Session 1

Transcript:

0:01

Hey, OK, Are you ready?

I finally figured out where I want to take Surviving Sky.

As many of you know, my sister Sky has been missing for about 15 years.

She took a Oneway ticket to Japan and we've never seen her again.

0:19

And it's been 15 years and there really hasn't been any movement.

And talking about her again and again.

While it does get her story out there, it does slowly take its toll on me as it has for the past 15 years.

0:39

So like the name Surviving Sky, I have been surviving and so I'm going to shift directions a little bit because this has always been more than just a missing person.

0:58

There is so many other people that have been affected and I am ready to actually break down my story and I've been trying to figure out the best way to do it that isn't going to be too taxing on me.

That isn't going to be too traumatizing.

1:15

And I figured, hey, let's throw that out the window and make it really traumatizing because that's how you make change and that's how you progress and maybe grow.

Or maybe this will be a terrible idea and maybe it will send me spiraling.

1:35

I don't know.

I mean, I've tried so many other things.

Why not be as transparent as possible?

So I'm kind of switching things up and I am going to talk to you about my journey in healing, mainly therapy.

1:53

I'm a I like to believe that therapy works, but with complicated grief and a constant misdiagnosis of various mood disorders.

2:09

Because of this type of grief, therapy has not been fun for me.

It's been good and it's been really, really bad.

So what I'm going to do, I'm going to do this unedited.

2:26

I'm not taking any time to edit out anything that I probably shouldn't say, and I'm not going to edit out any of the ums or the likes or the pauses.

This is just going to be a very raw candid session, a therapy session if you will, of me recounting my sessions in therapy from sessions that I remember in the past and sessions that I'm actively going through.

2:56

So I'm currently in trauma therapy and I'm trying out EMDR&EMDR.

Basically it's this, you know, honestly I'd probably have to look it up to give you the proper definition.

But basically what we're doing in these sessions is creating a trauma timeline.

3:15

Now I'm going into it thinking that my only traumas are Sky's disappearance because growing up and just like a lower middle class area, everybody looked like me.

So obviously nothing really stood out as, you know, out of the ordinary.

3:36

But while going through therapy, I do.

And just in general life and you know, growing up, moving away and having a family of my own, I have realized that maybe maybe there are certain aspects of my childhood that need some looking into.

3:58

So basically in therapy now I am creating a trauma timeline and I have, I've been going for a few months and you start from the beginning.

You start from like your earliest memory.

So, So what you do, OK, you find something that has upset you, something that has, you know, been lingering in the back of your head because a lot of times things that happen in your childhood, you know, they kind of linger with you and they shape you and how and and make you who and what you are today.

4:40

Not all forms of therapy believe this, but with this, you know, I am diving into my childhood and trying to make, I don't know, some reconciliation with certain events that I will, you know, inevitably tell you about.

5:02

But for a long time, I've, you know, pushed them away or disregarded them as just just, you know, it just was what my family was.

So basically you talk about these events, you rate them, you know, from how disturbing they are to you on a scale of 1 to 10.

5:30

And then basically once you're done creating this trauma timeline, you go through from the beginning and you sit in them, you visualize yourself as the child in the event and how it makes you feel.

5:46

And you sit with those thoughts you first try to, you know, create a safe space and a way to take yourself out of that darkness if you need to.

So we established all that and you kind of go from there.

6:04

What?

I guess.

So anyways, I'm going to get to that in a little bit.

Oh, this is probably when I should pause and really reevaluate what I'm about to get myself into.

6:29

But you know what?

I'm going to just jump back before I even started this trauma therapy and talk about the first, the first therapist I ever saw.

My parents were called into my school, my high school at this time because the teacher thought I was having some difficulties.

6:56

I didn't think so.

I thought I was doing just fine.

And anyways, at the recommendation of this teacher, my parents got me a therapist.

And this therapist was lovely.

7:12

I was like, oh, therapy is good.

I was 16 at the time and this therapist created such a nice and comforting safe space for me.

