frustrating at times.

4:59

Oregon has some weird parking issues, but those are trivial things in the grand scheme of things.

But those things, I think even the small things we need to acknowledge, small things can trigger us.

5:18

But it's it was just more of a frustration.

Anyways, my husband was working up there and I spent most of the time trying to entertain my 5 year old, which proved very difficult.

I don't know what happened to him recently, I don't know.

5:37

There's a new stage in in the life of a 5 year old where they try to fight you on everything in complete opposition, even if it's something that they wanna do.

It was it was very frustrating, but still a good time over.

6:04

Overall, it's still a really good time and that is also why it's into a podcast episode last week because you know you have to live your life and that's what I try to do.

But the week prior, I did have a therapy session, and it wasn't the first one that I had in a month.

6:28

So I went into it feeling really, really good.

So good that I just did not want to.

I did not want to get into anything that would be upsetting.

I didn't want to do EMDRI just kind of wanted to recap the four weeks where I wasn't seeing my therapist and she was on board.

6:54

And I I love that when they could sense that hey, you've you've seem really good, let's just chat.

And sometimes that's all you need.

And I felt like that is all I needed in that moment.

I didn't really need to drum up, drum up any extra emotions.

7:14

I didn't need to leave feeling drained.

With EMDR, you will feel it because what you do in those sessions, you visualize these traumatic events.

You put yourself there, who you were in that moment during that time period.

7:34

You are that person again.

You're trying to view it from your current state, but you need to feel it.

So you put yourself there and that that's exhausting, that that can ruin your week.

7:57

Like honestly, it's it's tough, but it is.

When you revisit these emotions and you allow yourself to feel them, that's when you take the new information with all the time that has passed with set event or set emotion, you look at it different.

8:21

You try to process it in a new way so that these traumatic events don't have a significant disruptive power over you anymore.

8:38

And in my situation, I'm well aware.

It's the same with my therapist.

We're aware that we will never fully get to where we'll never be traumatized by this.

Like, I'll always be traumatized by Sky's disappearance and the events surrounding it.

8:59

Always.

I don't have any closure.

I think EMDR is working in a way where I'm just, I'm feeling good after these sessions have passed.

And she actually said she's like, you seem really good and she's like it's probably because you haven't been here in a month because it's hard.

9:23

It's hard work and a lot of times in my sessions I am still building these scenarios for for my therapist to understand.

So a lot of times I'm not even getting into the the actual EMDR itself.

9:42

I'm just, I'm building the world still and that alone is exhausting.

So Needless to say, it was actually a really good session.

When I saw her last.

9:59

I talked about my parents visit and I talked about just like all the things that had happened during during that time, my son's birthday, having a a kid's birthday party for my son and that I don't know if I come across this way.

10:25

If you follow me on TikTok or listen to me here I am an introvert through and through.

I would avoid my own, my own reflection if I could.

So it was a huge, huge success, a huge win for me and my husband, who's also equally as introverted, to have a a party for my son's friends and people, their parents, who I don't know who.

11:01

It's just so uncomfortable.

But I but I did OK.

We all did OK.

What's really funny?

I don't know if anybody else has this.

Both me and my husband are very introverted, but my son is the biggest extrovert I have ever met and it's honestly one of the most challenging things that I have dealt with as when becoming a parent.

11:33

Honestly, I never.

I never thought.

I never considered that.

I guess on becoming a parent, I never considered the the differences, the stark differences that I would have to be challenged with.

11:54

It's a great challenge and I feel like I have risen to the occasion.

But there are moments where I need, I need my time, I need my time to recover, like I need time to think.

12:11

I need time to just stare at a wall and do nothing.

Like, you know, And it's so hard to try to balance talking about my situation and this guy's disappearance and have a family.

12:36

It's challenging.

And it's funny because I feel very on the edge today and I feel my emotions really, really on the surface when on most days I can talk about this pretty, pretty steadily and with confidence.

13:02

But I hesitate today because you guys that disrupted sleep, like I feel it.

I don't know how people do it.

I mean, we do do it.

13:21

We've all been doing it.

We have.

Anyways, this is just one day and it's acknowledging the feelings, it's giving space.

13:43

It's being kind to yourself and knowing that tomorrow is going to be a little bit better, you know?

I hope you all remember that, right?

I'm really just saying that for myself, until until the next session, this has been therapy, notes Session 9.