And you know, we talked about just what 16 year olds are going through.

7:28

So it didn't really amount to much and I didn't feel too comfortable revealing too much, but I knew that I was just frustrated with where I was and frustrated with just feeling alone, just so very alone.

7:46

And you know, we talked about it and it was like the first time I felt really seen and validated and how I was feeling that maybe, you know, maybe people weren't looking out for me.

And yeah, not a bad experience, but it didn't take long for, you know, the preapproved therapy sessions to run out.

8:16

And then that was that.

And I was back to just feeling completely alone and something that I have to make note of.

I always had been sent to the in school counselor or therapist, like every year at some point by a teacher or somebody that was concerned about me.

8:41

But nothing was ever followed up with no further testing was done or anything like that.

I did good in school.

For the most part.

I was smart, but when I look back at it now, what I realize is that my first years I was very disruptive.

9:02

Very, very disruptive.

But I wasn't.

You know what they would call like hyperactive or anything like that?

It wasn't a DD, because in those days I was specifically told that girls do not have a DHD.

That's not possible.

What what my behaviors were were just crying.

9:21

I cried every single day.

I cried every single day until they sent me to the nurse's office, where I just sat there and cracked and I was ashamed.

For this behavior, I had a teacher give me a sticker.

This was in second grade.

I had a teacher give me a sticker every day that I didn't cry, but the overwhelming feeling of just being what I would now call like anxious was so, so just like ever consuming.

9:54

That is my baseline.

That has been my baseline for the past 40 years.

That's all I've ever known.

Even I.

This goes back even further.

In preschool.

My reaction to this overwhelming feeling was to throw up.

10:12

And I threw up every single day.

I threw up when there was a change in the events of like, you know, the preschool curriculum, I guess the agenda for the day.

And I threw up to a point where they kicked me out of preschool.

10:32

But nothing was ever addressed about this.

And I had felt this way for years until I learned how to shut it down because of the shame and the embarrassment I felt.

I dealt with all these feelings up until and through high school, just being nervous and overwhelmed and not being able to, like, just get comfortable and focus on anything.

11:01

But what had helped me early on is somebody told me how the system worked.

It was just, this is how you pass, and I learned how to pass.

I learned that I didn't have to pay attention in class at all, and I didn't.

11:17

I saw what the homework was when you would walk into class, I it was written on the board and then I would do it.

That's what I would do in the class time, during lectures or whatnot.

I would do all the homework.

So I always had homework done.

11:33

I never did homework at home.

I only did it in the class period.

I knew exactly how to find answers.

I knew how textbooks were laid out.

I knew the formulas of, you know, how questions were asked and how to answer them.

11:49

I perfected it.

I made it into a game and I had to win.

So I did really good in school.

So if somebody asked me if a therapist asked me, because over the years they always ask you how did you do in school?

And I said with pride, I did fucking great.

12:09

I was really good at school.

I won school, but I would.

What I neglected to tell them is that it was done through a series of manipulations, because I understood how the system works, and it wasn't about what you knew, it was about how you passed.

12:26

And I could pass, no problems asked, you know.

But what that did for me was sabotage me from getting a proper diagnosis early on because my emotional dysregulation was masked, because I was forced to mask, because nobody wants a crying girl in their class, because it's kind of disruptive and it kind of puts everybody in a sour mood.

12:57

So that's what I did, and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

So over the years, that kind of behavior, what I did to help me in my current situation made me backslide for years and getting a proper diagnosis.

13:21

Because I also didn't recognize what the problems were.

I thought I was fixing them and I wasn't.

And The thing is, even if I come back to present day trying to get an ADHD diagnosis in your, you know, late 30s and 40s, it's fucking difficult.

13:47

Because the first thing they ask you is how did you do, how did you do in school?

I had a survey sent to me asking me to send somebody who knew me before the age of 12 who could adequately and accurately assess how I did in school.

14:04

And the first thing I thought was, wait, I don't have anybody for that.

And I actually reached out to my mom.

And many of you know, if you've listened to my podcast before, seen my Tic Tacs.

My mom's great, but my mom does have her shortcomings and her faults.

14:26

And I knew my mom did not know what I was going through at that at that stage.

So when I asked her to take this survey for me, she was honest in a very in, in a way that I needed.

14:42

And she was like, I can't answer this for you because I was not paying attention to you at that time.

And this was validating and also kind of excruciating because what I had experienced growing up with tremendous emotional neglect and it's not necessarily, I don't ever want to go into therapy and just place blame on others because I am very aware that everybody has their limitations and everybody is also confined to what are, you know, our society and our systems have built for us to live in.

15:28

We have walls where there shouldn't be walls.

And my mom and my dad don't emotionally have the capability to provide emotional support for anyone.

15:47

They just don't.

So it was a neglect that some would say borderlines abuse.

Sorry mom.

16:08

And it's different today because now I have the words for it.

As a child, I didn't have the words, and I have the ability to communicate to my parents as needed.

16:24

But it doesn't negate the upbringing and the the emotional support.

That was not meeting my needs.

So my mom, in other words, admitted that she could not fill out an ADHD evaluation for me, even being, you know, almost 30 years ago.

16:54

She knew that she couldn't because she wasn't aware of what was really going on.

There were other things happening in the house.

You know, my brother was going through such a tough time with getting his learning disability diagnosed as well and his behaviors under control.

17:19

They were not under control.

They were just not.

They couldn't figure them out, you know.

And so I saw this and took things as I I took it as a sign to just become as self-sufficient as possible.

So I wasn't.

17:35

I didn't cause a problem.

I didn't cause anything unnecessary at that time.

Later years, you know, we we all had her rebellion stage I suppose.

But anyways, my mom agreed to fill out this diagnosis but really couldn't fill out the survey but really couldn't do it to the best of the ability.

18:01

And the only other person I could think of was to send it to my friend who knew me that who was, you know, same age as me going through the same stuff, obviously unaware.

And I find it really funny that when you're trying to get a diagnosis like this, when you're trying to get your just your life figured out, that the requirements still are how you did in school.

18:29

I'm now 40 years old.

Who the fuck cares how I did in school?

That's that stage is over and done with.

The fact that I can't finish a task in my house and I put every I never close doors.

18:46

I put everything on ledges that are going to fall off.

I just complete, I never complete a task.

I just, I walk away.

I walk away.

I forget appointments.

My life is fine because I've this is how I've always lived.

19:03

But maybe it isn't how I need to live.

So when I'm actually looking for help, why are the the things that the doctors look for?

Shit that happens like 40 fucking years ago?

19:20

Like what is that?

So Needless to say, I saw a psychiatrist that saw me for about 15 minutes over Zoom and he told me it sounds like because I cried all the time as a kid that it sounds like just a mood disorder.

19:42

And what doesn't help me in those moments is my utter frustration and my anger.

My anger just turns into tears, so I sit for the last three minutes of the Zoom call in tears, which is further cements his view that I have a mood disorder.

20:08

And you know what?

He didn't even ask me about Sky's disappearance.

He only asked me about how I did in school.

So I told this is another thing with therapy.

20:31

So my trauma therapist is out of network.

I found them on my own because going through my insurance, it was about six months of waiting, and that six months of waiting still resulted in getting misdiagnosed.

20:52

And The thing is, what was funny is that getting this diagnosis is not something I sought out to do.

I knew I actually have known for years what is going on with me.

But I can't seem to convince any medical professional about this because they only see you for like 5 minutes and it just it's it's inadequate care.

21:20

It's irresponsible.

So what prompted this referral to get an ADHD diagnosis is I went to the doctor because I had a spot in my eye that I needed fixed.

21:42

And I wanted to also find a doctor, a dermatologist, that I can do a skin assessment because I'm in the sun a lot.

And it was during disappointment where she must have been picking up what I was putting down.

And she was like, have you ever been diagnosed with a DHD?

22:00

And I was like, oh, OK, you see me.

And I'm like, no, but, you know, everybody in my family is on the spectrum.

And I have all of these symptoms.

So I'm pretty sure I do have this.

But nobody's ever been properly been able to properly diagnose me.

22:19

Because obviously I was told as a kid that girls don't have a DHD.

And by the time I started going into therapy and pursuing it full time was when I was going through Sky's disappearance and I got the PTSD diagnosis.

22:37

So I was like I was telling them all of that.

She sent in the referral and they told me it's a mood disorder but not he was just like I don't know which one.

He admitted he didn't know which one.

22:55

So when I so all of this is in network, but then I go to my out of network trauma therapist and she was just like, oh, I already thought you were diagnosed with a DHD.

Do you know what I'm thinking right now?

Which is really funny because I don't have any of this written down and I may be talking in circles.

23:15

So you may be very aware of this unmedicated ADHD in your ear right now, but my trauma therapist was telling me she was like, she had already assumed that I had this and that I had the diagnosis.

23:32

I was just, I guess choosing to be unmedicated or something because she's just like, yeah, you have a HD so but The thing is, right now it's really hard to get actual medication for it.

23:52

Not just because there's a shortage, but because like my primary care cannot does not feel comfortable prescribing A stimulant without a psychiatrist actually signing off on it.

And since the psychiatrist and network won't sign off on it, she then also has to put in for a second referral to get a second opinion, which may take another six months to get.

24:24

So if therapy doesn't, I mean the process of getting therapy fucking needs me to get therapy.

You know, it's a fucking struggle.

24:41

It's a struggle to want to get help.

It's like with any systems.

Because I was actually, I had some.

This is me going off on a tangent.

I had some paperwork come home from my son's school and it was talking about community resources.

24:58

And I'm looking at like food banks in the area because I don't know about you guys, but everybody is hit.

So I just want to know what's out there and what my options are.

And it's like food banks are only open on Wednesdays, you know, at like times that aren't that convenient.

25:22

And it's just like, it's just if further reinforces that our social safety Nets have been stripped to a point where they're no longer in existence.

And when you find yourself at the bottom, that's when you realize that there's like nothing there and you're on your own.

25:46

And that has been something that I've been seeing like just stripped away from our medical systems because there's no advocacy work.

And if you have to advocate for yourself and nobody wants to listen to you.

26:06

And I get it from both sides because I've worked in the medical field and they're fucking tired on the other side as as well and they don't understand why people looking for help can't get help.

26:22

And it's just it's also such a class divide because many people in higher positions such as doctors are doctors because of opportunity, because of money that they've had.

So they do not understand a many systems that everybody else lives within and it's just a frustrating place to be and nobody's making any changes because everybody's hands seem to be tied by the systems that we live in.

26:54

And I know I'm speaking kind of vaguely, but I'm hoping you're picking up what I'm putting down because it just it's too exhausting to get into and I think that's part of the design.

It just exhausts people until they give up.

And yeah, I mean, I don't know about you, but I can definitely sit and scroll on social media and just dissociate and just wait for the next day to begin because I'm so tired.

27:20

I'm so tired.

This feels good.

It feels good to talk about it.

So I think that's that's where I'm going to end it.

27:42

I don't know how long each of these episodes are going to be.

I'm just going to kind of go with the flow.

I'm not even going to listen to this right now, guys.

I'm just going to post it.

That's how I don't know how bold it feels.

So just talk about my life, I guess.

28:03

And I guess if you have any questions, send me some messages over at Surviving Sky at Gmail.

If anybody can relate, let me know.

If I'm just talking in circles, please also let me know.

28:19

Please, you can point out when I start to lose focus.

I don't mind, but I hope that you find some comfort in my journey and the vulnerability that I'm putting out there.

28:36

And if even nobody listens to this, this still feels good for me.

So I'm going to see where this takes me.

So thank you for joining me and this new Ave.

I'm going down.

This is surviving Sky Therapy, notes Session One.